I Want to Smile Beside you in the Spring That I Haven’t Seen Yet

2. THE GENTLE MUSIC YOU PLAY

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"Hey Haruka, do you want to go karaoke today?"

During the lunch break, as I was taking my lunch out of my bag, Kana called out to me.

To be honest, I'm not really in the mood for it.

But if I refused, she might think I'm weird or that I don't go out with her anymore, so she might not ask me out in the future.

I took a few moments to think about it, not letting my hesitation show on my face.

As I parted my lips to answer, Kana glanced to the side.

Reflexively, I followed her gaze and saw Tohko, who was leaving the classroom with her lunch box clutched to her chest, looking at me.

"Wait, what are you looking at? I didn't invite Tohko," Kana said, raising her eyebrows.

Tohko lowered her head a little as if she was troubled and answered in a small voice.

"I'm sorry... I just happened to be watching, but I'm sorry if I offended you."

With that, she ran out of the classroom.

Kana took a small breath and sat down in front of me, saying, "Let's eat lunch."

Nanami also brought her lunch and sat down next to me, and the three of us had lunch together.

Until now, the four of us used to eat together, including Tohko.

However, things got awkward with her during the festival, because I became embarrassed about Kanata-kun and we didn't talk for a while, so we lost the habit of eating together.

After that, I made up with her and asked her to eat with me again, but she turned me down.

I think she was probably being considerate of Kana and Nanami.

I thought it would be fine with her, but she just wouldn't accept it.

Whenever I tried to ask her out, she always went away before I could speak to her.

I myself have not dared to make things worse with Kana and the others, so things have stayed the same.

I wonder where Tohko is eating now.

It hurts my heart to imagine her eating lunch alone in the dark.

But then I thought that she might be eating alone with Kanata-kun, and my heart ached at the thought of that.

When the four of us were eating together, lunch break was the time I looked forward to the most.

Now, however, it is the most depressing time of the day.

It is very difficult for me to enjoy chatting with Kana and Nanami on the surface, while worrying about Tohko, and I get tired of keeping a smile on my face.

"Hey, hey, look at this Instagram, she's a model, isn't she so cute?"

"Are you watching that drama? It's really interesting, you must watch it!

"I heard there's a new crepe shop near the station, let's go there sometime"

"I've been going around on Twitter, and I want to go to this pancake place and this ice cream place too. See, it's like a great Instagram, isn't it?"

"I really want to go there. Let's all go together on Saturday and Sunday. That's a deal!"

I was listening to their conversation, but not a bit of the content was getting through to my head.

I felt as if their voices were circling around me, forever clinging to me.

I felt sorry for them, but I felt like it was just noise, so noisy that it almost hurt my ears.

I couldn't smile properly. I couldn't answer back.

It was no good. I was going to make them feel bad. I had to do something to get myself back on track.

Even though I was thinking that, my mind was remembering the mysterious boy I had met the other day.

His gentle voice, his smile, and his soft quietness.

I had never had such a quiet and peaceful time with someone, either at school or at home.

I missed that silence.

After the lunch period, which felt like hours, was over and I had finished my afternoon classes, my homeroom teacher called out, "Hirose, come on."

I ran up to her and she handed me a note saying, "Here, I got this from your guidance counselor. The next interview will be called. Don't forget."

I looked at it and saw that the date and time for next week were written on it.

"Oh… yes, I understand."

I smiled and nodded, but my feelings were sinking fast.

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I have to go through that interview again. I would have to go through that sermon again. Just thinking about it made me feel heavy and my heart darkened.

Of course, nothing had progressed since the last interview.

I tried to read some books on career paths and did some research on the Internet, but everything just passed by me from right to left, and nothing stuck in my head.

I don't think I'm going to discover anything new that'll drop the scales from my eyes, and I'm sure nothing will change.

What should I do? I hate it. I wish next week would never come.

I sighed deeply in my heart.

After school, I did not go to karaoke after all.

I failed to get a passing score on the math test, which I was not very good at, and had to take a follow-up test.

The only way to get a good score is to take the same test over and over again until you get a perfect score, and since I couldn't concentrate, I made a lot of careless mistakes and didn't get home until after dark.

"Haa...I'm tired..."

I let out a small mumble as I headed for the shoe box.

There's no point in saying this, so I try not to say it.

When I was sighing and looking out the window, I saw a man and a woman walking side by side to the school gate, and my heart ached.

It was Tohko and Kanata-kun.

It was already too dark to see them clearly, but I could tell just by their silhouettes that one was petite and slender, and the other tall body stood out in the light from the outside lamps.

He must have met her on his way home from club activities.

The two of them were walking shoulder to shoulder much closer than usual as if they thought that I, who belongs to a homecoming club, would not stay at school this late.

Blood rushed to my head.

My heart raced, and I felt a squeezing pain in my chest.

It was painful for me to witness their harmonious appearance, and it was painful for me to have them hide from the world because of me.

As I watched the backs of the two slowly shrinking in size, I couldn't help but feel bitter.

I love him.

I still vividly remember the first time I met him.

I had just entered the school and had hardly made any friends yet. After a school assembly in the gymnasium, I felt sick and collapsed on the stairs.

I was far away from Tohko and Kana, and I didn't know anyone else.

People around me looked at me from a distance as I collapsed as if they were confused.

I felt like I was going to throw up.

The sick feeling I had never experienced before and the embarrassment of everyone watching me brought tears to my eyes.

The nausea was so bad that I thought I was going to die if I threw up where everyone was watching.

I was desperately holding my mouth with a handkerchief when someone crouched down next to me and said, "Are you okay?" 

I felt as if I would throw up if I moved even in the slightest, so I couldn't respond, nod, or shake my head, so I just ignored him even though he had gone to the trouble of calling me.

I thought he would be offended and walk away, but he did not. "You look pretty bad," he said. "I think we should go to the infirmary. Can you walk?"

I remained silent and sat there, almost crying at the sound of his gentle voice.

Then he mumbled, "You can't, can you?

"Sorry, I know you don't want to… but I'm sorry."

Then he slowly took me in his arm