Casual Heroing

“So, does it freeze or does it cool?” I ask, confused.

“It can do both, sir. I’ll just need to inscribe the rune on something, then you touch this or that part. The more you keep your finger there, the more the rune cools. It can reach freezing temperatures, but you would need to keep that in a very closed space in order to create pure ice in the middle of your kitchen. Or you can pay for some more expensive work. But… if you only need a cooling rune that can keep things from melting, then you are good.”

“Ok, can we do this now?” I nod at him.

“Joey, we still don’t have the contract for the place. We can’t start adding things,” Lucillus’s voice comes from behind my shoulders.

“Well, if we want to be in business by tonight, we better have a cooling rune.”

“Sir, I’d rather not break the law when you hired someone from the Watch to guard you.”

The [Enchanter] gives me a strained smile.

“My schedule is free for the next hour, but I’ll be pretty busy for the next three days. So…”

“Oh, come on, Lucillus, did you have to say that? Listen, I respect your work and I don’t want you to have problems, ok? Let’s just say I made you do the work without knowing.”

“You get tested on truth stones, Joey.”

I look at the ceiling.

I need the goddamn Runes, I can’t do without them. My goddamn spellbook will not teach me new magic until I practice all the Cantrips.

“Is there any way we could do this?” I beg Lucillus.

“I could say you already had a deal for the contract and that you thought it would be better to start immediately. If the owner doesn’t want you in the place, though, you will have to pay for the removal of the Rune.”

I hug the tall guy.

See, even Elves can be lovely.

I’m actually a little sorry for acting a bit like an ass to him.

“Ok, let’s go!”

…

“You know, Lucillus,” I tell the guy while yawning. “I’ll give you some advice on how to get Flaminia in exchange for this.”

I point at the [Enchanter] doing his weird job with brushes and smelly paint.

My bodyguard doesn’t look impressed by my proposal.

“I don’t want to scare anyone away, Joey.”

I snort.

“Oh, you little naïve child. First of all, women are rarely scared when you flirt with them. Unless you are creepy, of course. The difference between creepy and flirty is trying to understand whether or not there’s a signal to go ahead with your flirting. It’s subtle and not spoken. It may be a lingering look, a smile, a nod, whatever. It takes time to learn. But people like compliments. It shouldn’t be a shock. You are with a beautiful woman? Tell her she’s beautiful, and maybe tell her in a way that makes her laugh. If you do compliment someone and make them laugh, the job is half-done.”

“You did annoy Lucinda, though. And you had a fight with her.”

Lucillus, a man of few words and short sight.

“The incredible [Mage] who everyone admires and says is way out of my league? The same person who’s so ambitious she doesn’t date or take any males into consideration? Have you heard of Lucinda fighting with any other man?”

Let’s see if he gets the point.

“I don’t get the point.”

“Well,” I sigh, “you have to have something with someone to fight about it. If there’s nothing, there’s no fight. And, for all I don’t like to kiss and tell, I did share some degree of intimacy with her.”

I look at the [Enchanter] to see if he’s done, but he is stealthily listening to our conversation about women. And… is he blushing? Oh, a possible disciple, then.

“I don’t want to annoy people like you do,” Lucillus speaks by my side.

“And you don’t have to!” I almost cry in dismay. “It’s not about annoying people, Lucillus. Everyone has a different character and strategy. But, a compliment – and a sincere one at that – goes a long way. First, it shows you are interested; second, it’s nice. Let’s try this: you are very tall, and you look very strong, Lucillus, I’m glad that you are my bodyguard.”

I even add my wink at the end.

He cringes.

“See? You didn’t like it much because you are a man and you’re not interested in me. So, I’ll not repeat this experience more than once. Why? Because it would annoy you! But if you think that you can put yourself in a woman’s shoes, you’re done, my friend. Women think differently. As a general rule, every person does. It’s always wrong to judge what to do with someone based on our own judgement. You have to calibrate your tools based on the frequency of other people.”

“Frequency?”

“Right… Ahem, you have to understand what other people want from you and do that. You want a woman? Ask questions. Do not give answers. Your answers are probably wrong anyway. You ask questions and then compare notes. ‘Ok, she likes shopping around all day, maybe not my type’, or ‘This one likes to stare into the distance in silence, maybe she’s my kind of gal’.”

I look, hopeful, for a glint of understanding in my buddy’s eyes.

There’s very little.

But I’m not giving up on him.

“Ok, from the start. You don’t need to behave like I do. Is that clear? Nod if it is.”

Lucillus nods.

Even the [Enchanter] unconsciously does, making me chuckle.

“Compliments are important. You have to practice giving compliments smoothly, in your style. If a woman doesn’t like the compliment, you stop. If you already gave a few compliments, you stop to avoid exaggerating. Is that clear?”

Lucillus nods again.

I think at some point he caught up on the part where I told him I kissed Lucinda, punching way above my weight.

“When you are with a woman, ask a lot of questions. If she tells you she went shopping for groceries in the morning, you ask what she bought. Once she tells you, you ask what recipes she’s going to make. Once she tells you about the cooking, you ask who taught her. And so on. Keep the questions coming. It’s basically the same of interrogating a criminal, but in this case, it’s going to be you spending time alone in a cold room if you mess up. Are we clear?”

The guard is actually pondering my words with a very serious frown.

“What if a girl doesn’t like you back?” the [Enchanter] asks from the side.

“Can you tell me your name again, man? I forgot, sorry.”

“Sure, sure,” he hurries to reply, “I’m Claudius.”

“Well, Claudius, listen to me, and listen well. I’m going to reveal you a well-guarded female secret.”

I wink at the [Enchanter].