I Want to Smile Beside you in the Spring That I Haven’t Seen Yet

"You look like an idiot. Why are you cooperating with them?"

Kana, who was behind me, raised her eyebrows at me.

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled awkwardly.

"Haruka is really too good a person," Nanami said.

Nanami also shrugged her shoulders in exasperation.

I hesitated for a moment, at a loss for words, and wondering what I should answer, then I spoke, 

"...Because, Tohko has been my friend since childhood. It's only natural for me to support her boyfriend."

"Really? Do you really really believe so?"

I nodded yes to Kana, who peeked at me doubtfully.

Kana sighs exaggeratedly and says.

"I'm not sure if that's what Haruka wants or not, but if it's ok with her, then that's fine. I know it's my choice, but I get kind of creeped out when I see Tohko. I wonder why Tohko chose such a plain girl."

I gave a vague "hmm" and a fake smile.

"Look, Haruka, Kana."

Nanami pointed behind me, and I turned around to see Tohko and Kanata-kun coming down the stairs of the student entrance.

They were walking slowly, keeping a modest distance, but smiling happily at each other from time to time.

They probably walked out the front door after we were far enough away from them.

"Why are you showing me? It's really disgusting."

Kana frowned and complained.

"You should have paid a little more attention to Haruka, you are really insensitive."

As she continued in frustration, Tohko's little head turned around as if she had heard her.

She immediately moved away from him and headed toward the old building at a quick pace.

I looked away and stared at my feet.

The back of my eyes was getting hot and painful.

No, not like this. I encouraged myself and looked up to smile at Kana.

"They're in a relationship, so it's natural for them to be together."

Kana's face contorted even more at my words.

"Do you really think so? Haruka. Your place has been taken away, and you bear no grudge at all?"

"Ha ha, that's no use of preemption, because I confessed to him but he shook me.  Tohko was reserved, but the truth is that she really liked him for a long time, so she decided to go out with him. Tohko isn't the one to blame at all, she didn't do anything wrong."

"But, Haruka said she liked him first, so why would she say yes?"

I was startled.

I suddenly stop dead in my tracks and smile hurriedly.

"I'm sorry, I just remembered something. I'll go home first."

I cheerfully announced and walked away from both of them, who were looking at me wide-eyed.

I jogged back to the entrance and walked briskly down the hallway.

My heart was aching.

It makes me sad to hear people say bad things about Tohko.

Tohko is an important friend of mine, and I know her to be a really sweet and lovely girl.

She is indeed reserved and quiet, so people tend to call her plain or gloomy, but in reality, she is.......

I return to the classroom, pick up my things, and go back the way I came.

Looking down through the hallway window, I see many club members on the field, running and chasing a ball.

There was also Kanata-kun practicing pole vaulting.

I used to watch him every day, but now I try to keep him out of my sight as much as possible and look away.

Even when I turn my eyes away from the ground, I can still hear the sound of balls and shouts from the gymnasium and the sound of musical instruments from the music room.

In the courtyard, children from the Gardening Club were tending to the flower beds, and some members of the Film Club were filming with a video camera.

I glanced at them as they worked hard on their club activities, and walked toward the school gate while tightening the collar of my coat against the cold.

It wasn't like I had anything to do at home, and I knew that my mother would only complain to me again if I went home early, so my steps naturally became heavier.

As I walked slowly past the old building, I saw the art room.

I couldn't help but peek inside.

As expected, Tohko was there.

She is sitting by the window, running her brush across the canvas.

I know that she is really good at painting and that she paints very gentle pictures.

Just by looking at her profile as she stared straight ahead at the blank canvas and moved her hands with single-minded devotion, I could tell how much she loved to paint.

"Good," an unconscious mutter leaked out.

I envy people from the bottom of my heart who have something they love and are passionate about.

I can tell just by looking at Tohko and Kanata-kun that they are doing their best in their club activities because they really love it.

Tohko said that every day after school, she would immediately go to club activities as soon as possible and that she had been going to the art room all summer long.

Kanata-kun also stays until dark every day and jumps over and over again.

The others also came to school on weekends and practiced without a break.

And yet, I have neither a club I want to join nor a hobby I can devote myself to.

I had a few lessons, but I could not get myself absorbed in anything, nor was I passionate about anything.

My guidance counselor told me to find what I wanted to do, but I wondered if that really meant anything.