Not Far Not Close

Silk Street BAR

Equal the end of the love between you and me
Look out from both windows
The far past is silent movie that no one notices
Because know it too well that’s way it’s hurts
Without you just listen the wind’s breath
Because there’s something called time says it will be okay
In the end we will be healed…

Sun Yanzhi < Understanding>

“ If you only have one day left in your life, what do you want to do the most?”
“Don’t talk nonsense!”
“ I want to say to everyone who knows me; I love you “
“ Oh please! You make my teeth sour “
“ Tianyi, I’m sleepy “
“ Then go to sleep, I’ll go change the flower in the vase, the flower Xixi just sent is beautiful “
“ Walk slowly, the water room are slippery “
……..

Those are my last conversation with Bowen. As I walked back from the water room with a vase filled with water, I heard heart-wrenching cries coming from Bowen’s ward. I leaned against the wall and held my shaking body, and Ye Xixi came out from inside and hugged me.

It’s too fast.

The argument between my Mother and I haven’t reach to intense level. The lucky stars in the bottle were only half, and the fundraising activities in the class began to planned, and a lot of words not yet spoken. He just gone quietly.

This was the first time I experienced the fragility and ruthlessness in life, life and death, it’s just between a turn. Ye Xixi keeps hugged me, her cold face pressed against mine, she said, “ Tianyi, Tianyi, if you want to cry then cry “.
But I never cried, I couldn’t fall sleep that night, Mother came to see me several times, I closed my eyes pretended to be asleep, Father also came to see me, Mother whispered to him, “ This child, don’t know why this day became so strange, ay !”
“ Don’t talk to her, it will better in a few days“ It’s still Father got better temper.

Downstairs Mother sighed again, which continued in the silent night.
They finally went out, closed the door, gave me quiet.

The singing on the next door balcony hadn’t sounded, I had been waiting, I haven’t heard Ling Xia’s singing for the past two days. I lay in the bed, opened my eyes and could see the stars in the middle of the day, the star were very cold, I didn’t know which one would illuminate Bowen’s soul. Assume that Father and Mother were already asleep, I got up and went to the balcony, and saw Ling Xia, who was stretching out on the balcony. Seeing me, he asked curiously, “ It’s already so late, why don’t you sleep?”

“ Can not sleep” I said.
“Ho ho “ He pretend to be elder in front of me, “ Half-grown child has a lot problems “
I walked closer, looked at him said it word by word, “ My boyfriend is gone “ I don’t know why, me at that time, can talk with the stranger.
He shocked and asked, “ What did you say?”
“ My boyfriend is gone “ I said, “ Today, leukemia. He was not eighteen year-old yet “
“ Tianyi,” He asked me seriously,” Is it true?”
“ Can this be a lie? “ I said, “ I really wish I’m lying “
“ Sorry, I don’t know what to say “ He said.
“ Why you don’t sing tonight?” I asked him.
“ Can’t sing anymore, just sang for more than three hours,” He said, “ Our band start to perform in the bar yesterday, so I’ll be back much later every night “
“ So unfortunate “ I said.
“ If there’s a chance you can come to hear me sing. Our band is very good.” Ling Xia took a name card from his pocket and give it to me , said “ The bar’s address is written here, very good place.”
“ Okay,” I kept the name card.
“ Go to sleep.” He waved at me and said, “ You’ll get better after sleep. “
“ Alright.” I said.
When I went back to bed and lying down, suddenly I heard the gentle sound of wooden guitar, the night is deep, Ling Xia did not sing, but he played a very beautiful song, I knew that this song was played for me, this kind person whom I met by chance, the song that played was peaceful and pleasant to hear, he knew what kind of comfort I needed at this time.

I finally fell asleep with grateful heart.

The next day, I woke up late. Mother’s company was far, and she went to work early in the morning. Father touched my forehead and said, “ What if you rest at home for a day, “
I nodded my head.
At noon, Mother called, she shouted at the other side of the phone, “ You really didn’t go to school? Grandmother, how sad are you need to be until it’s enough?”

I put down her phone, but I decided to go to school.
When I walked into the classroom, the whole classroom looked at me sympathetically. I remember the day Bowen went to England, they gave the same sympathetic look. I fell asleep at Old Ding’s class, but she didn’t scold me.
After school, Yu Feng stopped me at bike port said, “ Don’t ride the bike, I give you a ride, it’s on the way,”
“ No need,” I said.
Yu Feng pushed the bike back into the bike port, and said lightly, “ I promise Bowen to take care of you.”
“ Just let him take you.” Ye Xixi pulled me and said, “ He’s doesn’t feel good either. Moreover look at your condition, it is not suitable for cycling.”
I didn’t insist anymore.
I rode Yu Feng’s bike back home, and Mother waited at the door’s compound. When I saw her, I hurriedly jump down from the bike. Yu Feng called her aunt, and the bike turn around and rode away quickly.
Mother’s face was livid. Without saying a word take me home. Until the door closed, she gritted her teeth and said, “ Say, what exactly do you want?”
I didn’t want to argue with her, so I went to my own room.
But she grabbed me and asked me sharply, “ Say it, say it, what exactly do you want?!”
“ Don’t want anything. “ I said. “ Mom, can you not argue with me?”
“ Okay. So let’s sit down and talk nicely?” She finally low down.
“ Sorry, I don’t want to say anything right now. Please respect me, if you want to beat and scold me, how about in two days? “ After I said it, I turned around , went into my room and locked the door.
I didn’t go out for dinner, because I couldn’t eat anything. I hold the Diskman Bowen gave to me and daydreamed. I didn’t know either how much time I need to accept the fact that Bowen had already left.
Until 9 o’clock in the night, Uncle came. He lightly knocked my door and said, “ Tianyi, It’s Uncle, “
Uncle are seven years younger than Father, he’s born when Grandmother already old, and he is different from Father whose honest, Uncle is the pride of our family, he has good grades from childhood, after graduating from Tsinghua University he went abroad for 3 years, then returned to China to start his own company, less than a few years, the assets are tens of millions. My relationship with Uncle are good since I was a child, he has been helping me study from elementary, when I can’t solved questions he never scold me, but patiently teached me, never act like a general manager in front of me. There’s a time I showed him my composition , he read it out loud excitedly, praised me said, “ We have little Zhang Ailing in our home! Very good!”
“Open the door, Tianyi “ He keep knocking.
I opened the door. Uncle smiled to me, and strode in.
“ I don’t want to hear any advice,” I said, “ Let me be in peace for a while, “
“ I’ll take you go out eat something,” Uncle said, “ Your mother said you haven’t eat dinner,”
“Take me listen to music, “ I took name the card that Ling Xia gave to me yesterday night from under the pillow. I realized I missed his song,
only his singing could brought peace to my restless heart.
“Okay, “ Uncle very happy and said, “ Put on your coat, we’re going,”
I walked out of the room with Uncle, and the first thing I saw was my mother’s gaze, she looked at me worriedly, her daughter that become a stranger overnight, at dusk she still shout at my door, but now, the desperate sadnesshad made her lose all the courage to scold me.
“ Calm down, “ Uncle patted her shoulder,” I’ll take her out to eat something, I’ll send her home safely,” After he said, he dragged me downstairs. The moonlight shone brightly, and I realized his had a new car, looked very good.
As he started the car, he looked at the name card I given him and asked, “ Silk street BAR, have you been there?”
“No, “ I said,” I want to hear some songs, and I heard the band there is very good,”
“ Really? When I was younger, I also liked to hear songs,” Uncle said. “ At that time I listen to Qiqin and Tangchao, copying the lyrics in the notebook, haha,”
“ At that time you’re not studying everyday?” I said.
“ That’s a fake! “ Uncle grinned and said, “ It’s seem I deceived everyone. I’ve also courted two girls, you don’t know it at all “
“ Very crafty,” I said.
“ I know you’re sad “ Seeing my mood a bit better, he took the opportunity to advise me, “ Your mother said that you’re being ridiculous, I said that she didn’t understand you enough, your generation and my generation is completely different. But, you shouldn’t make her worried so much, she was about to cry when she called me. “
“ Bowen is my very special friend,” I said to Uncle,” You don’t understand.”
“I understand.” Uncle said, “ Believe me, after some time, you will recover.”

“ How come?” I leaned my head down and held back the tears, “ Are all adults so heartless like this?”
“ We just accept the cruel fate better than you do.” Uncle freed up a hand and give me a tissue said, “ Cry if you want to, I won’t laugh at you.”
“ I’m not crying.” I braced myself.
“ Tianyi, it will be better, believe me. One day, the sadness will turn to everlasting sweetness in your memory.” Uncle said lyrically, didn’t look like a science student at all.
He continued, “ Life is short, gathering and separating are impermanent, there’s a lot unwilling separations still need to be accepted, the most important thing is that you have to live well, live like yourself, do you understand?”
“ No,” I gave myself up.
Instead of getting angry, he turned to look at me and smiled. His smile reminds me of Bowen, if Bowen continued to live, he should be like Uncle, can do anything in his life and confident about anything, he got this ability, i don’t doubt it.
Unfortunately, Heaven jealous of talent.
I sighed.
Uncle said, “ Yesterday, you’re just a baby wrapped in sleeping bag, today already understood the impermanence of life, and learned to sigh. Isn’t the time amazingly fast?”
I hold my face in my palm and it’s became moist.

SilkStreet Bar located on a very lonely street. Uncle’s car circled several times before it found. The street seems empty and lonely, walking into bar is a completely different scene, with a confusing light, interlaced glasses, and lively music. Uncle and I found a relatively quiet place to sit down , Uncle asked me,” You often come to this place?”
“This is first time.” I said. My eyes stuck on the small stage, looking for a man named Ling Xia.
I recognized him, he was sitting in front of the microphone, playing the music seriously, Ling Xia whose played electric guitar very different with Ling Xia that played wooden guitar , I was captivated when he start to sing :

You write the blue dream as an ocean
Heavy luggage, unstopped footsteps
When the night wind slips down, you look at the stars
With the song, forgot about coldness and loneliness
Helpless friend, you’re walking on the road
Helpless friend, you look at the sky
Have you ever felt lonely in a place where you woke up from a dream?
You never thought you would be satisfied
Maybe you weren’t so lonely before
Maybe without hope you won’t be engulf in disappointment.
Hopeless friend, you are walking on the road
Hopeless friend, you look at the sky

I heard a deep affection and loneliness in Ling Xia’s singing. He and his band used his music to hit me, a painful and hopeless seventeen year-old. Unfortunately there were not many people in the place, and when I stood to give applause and waved my hands to greet Ling Xia, he saw me, smiled happily, and made a greeting gesture to me. But he didn’t have time to talk to me, and with the changing music, his second song already started :

Leave your shadow behind
Paint my color
Buried in time
Its just happiness
Pick up my coins
The forget about me
No one took me away
Like I never brought anything
Ho, I was just passing by…
Please don’t miss my smile, any of mine
Ho, I was just passing by…
Ho, I was just passing by…

During the interlude, Ling Xia suddenly said, “ This song is for the beautiful girl Tianyi, those who pass already passed by, what remains should be cherished.”

“Oh, “ Uncle suddenly realized and said, “ You’re knew each other.”
“ Neighbor,” I said. “ He just moved in.”
“ The song is nice, worth listening to.” Uncle said.
“I heard his singing on the balcony, and I don’t know why, I loved listening to him singing. I felt calm everytime I heard him singing.”
“There’s no reason for like it.” Uncle took a sip of beer and said, “ Do you mind talk about that boy named Bowen?”

I knew he was a spy my mother sent, but I was willing to talk about Bowen in this environment and mood, and I said, “ We were very good, when we were first year, we were together everyday. “
“ Your mother couldn’t accept the term ‘boyfriend’ and she was very angry.”
“Oh, I didn’t accept it myself too, he went to England in second year, and in the past year, there wasn’t a day I didn’t hate him. I even doubt the whole world because of it, you know? But now he’s gone, never coming back, if you’re experienced it yourself, you wouldn’t understand this kind of pain. I knew my mom sad, but things already like this, I couldn’t care about her feelings.”
“Those who pass by already passed, what remains should be cherished. “ Uncle said. “ Didn’t you just hear the boy said just now? Your mother love you so much, and it is your fault that she is sad.”
“ Okay,” I said.” When I’m back I apologized to her.”
“Very sensible ,oh. “ Uncle pushed the sandwich in front of me and said, “ Give me some face and eat something?”
When I was biting the sandwich Ling Xia came down from the stage, he pulled the chair beside me and sat down said, “ I didn’t think you came to my place so soon, ah! How is it, is your mood getting better?”
“ It’s okay, thankyou.” Seeing him staring at Uncle , I quickly introduced said, “ This is my Uncle. Need to thank him for bring me here tonight, this place hard to find.”
Ling Xia smiled and stretched out his hand towards Uncle, said, “ Mr Xia, hello!”
“ Oh,” Uncle shook hand with him, “ I didn’t know I’m famous.”
“ I have a lyric : the world is small, we always meet in a narrow way.” Ling Xia smiled and said, “ Moreover you are a bigshot in our city, the leader of private enterprises, and solved dozens of laid-off employees in the city every year.”
“ Ha ha ha, “ Uncle laughed and said, “ You’re a journalist?”
“ No,” Ling Xia said. “ A small staff, just enough to eat.”
“ One skill, walk all over the world.” Uncle made a gesture of playing guitar with his hand and said, “ Just depend on this, your meal should be very good.”
“ Thank for Mr Xia’s statement.” Ling Xia stood up and said, “ I’m going to sing, Tianyi what do you want to hear?”

I said without hesitation, “Have I ever told you love is my unchanging beliefs?
Have I ever told you love is put someone in the heart forever?”
“ I just knew it.” Ling Xia said. “ You are really a girl who stick to the end! But it’s also good, people like you are not easy to jump ship.”
After he said, he winked at us and went back to the stage.
When he sing the song, I just realized that the song title was so sad, called “ Leaving “.