Casual Heroing

It’s so ridiculous when you think about it: a man who can do so much but can’t do a subset of very simple tasks because otherwise he’ll have a massive anxiety attack. Oof, now that I talked to Liogi about it, I realize it might have been the first time I said this stuff in an explicit manner. You know how stuff can, like, float in the back of your mind? Well, that’s the kind of weird stuff I guess you need to talk about to a psychologist--or a fox guy.

For all I’d like to say it was useless, I’m actually feeling much, much better. My life has been wild since coming to Epretos and I guess it was a bit wild before as well. Imagine being taken to a fantasy land with unprocessed trauma and just adding more and more unprocessed trauma on top of that. Can’t be easy, can it?

Liogi had a different way of looking at things and he brought up the fact that we had been talking about old traumas a lot; and, you know, I guess it’s good to have someone helping you to talk about that stuff, but he also said that I should do something to manage the day-to-day stress I’m going through.

Oh, man. If I could wish for something to solve the day-to-day stress, it would be to just rest my head on Selena Gomez’s supple thighs. That, plus some chatting with Liogi on a regular basis would go a long way in solving my problems, I swear.

“Joey!” a feminine voice suddenly thunders while I’m looking at the ground in front of me.

God, is that you, Selena? The thought enters my mind because I was just thinking about that beautiful goddess. But it couldn’t be, could it? Well, better to hope than... I don’t know if that’s a saying. Whatever.

“Lucinda?” I say with a disappointed frown when I look up. I groan and slowly exhale. This is not going to go a long way in solving my stress problem, I guess. Liogi said to take it a bit easier until we get a handle on my deeper issues.

“What is your damn problem?” she says, hissing, clearly not happy about the disappointed expression on my face.

“Mine? You. Can you please vacate the premises, miss?”

“I came here to challenge you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Challenge me? Lucinda, I have to finish writing a goddamn paper on the history of magic or whatever the hell it is. Move that fat ass out of my way.”

“What did you just say?!”

See, my mother always told me that one day, I would find a girl that would treat me so terribly I would be miserable for the rest of my life. And that it would happen unless I learned that sometimes you need to--well, she said slap ladies away; that’s the rough translation of it. In my case, I’d say push them away without too much force.

“I’m busy, Lucy. I’m not going to waste my time on you,” I say, seconds before one of the windows of my house crashes.

“Jesus, Princess Bianca!” a white ball of fur basically teleports into my arms and jumps over my shoulder, looking smugly at my ex-girlfriend.

“Those windows are worth half a dozen golds,” I say, turning to the pig. “Can’t you just use the door?”

As the little white thingy ignores me, Lucinda is losing her patience more and more as she’s being ignored.

“Waste your time? Put up your shield, you bastard!”

“My shield? Why? You want to fight?”

“I have been training day and night while you’ve messed around! I’ll prove who really deserves to be taught by--”

I look around and see more and more people stopping by. Hell, I can even hear some of their comments.

“Look, two Humans are going to fight!”

“Isn’t that the crazy Human who killed Appius?”

“He is! Oh, is he going to kill that girl too?!”

“No, I think that girl is the same girl that was in the arena! Look at her! Yeah, it’s her! Could it be a lover’s quarrel?”

“Well, have you heard the new gossip going around? [Princess] Laura is apparently super jealous of him and she is spreading fake rumors about what went down because he dumped her!”

“But that’s preposterous!”

“No, no, it’s the truth!”

Jesus, fucking Severinus the [Merchant] or his fucking wife — someone has been tattling. Well, at least it will partially restore my reputation, I guess. I’ll take that.

“What are you waiting for? Put up your shield and fight, you coward!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I say, waving my hand dismissively. “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to fight you.”

“Oh, and by the way, stupidmagesayswhat.”

“What?”

“Point proven,” I smile and look around, seeing that people basically cleared off most of the street, waiting along the curb, almost entering other people’s houses.

Lucinda suddenly conjures her favorite spell, [Solar Whip]. It looks ten times meaner compared to before she started learning magic under Princess Valarith. She has also assumed a battle stance that I have never seen her employ before today.

“Put up your shield, Joey! Or I will fry you and your stupid pig!”

“I don’t think so,” I deadpan. “I’m not going to fight you, Lucy. And why would you even need to prove you are better than me at magic? Like, what does that accomplish?”

“Princess Valarith said no Vanedeni would have accepted the way you treated me!” Lucinda shouts with her face looking more and more like a tomato.

“What?” I scratch my chin while feeling Princess Bianca growing more and more restless. “You, behave!”

The pig stares at me but we already had quite the discussion about what went down at the market and even my unruly Wallorian Treasurer understands that she’d caused problems for me rather than herself.

“Yeah, she said no Vanedeni would have ever treated a woman like you treated me!”

“Really?” I raise an eyebrow. “Well, that’s interesting.”

This definitely sounds like some Vanedeni bullshit. I wouldn’t put it passed their customs to incite strife among disciples to let the stronger fighter emerge.

“What is so interesting about that?”

“Well, you know,” I start, slowly walking towards Lucinda whose eyes are glued to me. “I find it quite funny that a Vanedeni would say something like that because, if you recall, I saved your ass when Marcus was trying to let you suicide bomb! So, if you will, I’ll go back to my place and forget you are making a fool out of yourself.”

I can see her face getting redder and redder as I keep talking.

“You, you, you, you!” she shouts, stomping her feet like a little child. “You just don’t understand!”

“What don’t I understand?” I ask her, stopping a few feet away from her.

“You just don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman!”

“Oh, really?” I raise an eyebrow. “And what is it like to be a woman, Lucinda?”

“You just don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman because you’re not one!” she shouts.

“Joey, you have the talent of a generation and relics at your disposal! But you are wasting all your talent!”

“What does that have to do with being a woman now?” I frown.

“Because you stomped on my honor!”

“Honor?”

“Joey, I’m here to fight you! I won’t fight you to death, but I need to prove my point, you donkey! Valarith taught me much more than you could ever imagine! Put up your shield now!”

Ok, how did it go from me being rather satisfied with my first visit to a pseudo psychologist to Lucinda waving her big tits around and saying she wants to fight me? Should I even consider it? Like, I guess our breakup wasn’t that good... But this? As Snoop would put it, ‘Hoes be crazy, man.’

“Lucy, I’m sure we can talk about it. Why don’t you dispel that whip and come inside? We can have a nice chat, I’m sure.”

You know, when stuff gets too hot, it’s better to keep a cool head and be reasonable. No reason we should get down to a fisticuff if we can discuss it like civilized Humans.

“Joey, you son of a dirty whore, fight me!”

I click my tongue and take Princess Bianca off my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Princess. Go inside,” I say with a smile. “I’ll come soon. Give me a minute.”

With a hint of fear in her eyes like I’ve never seen before, Princess Bianca jumps off my shoulder. While the little pig scutters away, jumping in through the broken window, I get up and dust off my robe.

I give Lucinda my custom wink-cum-tongue-click.

[Light Overcharge]

[Overcharged Polarization Field]

[Light Acceleration]

[Overcharged, Accelerated: Advanced Light Lance]