Chapter 40 - A Wintry Mix

“Huh? Oh.”

It wasn’t until Kael added Dame to her name that Irene finally showed an ambiguous reaction and turned her head towards him in a languid manner. Her half-lidded eyes slowly widened and her lips twitched, as if she were about to say something.

“What in tarnation are you doing out and about at this ungodly hour?” Kael worriedly asked, as he wrapped the blanket securely around her body. His gaze drifted down towards her bare feet and then back to her face. He could see that her lips were no longer rosy and he could feel a chill coming from her body through the blanket. Seeing her in this state caused goosebumps to form on his skin. “First, let’s go inside. Your lips are blue. How long have you been wandering around? Where are your shoes?”

“I…”

Though it was unclear what had happened, Irene calmly followed Kael as he led her towards the back entrance of the Ravello palace. They’d wandered quite far from the front entrance where he’d exited, and it was more important to quickly escape the rain. “Even if the winter in Perkan doesn’t feel like winter, you’ll catch a cold if you wander about like this,” Kael nagged, as he crouched down to slip his shoes onto Irene’s feet.

“I smell blood.”

“If you walk around barefoot, of course you’d smell something like that. So, why—”

“My hands are drenched in blood. The smell doesn’t ever wash away, no matter how many times I soak them in water or wipe them with a towel.”

The loneliness in Irene’s distant and hazy voice, filled with lamentation, was heartbreaking. As if he were having a seizure, Kael felt his heart throb and pound. His tears welled up and the tip of his nose began to ache. He wasn’t sure how to respond or react, but he straightened himself and looked at her.

“Since the rain is a gift under God’s sovereignty, then wouldn’t it be able to wash my bloody hands?” Irene asked.

Perhaps it was the cold winter rain, or it could’ve been because of Irene’s psychological state, but her hands were trembling. The way her fingertips shook uncontrollably looked pitiful. When Kael clasped her hands in his, he noticed that while her hands looked smooth and clean from a distance, up close it was easy to see that they were covered in tiny scars. Though the wounds had healed and no longer inflicted pain, Kael couldn’t bring himself to clasp her hands tightly. Pained by the sight of her battered hands, he gently asked, “Do you regret the consequences of these wounds?”

“Regret… I don’t regret it. I just…”

When Irene’s legs suddenly gave out under her and she stumbled, Kael hurriedly pulled her into his arms. “I-It would be dangerous if I don’t so don’t get me wrong,” he explained, hugging her tight as he spat out excuses.

Irene rested her head against his shoulder and murmured, “It’s just… I feel like the lives that have been cut short by my hands are too heavy a burden to carry.”

“Why’re you trying to carry it all by yourself? Is the rest of Theorin utterly incompetent without you?”

“Even if I was abandoned, as you said… I felt relieved. Going to the empire meant that I no longer had to carry a sword. And yet, when I actually came…”

Hearing Irene sigh next to his ear, Kael felt his heart race. It thumped so violently, he wondered if she could hear it. With some apprehension, he asked, “Tell me. Was it different from your expectations?”

“I don’t know what to do with myself.”