I and My Husband Sleep in a Coffin

The erratic woman charged at them. Wang Xiao Mie and Baiyu began a game of cat and mouse with Baiyu hiding behind Wang Xiao Mie, screaming and grabbing at his clothes.

Wang Xiao Mie used the martial arts he had learned from his previous life and the slightly stronger than normal human strength to deflect the attacking woman time and again.

However, the woman was like a tireless machine. Every time she was pushed away, she would always rush back with a strange look on her face. After a few repetitive rounds, Wang Xiao Mie was starting to get worn out. And Baiyu behind him was still screaming away.

Wang Xiao Mie turned back and glared at him, “Stop shouting! And you’re about to rip my clothes off! Come and help!”

“No no no, she’s a lady after all. I can’t lay hands on such a delicate woman!”

Wang Xiao Mie: “… You still want to be a gentleman in this situation?! Open your eyes! Look at her! What delicate woman will scream ‘I’ll kill you’ and then chase you around with a fruit knife?!”

Hm? Wait a minute…

A fruit knife?!!!

Wang Xiao Mie and Baiyu were flabbergasted when they faced the crazed woman whose hair now dangled messily over her face. Somehow she had managed to acquire a fruit knife from the kitchen and was currently staring at them with murderous eyes.

Wang Xiao Mi: “…”

Baiyu: “…”

Wang Xiao Mie, “This is the delicate girl you were talking about? This looks more like some sort of sickness, the kind that killed Makoto.” 

[TN: I’m not familiar with the franchise but from what I found, I think Xiao Mie is referring to the Makoto from ‘School Days’. If you don’t know about School Days and are curious, please be warned, it has a pretty disturbing plot]

Baiyu, “… forget I said anything.”

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“I’ll kill you… heh heh heh… It’s all your fault…” The ‘delicate’ girl raised the shiny knife in her hand and charged at them.

“Ah!” Wang Xiao Mie and Baiyu could not fight back. They ran to the tea table in the living room and the crazy woman chased after them, all the while waving the knife erratically.

The three ran in circles around the tea table. Several times, Biayu’s butt had narrowly escaped the blade of the knife!

Feeling the sharpness of the blade against his butt, Baiyu yelled at Wang Xiao Mie running ahead of him, “Can you please run faster! My butt’s going to split! Ow! My pants!” After he said that, his loose pants were slashed open, exposing the floral design underpants.

The psychotic woman behind him smiled vulgarly like a pervert after he had torn off a girl’s clothing.

Wang Xiao Mie saw the scene and couldn’t help giggling. It was also then that the girl had caught up to Baiyu.

Baiyu’s expression drastically changed as the knife was coming down on him. Wang Xiao Mie hurriedly turned back and gave Biayu a harsh kick, plunging him into the sofa and escaping from the fatal knife stab.

Baiyu, who had almost kicked the bucket, rubbed his shoulder which had been rendered numb from the kick. Still fearful, he rolled to one side and hid behind the sofa, all the while chanting, “Escaping death will bring good fortune, escaping death will bring good fortune…”

Wang Xiao Mie was frantically recalling all the swordsmanship he had learned from his previous life. With some hesitation, he picked up the slender item on the table and pointed at the woman in a suave-looking attacking pose.

The crazy woman was stumped. She gripped her kitchen knife while looking at the item aimed right at her: a back scratcher [in some places, it’s also called the ‘Don’t need your help’]

Wang Xiao Mie faced the dangerous woman heroically but Baiyu had a grim look staring at the back scratcher in his hand.

Wang Xiao Mie was putting on a brave front but internally, he was panicking. 

“Don’t come any closer or I’ll let you have a taste of my Xuan Feng Swordplay!” At this moment, Wang Xiao Mie was hoping that the woman was crazy enough to not realize that he actually had a back scratcher in his hand.

The crazy woman did stop but before he could relax, he heard her sneering.

Wang Xiao Mie, “…” Miss, aren’t you supposed to be crazy?! Now I just look ridiculous!

Baiyu in hiding suddenly shouted, “Take the ring off of her! It’s my grandfather’s relic. It can mutate a person’s negative emotions and turn them violent. Removing it should wake her up!”

“Why didn’t you say this earlier?!” 

Baiyu said with guilt, “… I was being chased all over the place, all I could think of was trying to stay alive.”

Wang Xiao Mie: I really have to hand it to you!

Wang Xiao Mie ignored him and turned to face the woman. “Pretty miss, please calm down. Whatever resentment you have, you can share with us! We’ll talk it through!”

Wang Xiao Mie was only trying to buy time but who knew the woman really did stop. 

Wang Xiao Mie and Baiyu looked at each other. Not daring to stimulate her, Wang Xiao Mie consoled her in a soft and sincere voice, “That’s it, tell us and we’ll listen. It doesn’t matter if you’re short of money or a boyfriend, we’ll help you fix it.”

Baiyu muttered from behind the sofa, “I don’t have money or friends who are single…”

Wang Xiao Mie, “Shut up! I have money! And aren’t you single?!”

Hearing his words, Baiyu said bashfully, “No way! I want feelings that develop over a period of time! We’ve only just met.”

Wang Xiao Mie: I really want to hit you with this back scratcher.

The woman suddenly spoke, “Resentment?”

Wang Xiao Mie and Baiyu, “Yes, yes, yes. You’re so pretty, what’s there that can bother you?”

The woman then tilted her head and shouted angrily, “So what if I’m flat-chested?! How dare you despise me for that! How dare you ignore my calls! I’ll kill you!”

“…”

“Breaking news: A woman broke into her neighbor’s house in broad daylight and chased two innocent young men with a knife because her boyfriend disliked her flat chest.” Does this sound reasonable?!

Out of curiosity, Wang Xiao Mie took a quick glance at the woman’s figure behind the shriveled night dress… 

I didn’t notice before but it’s indeed flat…

The crazy woman caught Wang Xiao Mie’s undeniable expression and went berserk. She charged at him with maximum killing intent. Wang Xiao Mie had nowhere to run and had to face her with sword techniques he learned from his previous life.

But in his hand was after all a back scratcher, he dared not use strong attacks and could only try ways to flick the fruit knife off her hand.

As the fight was getting aggressive, Baiyu became anxious and stood up to look for weapons while trying to appease her, “Miss, take it easy! He’s innocent! You should know that his boyfriend’s chest is totally flat!”

Wang Xiao Mie was insulted, “Nonsense! Don’t think that my Xiao Wenzi only looks pretty on the outside, underneath those clothes is an incredible body! With an eight-pack and a sexy mermaid line! His chest is definitely more defined than hers!”

Hearing those words, the woman screamed in rage and waved the fruit knife violently!

Baiyu, who had just found a badminton racket, was dumbfounded, “Can you at least try not to agitate her?!”

The back scratcher was chopped but Wang Xiao Mie had also managed to hit an acupoint on her arm, disabling it and causing her to drop the knife.

Wang Xiao Mie was finally able to breathe. He retorted, “No way, my hubby is the best!”

Baiyu, “…”

Without the knife, the woman stretched out her other hand and resorted to fighting close range. Her bright manicure shimmered under the sun as it reached for its target, replicating the ‘Jiu Jin Bai Gu Zhao’!

[TN: 九阴白骨爪, directly translated as Nine Yin White Bone Claws. Couldn’t come up with a better translation for this so I’m leaving it as is. It’s a martial arts technique from the Legend of the Condor Heroes]

Wang Xiao Mie was reluctant to hurt her. He guarded her tackle only to be knocked down by the force. 

The woman’s clothes were now out of place while Wang Xiao Mie’s hair had come loose. They both frolicked back and forth on the ground.

Baiyu stood flabbergasted holding a racket, “Woah, this is so exciting.”

Wang Xiao Mie placed his elbow against the woman’s neck to prevent her from biting him.

“Come help me quickly!”

“Ha? Oh! I’m coming!”

Baiyu quickly went to get a skipping rope from the shoe cabinet and tied up the woman. When he had managed to tie most of her hands and before he could feel safe, she turned and bit him on the arm!

“Ow ow ow! That hurts!” Baiyu cried miserably.

“It’s ok, let me help you!” Wang Xiao Mie held back the woman’s mouth and stuffed something in it.

The beer in the can gushed into her mouth as she crushed the can with her teeth. 

Baiyu took this opportunity to pull off the ring on her finger. Having the ring taken off, the woman struggled a little before turning motionless and fainting.

By now, Wang Xiao Mie and Biayu were both exhausted. They looked at each other and sat back on the ground breathing heavily.

“Will she be ok?” Wang Xiao Mie asked.

“It’s alright, she only fainted,” Baiyu responded.

“Can you please put these kinds of things in a safe place? We’re dead if there are two more of them!”

Baiyu shook his head innocently, “That’s not right. I clearly put the ring together with my grandfather’s things in a large box and kept it hidden in my bedroom wardrobe. How did she get hold of it? That’s just too weird…”

The two mulled over this matter for a while before carrying the unconscious woman to the sofa.

Looking back at the scene: a woman in minimum clothing was tied up and gagged with a beer can with two big men sitting beside her gasping, if a neighbor were to see this scene, they couldn’t clear their names even if they had ten mouths.

Oddly enough, with all the ruckus that they made, no neighbors came knocking on their door.

Baiyu explained, “There are no other tenants on this floor. And the only other people living here are the grannies and uncles who stayed on the first or second floors.”

The two continued to rest in the messy living room when there was a knock on the door again. 

Wang Xiao Mie and Baiyu were nervous, “Don’t tell me there’s another one.”

But only a few seconds after the knock, the door was kicked open and Wen Feng Jin rushed in. He went straight to Wang Xiao Mie and pulled him into his arms. His eyes swept the surroundings and landed on Baiyu sitting next to the unconscious woman.

Feeling the hostility in his stare, Baiyu raised his hands to show his innocence. Only then did Wen Feng Jin ignore him and turn his attention back to Wang Xiao Mie. He reached under his clothes and slowly touched about.

“Were you hurt anywhere?” 

“No.”

Wang Xiao Mie leaned on Wen Feng Jin and feeling the strong muscular chest, his anxiety eased up considerably. Just as he became free of worries, his impish nature emerged. Wang Xiao Mie looked at Baiyu with full-on smugness as he patted on his Xiao Wenzi’s chest.

Wang Xiao Mie: See! There’s meat!

Baiyu: …

Wang Xiao Mie went on to snuggle into Wen Feng Jin’s arms. Thinking that he was still in fright, Wen Feng Jin gently kissed the top of his hair and rubbed his back.

Wang Xiao Mie: See! This is boyfriend power!

Baiyu: ……………