Difficult To Control

Chapter 10: Fire and Ice

A layer of mist clouded the mirror in the bathroom. Xu Qi wiped at it a few times, revealing a face as blurry as the mist.

The heat from the shower added a tint of red to his cheeks. Water dripped from the corners of his hair, streaking down from the dents of his collarbone, wetting the areas that he had already wiped dry.

He ruffled his hair and put on the clothes hung on the wall. Newly bought underwear had been stuffed within, and the soft material burnt in his hands.

Xu Qi pried his gaze away from his reflection as he slotted into the oversized shirt with ease. The shirt was several sizes larger than what he usually wore, and he had to repeatedly fold and fold his sleeves in order to reveal his thin wrists.

Everywhere he looked constantly reminded him that this wasn’t his clothes. 

The smell of the detergent pod drifted into his nose, the mustiness within indicative of the amount of time it had spent lying in the closet. Xu Qi didn’t understand how he ended up in Liao Jinxue’s house, how he ended up in Liao Jinxue’s shower, and how he ended up washing himself using Liao Jinxue’s shower. 

It was as if he was missing a piece of his memory. 

A situation like this had happened before. When he gets too emotional, a self-protection mechanism in his brain will be triggered to prevent any further damage and pain. He would leave his body momentarily and become a bystander, watching everything from the outside.

Those memories, along with the pain, would be cut out from his body. Just like little tumours, each carved out using a surgical knife.

When he had regained consciousness once again, he was sitting in the passenger seat of Liao Jinxue’s car, wrapped in Liao Jinxue’s blanket.

“Xu Qi, are you okay?”

Liao Jinxue knocked on the door. The shower had been silent for a while now, hence he came to check.

The door unlocked from the inside, and Xu Qi’s head peeked out from the cracks. The hazy steam clouded Liao Jinxue’s vision. His vision finally landed on Xu Qi’s bare face, pausing momentarily.

Xu Qi’s face was clean, just like plain cold water. Besides his tall nose, there weren’t any features particularly worth praising. 

His eyelashes were long and thin, always drooping slightly, and now wasn’t an exception. The colour of his pupils was too deep, too dark. He was at the age where he should be mature and steady, yet he always gave a strange feeling of docile, gloom, and wariness.

It made people feel like bullying him.

“Yeah, I’m done.”

Xu Qi bent his neck, hurriedly putting his clouded glasses back on, halting Liao Jinxue’s gawks.

Liao Jinxue glanced at the fair nape below Xu Qi’s collar, before moving aside to make way. “You can put your drenched clothes in the laundry basket first. It’s too late now and using the washing machine would disturb the neighbours.”

“I can bring it back home and wash it myself, there’s no need to trouble you.” Xu Qi said.

“Are you sure?”

“En.”

Liao Jinxue didn’t insist and led Xu Qi back to the living room.

No matter what happened, Liaoo Jinxue’s attitude had always been pleasant, maintaining a distance that was difficult to detect. It was just like back in high school.

Xu Qi’s drowned phone had automatically shut down. He tried booting it a few times, but it either remained as a black screen or flickered a few times before dimming again.

This phone had accompanied him for almost five years. The market had pumped out countless new versions, but Xu Qi had no intention of changing it.

But it seemed like it had no choice but to retire now.

Liao Jinxue walked out of the kitchen with a can of beer and a cup of hot water, placing it in front of Xu Qi.

Opening the lid, Liao Jinxue took a sip. He noticed Xu Qi’s stare and scanned the untouched cup of water. “Would you like to change it to something else?”

Xu Qi shook his head, avoiding his stare. “It’s not that. It’s already over 10 o’clock, I should be going back.”

“Your phone is spoilt.”

This sentence could be interpreted as ‘it’s not safe’. Liao Jinxue added, “There’s a guest room in this house, you can stay here for the night.”

Xu Qi’s mind rumbled. He stared at Liao JInxue in shock, and Liao Jinxue stared back at him. When he realised how weird it was to exchange looks like this, it was already too late. Xu Qi stuttered, “But……”

‘But’ he couldn’t think of a good reason.

Liao Jinxue rubbed the centre of his eyes, his slightly sunken eyebrows revealed a hint of tiredness as he waited for Xu Qi to continue.

At that moment, Xu Qi felt like a hypocrite for being hesitant. In the first place, he came here for Liao Jinxue. Plus, the reason why things became like this was also due to his inability to control his emotions and did some weird things. Not only did Liao Jinxue not blame him, but he also brought him to his house. It was already benevolent for him to do so.

If he still wanted to lie at this point, Liao Jinxue would probably be annoyed and regretful for helping him, wouldn’t he?

Xu Qi didn’t continue to ‘but’, and lightly replied, “Then I’ll trouble you.”

Liao Jinxue’s expression stayed the same. He twirled the can of beer in his hands as he said, “I never thought you would actually jump in. I could have grabbed you.”

When Xu Qi recalled that moment from the third person’s point of view, his forehead pulsed in pain. In that instance, many terrifying images seemed to flash by.

Xu Qi smiled stiffly, and said self-deprecatingly, “I also don’t know why I did that. I was probably crazy.”

“I remember you didn’t like water, right?”

It was the first time Liao Jinxue had brought up the past since their reunion. Xu Qi couldn’t help but gulp, replying with a voice only the both of them could hear. “En.”

“Are you still afraid now?”

“A little.”

“Then why did you jump in?”

“I thought… there was someone in the water, calling for help.”

Xu Qi couldn’t say the word ‘drowning’. The word was too powerful. The moment it reached his tongue it would bring about an overwhelming sense of suffocation, drowning him.

Liao Jinxue stopped twirling the can and placed it back on the table with a muffled thud. “You’re very brave, but don’t do these kinds of things anymore.”

Brave?”

Xu Qi squeezed at the nails of his thumbs, unable to understand the meaning behind this word. More accurately, he didn’t understand what this word had to do with him. Liao Jinxue dully unravelled his confusion. “You aren’t even afraid of death. Is this not brave?”

An eerie silence.

Xu Qi stared at the warm water in his cup, the slight waves that would rise and fall occasionally near the mouth of the cup. He opened his mouth once again, his voice slightly hoarse, “Can I grab a can of beer?”

Liao Jinxue looked twice at Xu Qi seemingly in silent consent. “The beer’s on the top layer in the fridge.”

Xu Qi thanked him hastily and left the living room like he was running away.

He didn’t want to drink anything, not to mention beer. When Xu Qi entered the kitchen he gripped the sides of the fish tank, and stared at the water outlet, entranced. The dark hole gazed back at him, sucking in those chaotic memories together with him.

Liao Jinxue knows that he isn’t scared of dying.

He had known since ten years ago.

They’ve avoided those interactions, rustily maintaining a distance unfamiliar to them. Perhaps it was because they were unable to totally wipe away the traces of what had happened. Even if a part of it becomes blurred and gradually forgotten, the appearance of certain keywords would still cause Xu Qi to suddenly return to that autumn, feel the ice-cold water that poured into his shoes, and the bicycle bell that slashed through the night with a single ring.

After that, he would keep hearing the string of rings in his dreams. It was just he could never see Liao Jinxue’s face properly.

Xu Qi suppressed the memories that were slowly being dug deeper. He opened the fridge and looked for the beer, pretending as if nothing happened.

The bright-coloured packaging of the glass jars and the fresh fruits and vegetables were neatly arranged in every layer, showcasing the owner’s good habit of keeping tidy.  Yet in the midst of all these items, the conspicuous outer shell of the beer bottle was nowhere to be seen.

Liao Jinxue’s arms brushed by Xu Qi, taking out a can of beer from the door of the refrigerator. Xu Qi didn’t know when he had walked behind him and got a shock. He turned around, trapped in the narrow gap between Liao Jinxue and the fridge.

The refrigerator churned and spewed out cold air. Half of Xu Qi’s body had entered the ice house, while the other half was almost pasted onto Liao Jinxue. Falling into the deep and dangerous eyes, he saw himself within.

“Be careful.”

His arms were suddenly pulled on, and Xu Qi was pried from the edge of the fridge cabinet. He fell towards Liao Jinxue, the deeply rooted memory of the scent wrapping around Xu Qi. The latter dazed for a moment before hurriedly leaving Liao Jinxue’s arms.

“Sorry.” Xu Qi muttered in a haze.

Liao Jinxue down at his shirt. The spot on his chest had been pressed on by Xu Qi’s wet hair, creating an area that was darker than its surroundings.

Xu Qi also saw it. It burned his face to his neck, and he lowered his head in a mix of awkwardness and embarrassment.

Liao Jinxue didn’t comment on the accident that just occurred. Before leaving, he added, “Wipe dry your hair before going to bed, if not you might catch a cold.”

Xu Qi burrowed his head deeper.

The light in the guest room dimmed. The room had an unfamiliar air to it, as with the unfamiliar furnishings. Xu Qi lay on the bed, recalling the ups and downs of today. He couldn’t believe that all those things happened on the same day.

He could hardly recall the disgusting faces Wu Dong and Director Wang had in the morning. When he closed his eyes, all he could see was Liao Jinxue.

At this very moment, he and Liao Jinxue were only separated by a single wall. Xu Qi heard that familiar chain of crisp rings yet again. Along with time, he returned to that autumn night ten years ago. But this time, he wished he could see Liao Jinxue’s face clearly.