Ch37 - I want to be that cat 

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Trigger warning: Self-harm.  

What should one do when the person you’ve always liked notices your feelings for them? If it was a teenage couple, a female and a male, then perhaps they could loudly confess their love. No matter whether it works out or not, at least it was a worthy attempt, one that in the end does all the feelings justice.

However, what if it were two men? Or perhaps, what if those two men were brothers, albeit not blood related?

When I was sixteen, Sheng Min Ou had noticed my feelings for him, and took it upon himself to single handedly cut off all contact with me.

I was dejected by his refusal to see me, and also struggled to come to terms with this development. Since he avoided me and rejected all my calls, I decided I’d have to go meet him in real life instead. 

I made up an excuse to my mother, telling her that I was sick and had her call my school to excuse me from attending. She knew that I had a lot of work piled on top of me, and that I was facing enormous pressure. Luckily, at that time my grades were pretty good, so despite her not being able to see how exactly I was ‘sick’, she still contacted the school to let them know I was going to be absent.

Once my mother left, I headed towards Sheng Min Ou’s school. The whole trip I was overjoyed with the thought of being able to meet him again.

However, when I had asked around and found out where his classroom was, running as I went to look for him, reality was not as wonderful I imagined.

Through a giant glass window, I could see in one glance Sheng Min sitting at the back half of the classroom, and next to him sat Qi Yang. The two of them were sitting in extremely close proximity, as if they were intimately having a conversation that was just for the two of them.

I was stunned as I stood in the corridor, feeling like what I was seeing was absurd, and also was at a loss of what to do. Even more than these feelings, was a sense of jealousy that slowly arose.

Jealousy was a pitch black fire, threatening to consume all traces of my rationality.

During this, Sheng Min Ou also seemed to have felt it as his gaze swept towards me. I nervously met his eyes, feeling simultaneously excited and bitter at the same time. However, he was just carelessly letting his eyes roam, and after which he retracted his gaze and it was like he had never seen me at all, or perhaps he had noticed me, but pretended that I did not exist.

He looked at Qi Yang with such an attentive gaze, and revealed such smiles in response to his words. While speaking, Qi Yang suddenly grabbed onto Sheng Min Ou’s hand in excitement, Sheng Min Ou just batted an eye at his action, but did not show any signs of stopping his behaviour. 

I gritted my teeth, staring at their hands which were clasped together, and my mind was a roaring inferno, like a volcano had just erupted – all my thoughts swallowed by uncontrollable, searing hot waves of emotions.

He wasn’t willing to see me, but he could accept Qi Yang getting close to him. He didn’t want me anymore, he was snatched away…

Unless it was really as Qi Yang had said, like how objects were sorted together and people also formed similar groups, Sheng Min Ou was only willing to be with people like himself?

From behind me came hushed tones of a conversation, “Isn’t that Sheng Min Ou and Qi Yang?” 

I looked back behind me, and two boys were leaning against a railing behind them whilst smoking. They probably were able to see Sheng Min Ou and Qi Yang through the window as well, so their conversation steered towards thoughtless gossip.

“Previously Sheng Min Ou had even moved out of campus to avoid him, I heard that Qi Yang always stuck by his side, and anyone who tried to speak to him would get a death glare…” The other boy shook his head, his face twisted in disgust, “That really is a problem, to be liked by someone like him is truly some rotten luck.”

“But look at Sheng Min Ou now, he’s talking to him and having a laugh here and there. Maybe it’s the case of a sincere heart reaching people, and now the big scholar’s heart is finally touched by his efforts?”

“I don’t get it. I’m not trying to discriminate against these types of people, but I feel like Qi Yang is not a normal person. He feels especially sinister, if I was the one who was being hounded by his affections, then I actually don’t feel like I could carelessly reject him. It feels like he’s the kind of person who could in a blink of an eye decide to end me and then off himself too.” 

“That’s true, that’s true!” His viewpoint immediately received the approval of the other person, “Qi Yang’s gaze feels exactly like that type where if he doesn’t succeed in vying for your love, he’d kill your whole family. Sometimes I’m too scared to even talk to Sheng Min Ou, because I’m scared that the psycho would notice and remember me. If we actually got stabbed by that guy then that would be so not worth it.”

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

My extremities were chilled to the bone, and my chest felt tight, like I couldn’t breathe properly, all my frustrations pent up without a place to go. Still standing outside the classroom, I decided to dial Sheng Min Ou’s number. I was just a window away, on the other side of the wall, and I saw with my own two eyes him fishing out his phone and directing a cold, dismissive glance at the screen. He then swiftly pressed down a key, flipped the phone around and tossed it to one side. At the same time, from my phone came the prerecorded reminder that the number I had dialled currently had their phone turned off.

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Sheng Min Ou didn’t move, allowing Qi Yang to get close. Due to how Qi Yang was leaning in, I wasn’t able to see Sheng Min Ou’s expressions clearly, however since he could tolerate Qi Yang being in such close proximity with him, this meant that he didn’t dislike all of this.

If he disliked someone, he would never give that person a single chance. He would cut off all contact, clearly display his unwavering attitude, he would never let it drag on… just like how he treated me.

He didn’t dislike Qi Yang, but he disliked me.

I didn’t stay too long at Sheng Min Ou’s school, as I returned home dispirited, like I had lost my soul. I plunged into bed, falling headfirst, and I wasn’t sure what happened, because later I actually got sick. 

When my mother came home, she said she returned to find me completely wrecked by the fever, as I cried whilst saying I was hurting. I had no recollection of all of this once I woke up, and I’m not eliminating the possibility that she had exaggerated what had happened, but because of getting sick that time I stayed bedridden for two whole days, and lost a visible amount of weight.

When I returned to class, the teacher saw me and even suggested for me to take a few more days off if I hadn’t completely recovered, so as to not overexert myself. Back then, whenever I glanced at the mirror, I always found it hard to believe it was possible for a person to physically change so much and look so hellish during such a short period of time.

My emotions started taking a turn for the worse, I was moody, irritable, in low spirits, manic to the point I couldn’t fall asleep despite my body feeling beyond exhausted from not getting enough rest. I searched the web, and found out that there was a likelihood of it being bipolar disorder. At the same time, a suicide prevention hotline number popped up. I stared at that number for a long time, but in the end I didn’t write it down.

Things were not as bad as to consider suicide, this I knew. 

My mother assumed that my studies were the reason behind why I had become so fragile, however she probably never would’ve imagined that the reason behind why I got thinner each day was the fact that I was heartbroken.

Heartbreak was a pain so excruciating that life may even look like it was no longer worth living. For others, the most they lost was a partner, but when I lost my love, it wasn’t just a partner, but also an older brother.

Teenagers were usually more inclined to rebel, for others, their way of rebellion was to not study and instead spend their time at internet cafes instead. However, my way of rebellion was more extreme, every thought I had was occupied with trying to get with Sheng Min Ou.

During the day, I was a star student in the eyes of my teachers and classmates. I was an outstanding son in my mother’s eyes, I diligently studied, strived to improve myself everyday, and was so outgoing and approachable that it looked like no speck of negativity existed within me. 

At night, I would call Sheng Min Ou’s number incessantly, yet the only response I received would always be a cold, robotic female’s voice. I knew he wouldn’t pick up my calls, but it was already a habit to me, a set routine. If I didn’t dial his number, I’d always feel like I was missing something.

Not getting enough sleep could make anyone’s emotions worse, and as a result I came more and more irritable, developing a short fuse. Once at school, I accidentally bumped into a senior from the grade above. I tossed an ‘I’m sorry’ and wanted to leave, however they weren’t a fan of my dismissive attitude, so they insisted on teaching me how I could be a ‘satisfactory’ houbei.

I didn’t waste my time on him as I landed a punch, knocking him out and resulting in a disciplinary warning over this incident.

Being a good student has its perks, and it was evident in this situation. No one felt like I should be held responsible, and instead they made up all sorts of reasons for me, like ‘the pressure of studying was too great’, ‘he did it as an act of self defense’, ‘the other person frequently picks on younger juniors’. They even comforted me and told me to not take it to heart. 

However, faced with a disciplinary warning that didn’t hurt me in the slightest, the senior was clearly displeased as this incident lingered on his mind. A few days later after school finished, he had some delinquents from outside the school teach me a lesson as they blocked my path off in an alley.

Even with both fists raised, it was hard to defend against two pairs of hands, so faced with four, five pairs of hands it was an even harder task. I was beat until I was left in the muddied dirt of the alley, to the point where I couldn’t even get up. After they felt like they had done their job, they left, cursing and jeering as they went.

I laid by myself resting for a while before stumbling as I stood. I didn’t go to the hospital, and didn’t return home either. I relied on pure willpower alone to make it to Sheng Min Ou’s rented flat.

In hindsight, I would also question whether there was something wrong with me back then. 

I arrived outside his house, dropping to the floor and leant heavily against his door in wait. I waited until night had fallen, before he finally appeared.

I didn’t even think about why I went to look for him back then. Later, when I had a lot of time to reflect on everything, the feeling which gripped my heart had completely vanished, and I was unable to get a hold of anything.

In reality though, this wasn’t something that was too hard to figure out. From the perspective of a little brat, was getting someone who was important to them to see them in a beaten up state, all for the fact that they could look like a hero? Of course not – it was so that kind of frustration which comes from feeling wronged, the battered down state, the feeling of having strayed far away and at a distance, all of this could be displayed for the other person to see, so they would feel sorry for them.

From the entirety of when I was younger to now, Sheng Min Ou had never once displayed an emotion of this sense before. 

The sound of footsteps gradually drew closer, until a pair of shoes stopped from in front of me. It was then that I slowly raised my head up.

Sheng Min Ou was looking at me from high above, as his eyes flickered downwards to meet my gaze. His eyes were completely devoid of surprise, and consequently there was no sense of care, or feeling sorry for, that I had been secretly hoping and wanting to see.

I gave him a grin, however the movement tugged at the cuts on the corners of my lips, and I frowned in response to the flaring pain.

“Ge, I’ve been beat up by people, it hurts so much…” 

I went to tug at his pant legs, however he remained unmoved by my actions as he only muttered softly, “Let go.”

We hadn’t seen each other for two months, and this was the first thing he said when he saw me afterwards.

I had remained sitting for too long, so I stumbled when I attempted to stand up. I propped myself against the door to help myself up and finally was able to stand properly.

“Ge, no matter what I did to make you angry, I apologise for all of it, please, don’t be like this.” I pressed my lips together, and continued in an almost begging tone, “Please don’t ignore me.” 

Sheng Min Ou stared at me for a long time and then responded, “You didn’t anger me, I just don’t want to see you. You should go home, and never return here again.”

I didn’t think that he would be so straightforward with his words, to the point that for a second what he just said didn’t even sink in. He didn’t even give me a chance to pretend that nothing had happened between us.

Covering things up only made it more conspicuous, and he didn’t need paper to mask the growing flames. What he wanted was to, alongside the annoying and irksome flame, eliminate all elements that could not be controlled by him.

Seeing that I hadn’t moved, he promptly dragged me to one side and fished out his keys to open the lock on his door. As if I was a piece of trash from who knows where that had made its way in front of him, he could just kick me away, without a need to show any sort of care for me. 

No matter what I did, he had already decided that he didn’t want me anymore, so why should I bother continue playing along with the act of being an obedient and good younger brother?

“I like you.” I saw that his movement stiffened as he opened the lock, and a surge of elation rose in my heart for no apparent reason, “Not the type of like that is felt by a younger brother to their older brother.”

He looked at the door and was still for two seconds, closed his eyes, then holding back on the temper evident in his voice responded, “Enough, get out of my sight, and don’t come back again.”

If it was like usual, once he told me to leave like that, I would’ve done so. However that day I was like a madman, having no fear as I taunted and pushed him to the limits of what he could tolerate. 

“Is it because you think these dirty words are tainting your ears? The younger brother falls in love with the older brother, how disgusting.”

He gripped onto the door handle, and in the end abandoned his efforts of opening the lock that had already grown rusty from countless days and nights. He turned towards me, and revealed a cold, indifferent, and mocking smile in response.

“Since you already knew, then you shouldn’t have said it.”

He indeed thought I was filthy and disgusting. In an instant, a sharp pain stabbed at my heart. I stood there and thought, it was over, all those fights really did something to me, they must have broken my heart. 

Previously, I always thought that ‘heartache’ was just a noun, but I never would’ve imagined that one day, I would actually experience it, without any kind of physical trauma, a feeling like my heart was being torn apart.

I took a while to recover, then painstakingly continued, “Yes, I should have guarded this secret for the rest of my life, so I could at least continue to be brothers with you. Now, you would rather never see me again, right?”

“I thought my stance was already very clear.” If what he said could make me leave, it was evident that Sheng Min Ou was not against directing even harsher and callous phrases towards me.

I sneered, “Then why can you accept Qi Yang being by your side? Because you like him more, or because… he can fulfil your sick desires?” 

His eyes narrowed in response, and let a moment pass before he asked me, “What are you talking about.”

His voice had lowered, and it was more threatening.

I was taunting and playing with a wild beast’s mane, I knew that in doing so I was practically asking for death, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Anything Qi Yang can do, I can do. If monsters can only fall in love with monsters, then I will become one.” I said calmly, taking out a box cutter which I had kept on me. 

He looked at me, without making a move to stop me.

“Monster…” He murmured, “So what are you going to do? Are you going to kill me?”

I shook my head, “No, I want to be that cat.” The cat that had received his pity, the cat that, even after death, was so loved upon by him. Sheng Min Ou was stunned for a second, and after I had made a cut on my arm, he quickly understood what I meant. His eyes widened marginally as his pupils shrunk in response.

Fresh blood gushed out of my wound, dripping onto the dirtied floor. I looked at the splotches of blood on the floor as they bloomed like plum blossoms, and felt the frustration and the irritation which I had suppressed for so long suddenly fade by a great deal. I finally understood why so many people self harmed when they were depressed. Though it alleviated symptoms without being a cure for the root problem, it ultimately was able to transfer the pain elsewhere. 

Sheng Min Ou looked at the blood on the floor and in an extremely soft whisper said, “Lu Feng, you fool.”

Without waiting for my response, he rushed towards me and threw a heavy punch, the force of it tilting my whole head to one side. As a result, the box cutter also fell from my hands. The blows from his attacks continued raining down on me, he was like an enraged wild beast, with all sense of logic leaving him.

I was hurled onto the ground, with his kneecap pressed against my back. He gripped my hair as he smashed me against the floor.

“Ge… stop beating me…” I started pleading for mercy as fear kicked in and overran my thoughts and my body. I lost all bravado and began begging like a coward. “If you keep hitting me, I’ll die…” 

I thought I could bear it, but that was in the end just a naive thought a little kid had.

“Didn’t you want to die?” He lifted my head, panting, as he continued, his tone abhorrent, “You want to become a ‘monster’? You? You think you’re worthy?”

“I was wrong…” I hugged my head, feeling dizzy and in a haze all over, “… I’ll never do it again.”

Sheng Min Ou beat me like he had the intention of killing me. If I could describe my injuries from before as just mild cuts to the skin, then after his blows, I was basically injured to the point where I thought I’d become crippled. 

After beating me, he let out a long exhale and stood up, looking much more relaxed than before.

“Get out of my sight, I don’t need another cat.”

There was the sound of paper being folded on top of itself, a crisp crunching, as he shoved a one hundred renminbi note in my pocket, and told me to call a taxi so I could go to the hospital.

When the stars had faded a bit more from my head, I crawled up from the ground. I didn’t go to the hospital, rather I bought some gauze from the pharmacy close by and after doing the basics like stopping the hemorrhaging, I called a cab and returned home. 

When I returned home, my mother also got back from a late shift, and she was so scared from the sight of me that she almost had a heart attack. She examined the extent of my injuries with trepidation as she pressed for details and how it happened. I blamed it all on the senior that held a grudge against me, saying that it was caused by the delinquents he had sent.

The next day, my mother stormed the school and demanded for the teacher to provide an adequate response and explanation. A while later, the senior was persuaded to leave the school, and I never saw them since.