Difficult To Control

Chapter 4: “His Eyes”

“Xu Qi, you’re too useless.”

“Don’t tell me you really fainted?”

……

The lights flickered dizzily in front of Xu Qi. In one moment dark waves in the river surged, and in another moment the bright sun burnt at every breath. With no memories of how long time passed, his senses slowly recovered, and Xu Qi winced at the stinging sensations of his face against the hard rubber track. 

He pushed himself up slowly, using the ground as support. In the distance, a boy playing basketball had accidentally sent the ball flying as it rebounded against the hoop. It almost brushed against Xu Qi’s cheeks.

The group exploded in laughter at this coincidence; no one cared to look at Xu Qi’s ghastly pale complexion.

“Stop bullying Xu Qi, if you wanna play basketball then play properly!”

The girl’s crisp reprimanding sent all the boys who were watching the fun away, along with the ball. Xu Qi lifted his stiff neck, to see Lin An Nan hug her knees and crouch down. Her eyes were filled with a stranger’s worry as she looked straight at him. ”You fainted here after running two rounds. Are you feeling okay?”

“… I’m okay.” Xu Qi replied softly. The line of sight behind those thick glasses moved down, afraid to meet the girl’s bright pure eyes.

He was afraid that if their eyes met once more, she’ll find out about all his panic and inferiority.

“If you’re feeling unwell, you must tell the teachers. That group of boys were too mean, I tried getting them to carry you back to the classroom, but none of them was willing to step forward.”

Lin An Nan complained angrily for Xu Qi, not hiding her disdain for the bullies’ behaviour. Seeing that Xu Qi’s complexion was bad beyond belief, she stopped herself from continuing and instead asked, “are you thirsty, would you like some water?”

“No need.”

‘Yes,’ was what Xu Qi thought in his heart, yet when he opened his mouth it became rejection. He was rarely met with this kind of question and was not familiar with the ways of answering them. His chest swelled as he savoured the taste of upset. Maybe he hadn’t woken up from the intense run a moment ago.

The atmosphere was slightly awkward. After a moment of silence, Xu Qi croaked out his rusty deep voice and added, “Thank you.”

“There’s no need to say thank you.”

Lin An Nan paid no mind to Xu Qi’s unamenable nature, her smile never dissipating. It was brighter than the afternoon sun. “After all, I am the class president.”

The soreness that clogged his chest felt like little sparks of electricity passing through his veins, the heat wrapping his limbs and seeping away the stiffness, bringing along a spring-like warmth of recovery.

Returning home at night, Xu Qi locked himself in his room after eating. He took out a diary from his bedside seams, flipped to a new page, and as he wrote down lines of elegant words, he was dipped in a throbbing sensation.

June 4th, Sunny Weather

Today the sun was really bright. The cicadas on the trees called for the entire day, I didn’t understand anything during math class, and I even fainted during the afternoon run, and it was incredibly embarrassing.

But when I woke up, I saw Lin An Nan. Her smile was very pretty, and she actually remembered my name.

In his grey world, liking Lin An Nan was the only thing that could spark colour. Every interaction was important enough to be penned in the diary, enough for him to lay in bed every night and reminisce about those limited encounters with her, ruminating that trace of sweetness.

Xu Qi was an invisible man.

When he walked on 13th Street, he would often be knocked over without reason by groups of quarrelling boys on their bicycles. Those delinquents that pick on the weak won’t even think about picking on him; bullying someone with no temper gave absolutely no sense of accomplishment. He was too ordinary, a good-for-nothing with no special characteristics. No one has ever cared about how he was feeling, other than class president Li An Nan.

Although her actions might only stem from a class president’s sense of duty, Li An Nan takes good care of every student. Those little insignificant acts of kindness would always cause Xu Qi to overflow with emotions.

It’s the only word that feels too precious, bearing a layer of meaning only he knows. Xu Qi himself also knows that someone like him had long lost his right to openly love someone.

If you asked anyone who has interacted with Xu Qi to recall his appearance, no matter how many hundred answers you obtain, the answers would all be around the same. Ordinary.

Spring, summer, autumn, winter, no matter when, Xu Qi’s meagre frame will forever be tucked into that oversized shirt; his black hair and glasses cover half his face; his shut lips lacked the tint of blood; his head was always buried in his collar, hiding away that frail and skinny neck. He exuded a gloomy aura that didn’t let others near him.

All the teachers had a sort of tacit agreement. During class, they never call Xu Qi to answer questions, and whenever they checked the class roster and saw Xu Qi’s name, they couldn’t help but question whether he was really part of the class.

Even Xu Qi forgets himself. During class, as the teacher stands on the lectern to give their lectures, he would feel as though he was a shadow drifting indefinitely, suddenly losing weight, floating into the air, until the piercing school bell rings and pulls him back into his heavy body.

Xu Qi had known since a long time ago that he was different from those around him. 

This nail gap difference caused him to have memories that he, in other ordinary people’s eyes, was the most unordinary.

June, midsummer.

The classroom felt like a stuffy stove. The fans spun without much purpose; at any time, the fans would fall onto the sea of dark heads.

Xu Qi buried his head in the math questions. He wrote for a while before pausing for a few minutes. Just like his unlikeable appearance, his brain was nowhere near intelligent. Regarding this matter, none of the teachers found it surprising.

In primary school, Xu Qi was still able to struggle and obtain 20th in class. When he entered high school, the high intensity gradually pushed him from 20th place to 25th, and subsequently 30th. Every time a parent meeting ended, Chen Fang would wave those result slips and spit out venomous words that many bystanders could never imagine. On these kinds of nights, there usually wouldn’t be any food prepared for Xu Qi.

He scribbled away the second solution he wrote on the paper. It was still wrong. Xu Qi put down his pen. In a classroom where even breathing felt suffocating, rarely anyone would be able to do their work peacefully.

As a force of habit, he looked toward Lin An Nan’s seat. Teacher Wang had something on so he left in the middle of the self-study lesson, and some girls who couldn’t take the boredom anymore surrounded Lin An Nan’s seat to talk. Lin An Nan was the class president of the 7th class and was also the acknowledged pretty and popular girl of the class.

Today’s discussion topic was a little different from the usual.

“Did you see? He was so handsome. I heard he transferred over from Sanzhong. It’s such a good school, why would he transfer here?”

“Who knows, maybe he moved house.”

“It’s only been a week, class 4’s Yao Bing has already started to chase after him. Apparently, she waits outside class 6 every day after school, I don’t know how’s the progress like now.”

“Liao Jinxue probably wouldn’t agree,” one of the girls said softly, “he doesn’t look like someone who would be interested in this kind of thing.”

“Yao Bing is so pretty……”

Jiang Yue, who sat behind, let out an untimely sneer and interrupted the girls’ whispering. His hostile expression caused his facial features, which were already packed with barely enough space, to become a more tragic sight to behold. Unfortunately, only he himself seemed to lack awareness. It was as if he wanted everyone to hear him as he spoke with his deafening voice, “If you ask me, this brat will definitely show his true colours in less than 2 weeks. What do you think his facade is for? It’s especially you girls with no brain who would fangirl over him. He only acting reserved, and you all really had the guts to believe it. Who knows, he might be laughing at how dumb all of you are.”

All the girls were visibly terrified of Jiang Yue, so despite their disgust, they continued to keep their silence. Lin An Nan gave him a glare. “Jiang Yue, can you not speak so carelessly? Lin Jiangxue did nothing to offend you.”

“You’re allowed to fangirl, but I’m not allowed to speak the truth?” Jiang Yue asserted, not shunning away from the provoked stares of the class. “Class pres, you’re so protective of this new kid, could it be that you like him too?”

“You, you……:

Jiang Yue scrutinized her from top to bottom, staring at her with his naked eyes. It felt vomit-inducing. “Forget it. Yao Bing is so many times more pretty than you. If I were him, I would choose her too.”

Under the watchful eyes of the students, Li An Nan was enraged to the point of trembling. Her cheek flushed red with blood, and her eyes slowly glistened with a layer of tears. Xu Qi heart felt wrinkled, just like the workbook under his palm. He wanted to stand up and throw a punch at Jiang Yue’s face and ask him to apologise. 

As the scene replayed over and over again in his mind, Jiang Yue went back to joking with his friends as if nothing happened, and Li An Nan who was driven to tears was surrounded by the group of girls, now giving words of comfort.

“An Nan, don’t believe the nonsense that Jiang Yue said. Yao Bing isn’t as beautiful as you. If you really decide to chase someone you definitely won’t lose.”

One of them obviously didn’t really know how to comfort people, and the moment she said that she was smacked by another girl.

Lin An Nan had already calmed down. She gripped the bundle of tissues used to wipe her tears without speaking a word; the flush on her cheeks had subsided, and what remained was an abnormal red.

These changes were like a small annoying splinter. Prickling, yet Xu Qi couldn’t tell where exactly it hurt.

The name Liao Jinxue had been buzzing around his ears. The tip of the pen sub-consciously brushed against the paper. Jing for capital, or Jing for through?(*) Is the Xue the character for snow? For a man to have this kind of name, how strange.

As the main culprit that caused Lin An Nan to be bullied for no reason, Xu Qi instinctively felt aggression towards this man he had never met. 

When he finally learnt how to write those 3 words, it was when the results for the exam a few weeks ago were released. The ranking was pasted on the announcement board in the corridor, where students came and went. When the turn came to Xu Qi, who was outside of the crowd, to see the name list clearly, the name on the first column stood out brilliantly. He could never forget that name in his lifetime, Liao Jinxue.

Turns out the Xue really meant snow.

“He’s so impressive.” From behind, Xu Qi heard a girl and her friends discuss with amazement. “Not only is he handsome, but his results are also good. Does he not have any flaws?”

“Yeah,” the other girl sighed, voice filled with longing. “I don’t know what kind of girls he would like.”

“An Nan, you……”

After hearing that voice, Xu Qi felt his blood go cold; the word amazement milled behind his ears, laughing at the unrealistic imagination he had for the past half a year.

A new person’s figure had appeared in Lin An Nan’s bright pure eyes. Her friend would purposely bring it up occasionally, and her smile would leak shyness she fails to hide. Everyone came to the same consensus, and would even jokingly ask Lin An Nan when she would confess to Liao Jinxue.

Xu Qi can confirm, the hatred he had for the name Liao Jinxue wasn’t without reason.

Of thousands and millions of ordinary people, why is it that only Liao Jinxue was so brilliant? Breaking into his world without any words, yet that man was so unlike the ordinary and unremarkable himself.

What was so glorious about transferring schools midway, couldn’t he have just quietly become an ordinary member of the school? But it had to be that Liao Jinxue wasn’t like that. On his body radiated too much brilliance. It was as if he was a dusty gem; its shine would be discovered eventually. Even if he wasn’t aware of it himself, he still attracted away too many people’s gaze. Like how positive and negative attract, he attracted Xu Qi’s hatred.

Class 6 was behind Class 7 at an angle. Every time after PE, Xu Qi would intentionally slow down when he passed by Class 6. Through the back door and the window, he would search for the last row to spot Lin Jianxue. With that over 180cm height, he was like a crane that stood amongst a flock of chickens(**). He was very well-received, and was always seen talking and laughing with the people around him.

The girls admired his looks and his studies, while the boys enjoyed making friends with popular people to satisfy their pride. Liao Jinxue would never show a welcoming smile to others, nor would he reply politely or help solve their academic questions. Instead, he maintained a line that no one could ever cross. In Xu Qi’s eyes, this was just evidence in disguise that could prove his hypocrisy and fraud.

People who excel can obtain never-ending streams of favour and adoration even with their cold demeanour. Xu Qi was the opposite of Liao Jinxue, he ought to obtain others’ cold looks; even when the girl he likes runs into others’ arms, he must also be forced to stand on the spot and watch in a daze.

Xu Qi started to give quick glances out of the classroom, unsatisfied. Slowly and gradually, he became a real shadow, hidden in every corner of the campus, just like the rats in the waterways that will never see the light of day, peeping at Liao Jinxue’s every single move.

The thought of this rash behaviour had arisen due to Lin An Nan, but the moment it appeared it was snuffed out by Xu Qi. He was terrified of being seen as a psychopath, afraid of losing the last person who cared about him. However, in front of Liao Jinxue, none of those worries were worth mentioning.

He didn’t give a dime about how Liao Jinxue would think.

Xu Qi wasn’t exactly sure about the purpose of doing so; perhaps the imbalance that was suppressed for too long finally exploded; perhaps he was jealous of Liao Jinxie; perhaps it could also be that he was a pervert through and through, and just wanted to satisfy his sick peeping urges.

Every night when he returned to that depressing house, Xu Qi would write down the interactions he had with Lin An Nan habitually. Slowly, Lin An Nan’s name appeared less and less in the diary. In its place, were those 3 words that would rip the paper every time he penned it down.

Liao Jinxue took a lot of meat dishes. He has a habit of picking food. He even took all the green chilis out, what a waste of food.

Liao Jinxue got first place in math again. In the afternoon, he went to the teacher’s office to help mark papers. Everyone else has to go to classes, why is he the only one getting special treatment? This isn’t fair.

During the parent’s meeting tonight, Liao Jinxue’s parents didn’t come. How strange, if I had this kind of grades, my parents would probably rush over to flaunt and show off no matter what people say.

……

Xu Qi knew Liao Jinxue more clearly than the latter himself, about how many times he was confessed to before, how many times he got first in the exam, and how many times he was praised by the teacher in class.

The moment there was an opportunity, Xu Qin would hide within the crowds and observe Liao Jinxue like a thief, observing his expression when he listens to other people speak, observing the arcs of his lips when he answered, all while secretly criticising how those eyes of his weren’t as pretty as all those females said. They were more like a pool of cold, stagnant water, engulfing the warmth of his surroundings. Even if you throw stones in, no ripples will form.

Dark and ugly.

When the other person turned, Xu Qi would hurriedly lower his head to look at the little brick on the floor until a few minutes had passed and Liao Jinxue was long far away. Only then would he secretly follow, and the cycle then repeats.

“Liao Jinxue, what were you looking at just now?”

The boy’s loud and carefree voice annoyed his ears. Liao Jinxue had no expression, retracting his gaze along with a “nothing much”, and silently pushed away the other party’s hand which was getting too close.

“I almost thought you were looking at Xu Qi,” the boy let out a tsk.

“Xu Qi?”

“It’s that thin boy who was behind us that was wearing glass, the one with no spirit at all.”

He described it very vividly, Liao Jinxue lowered his eyes, seemingly trying to recall the group of people he saw just now, and shook his head. “I don’t know him.”

“It’s normal to not know him, it’s only been how long since you transferred here? He’s in class 7 next door and seemed to be looking in this direction just now. Not sure if he was peeping at you.”

“You probably saw wrong.”

“Who knows,” the boy shrugged. “According to his classmates, there’s something wrong with his brain. This kind of people would definitely do something like this.”

Liao Jinxue paused in his steps. “Does he have an intellectual disability?”

“No, it’s not that kind of problem.”

He waved his hands, lowered his voice, and leaned forward, not noticing the frown on Liao Jinxue’s face due to the distance he just closed, and continued endlessly with the gossip he heard from who knows where. “According to what I’ve heard, he has a mental illness, don’t know if that’s true. I was in the same junior high as him, and he at that time was just like him now, gloomy and depressing. It’s almost like he’s a ghost. I heard that an accident happened with his family before and it was pretty serious, and someone even died. Don’t know if it’s due to the trauma he got, but from then on there was something a little wrong with him.”

“I see.”

The boy had just finished speaking a huge chunk, and Liao Jinxue just stared at the boy and gave a light casual reply, seemingly having no interest in Xu Qi’s current state of mind.

This reaction made the boy feel a little awkward. He pouted, didn’t continue with the uncomfortable topic. Instead, he started to talk about the arcade games that were trending.

Stepping into the canteen, Liao Jinxue stopped in front of the staircase railing and looked back in inadvertently, catching sight of Xu Qi who hastily looked away.

He quietly stared in that direction for a few minutes. Xu Qi thought that the danger has been averted, so he carefully lifted his glance. He ended up being caught off guard, falling into the eyes that seemed like a bottomless pool of stagnant water. It carried a strong force of suction, dragging him into the deep and dark waters, covering his nose and mouth, and depriving him of his last breath.

Liao Jinxue stood there with a straight face and opened his mouth without a sound.

The students entering the canteen with their trays of food blocked Liao Jinxue’s face, and Xu Qi could only see the first word he mouthed.

Don’t…

Don’t what?

Don’t follow me, don’t sit here, don’t… look at me.

The canteen tray in Xu Qi’s hands started to tremble slightly, and his legs started moving as if they were pre-programmed, towards a seat on the other side that was back facing Liao Jinxue.

The sound of his heartbeat covered the noise of the canteen, resembling the sound of raindrops against stone slabs; it was the sound that he hated the most. It drummed against his ears non-stop, with each beat feeling uncontrollable.

(*) His name is 今雪, and jin sounds really similar to jing, so the MC thought his name was jing (京/经).

(**) 鹤立鸡群 It’s an idiom for standing out.