I Want to Smile Beside you in the Spring That I Haven’t Seen Yet

However, Amane's words made me realize that I may have been wasting my time.

I thought there was nothing I liked, nothing I was passionate about, but in fact, I may have been crushing something I could have been passionate about.

I was so concerned about what people around me would think of me that I put blinders on myself and stifled my own feelings.

But, to my own dismay, I was always worried about how other people viewed me. 

I didn't want to show my disgusting self, and I never wanted to do anything that I couldn't do well, in front of others.

I wanted to be seen as a good girl every time, so I always looked at other people's faces and tried my hardest to act like everyone else so that I wouldn't seem out of place.

I was a miserable and uncool person who was always trying to fit in with the people around her and had no "self".

But it wasn't as if I didn't want to get rid of that part of me.

And I thought now was my chance to do so.

I looked up and straightened myself to look at Amane, 

"I have a favor to ask you."

Amane tilted his head slightly. 

I knew he was implying, "What is it?"

I swallowed and took a deep breath before parting my lips,

"...Will you play the piano with me?"

Amane's eyes widened and became so clear that I felt as if I was being sucked in. 

"I'd like to… play the piano again." 

I wanted to play again, too.

I wanted to change.

Still, I couldn't dare to play alone in front of the people I just met today. Because I was weak.

But if I was with him... If he was next to me, I might be able to change a little.

I was ascertained that Amane would smile kindly and accept me, but the next moment, he shook his head.

His face was terribly tense. His thin lips moved in a quivering motion. Then he lowered his eyes and slowly wrote in his notebook.

[I don't like the piano, so I won't play it anymore.]

My heart pulsed.

I wanted to take back the words I had uttered without thinking.

How insensitive I was to say that. Just a moment ago, I saw the look on his face when he wrote 'I don't like the piano', and I knew that there must have been a complicated and painful situation behind it. 

A surge of intense regret came over me.

'Why am I like this? I am so bad, I hate myself so much.'

I wanted to change myself, but it was wrong to try to change with the help of Amane. And because of that, I made him feel bad about himself.

My eyes began to burn and I turned my head and covered my face with my hands.

Soon after, I heard a thumping sound. I knew it was Amane's finger, but I couldn't look up.

Next, I heard scribbling sounds. I wondered what he was writing, and then a page of a notebook was presented to my downcast vision.

[I'm sorry I can't help you.] 

Seeing those words made my heart hurt, "Why are you apologizing? It's not your fault, Amane. I just said something selfish, so you don't have to apologize."

I desperately tried to say something back, but Amane still had an apologetic look on his face.

[If it's your request, I'd like to listen to it, but I don't think I can play any more, sorry.] 

I involuntarily forgot to blink and stared at him.

I had never had anyone say to me that they wanted to do me a favour.

"...Why would you say that to me? I just met you..."

[Haruka's crying face looked really bitter and sad.]

I looked under his hand and found those words on the notebook page, and I was startled.

I couldn't believe that when we first met, he not only heard me cry, but also saw my face. My cheeks burnt with embarrassment.

After taking a glance at me, Amane moved her hand further and continued.

[So, if it would save you from crying, I'd like to do what I can to help you.] 

I almost shouted, "What?"

It was a line that could have appeared in a drama. But strangely enough, when Amane said that, it wasn't strange at all. Was it because of his unique atmosphere? 

[But I'm sorry about the piano.] 

I stared at Amane and shook my head,

"It's fine, Amane. You don't need to apologize. Besides, I won't cry because I can't play the piano."

Amane let out a giggle at my words, his eyes narrowing softly. Then he ran his pen across the page.

[Really? Won't you cry again?] 

I glare at him with a teasing smile.

"I'm not such a crier." 

[Really?]

"Yes, I'm not such a crybaby."

[Even though you were crying so raggedly?]

Amane smiled with the corners of his lips raised funnily, as he stared at me.

"No, at that time…"

I was about to argue, but my words stopped there.

Suddenly, I remembered Kanata-kun and Tohko walking side by side and how I had cut off contact from my mother; my feelings instantly darkened.

I had found this store after a long time, met Amane again, heard him play the piano, and so many things happened all at once that I had completely forgot about my worries, but none of the problems I was having now had been resolved.

The irrepressible feelings that had faded from my mind due to the fresh events in front of me were welling up again from the depths of my heart.

I had to go home now, make excuses for my mother, and go back to school in the morning. Just thinking about it made me feel heavy. Read I Want to Smile Beside You In The Spring That I Haven't Seen Yet only on https://royaltywrites.com.ng/

I didn't want to stay home. I didn't even want to go to school.

Subconsciously, I sighed loudly.

I felt Amane's straight face and straight gaze toward me.

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

At that moment, the sound of a bell rang out from the wall clock.

"Oh, it's already nine o'clock…" I muttered and then realized.

I wondered if Amane's family would not be offended if he didn't return home until this late.

I asked him if it was okay, and he smiled and shook his head. 

[My parents work together and come home late.]

After writing this, he paused for a moment and looked thoughtful before continuing.

[Even if I go home early, there's nothing to do.]

I somehow noticed these words written in small letters.

I didn't know the reason, but Amane, just like me, might not feel comfortable at home. Maybe that was why he wanted to go home as late as possible.

At the moment that thought came to my head, I blurted out impulsively, "Hey, if you don't mind, I'd like to..."

Amane raised his eyes and tilted his head slightly.

I became aware of what I was about to say and felt my heart rate suddenly increase. But I mustered up the courage to say it out loud.

"...Can you give me your contact information?"

My heart was about to jump out of my mouth.

I had never said such a bold thing to a boy before. 

I had been unable to say it myself when Kanata-kun gave me his contact information, and it was only after Kana casually set the tone that I managed to ask for it.

But now, neither Kana nor Nanami, who were always there to support me, were here. If I wanted to know Amane's contact information, if I wanted to meet him again, I had to ask him myself.

I didn't know why I wanted to see him again. It was not as if I loved him in the same way I was in love with Kanata-kun; but for some reason, I couldn't get him out of my mind. 

His tears and smile when I first met him, his lovely voice that he wasn't revealing now, the beautiful sound of the piano I just heard, his expression that made it seem like he didn't want to go home, everything about him... I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

Above all, Amane's gentle and soft atmosphere seemed special to me, and for some reason, I felt very relaxed and healed when I was around him. His air was different from that of anyone else.

I didn't know if it was because of that, but I just didn't want to leave it at that.

"I'd like to meet and talk with you again, if possible."

Amane looked at me thoughtfully for a moment and then moved his pen.

[What do you want to talk about?]

He asked me what I wanted to talk about. I felt as if he was asking me what I wanted to know about him.

"Anything…"

I wondered what he would normally talk about. I parted my lips, thinking, "Well, about home, about school..."

I shook my head after I said that.

"No, that's not it."

Amane huffed out a funny breath.

[I think that's what people usually talk about when they're in high school.]

If truth be told, when asked what I want to talk about, I can't think of anything.

I didn't want to talk about school, home, or my career path, and I couldn't talk about it. But then again, I had no hobbies or special skills, so I had nothing else to talk about.

How empty and thin I was.

I sighed, and then I heard the sound of pen scribbling on paper.

Then, tapping the table with his pen, Amane showed me the notebook.

[The color of the sky that day, the shape of the clouds, the scent of the wind, the name of the flower I found on the street, the smell of dinner at some house, the pattern of a stray cat I saw on the way home, a new road I discovered, delicious food, a beautiful view I encountered somewhere.]

Words lined up in a row. When I rolled my eyes at him and wondered what he was talking about, he looked at me with narrowed eyes and continued. 

[We have a lot to talk about outside of home and school.]

I stared back at Amane, speechless.

"I think you should just tell me about what you felt that day."

He finished writing and looked up at me, to which I nodded broadly.

"Yes, yes, yes… I agree."

I repeated foolishly, unable to articulate what I felt from his words.

Then we exchanged contact details and talked about what we were going to do.

"So, if neither of us has any plans after school, we'll meet up at 4.30 and talk about how we felt that day?"

Amane nodded in acknowledgement.