Reincarnated as an AXE!

"Master, they’re gaining on us!” Seras called out, as the auto-carriage shook once more.

The sturdily built machine had been designed for safe exploration through differing kinds of hostile environments and could even resist attacks from C-grade monsters and below. But even it couldn’t handle the repeated punishment of relentless, directed spell casting from multiple mages.

Damn these maniacs! They won’t stop until we’re all dead!

Just as that unhappy thought finished completing itself, another fireball came smashing into the auto-carriage, and this one was so powerful that it broke through their shield screen entirely. Smoke began filling the interior of the vehicle as it burst into flame.

“Master!” Seras cried in panic.

“Calm yourself Seras, we’ll soon be there,” replied Julia Victus, Seras’ master, and a famed wandering Free Knight of the Eun Malum sisterhood. Her voice was calm to the point of sounding mellow, as though she were as disinterested as could be in their growing plight. As always, Seras felt amazed at her master’s unshakable poise in a crisis. Does anything ever get to her? she wondered.

Seras was a wildly talented driver, and despite the fear coursing through her, her skills allowed her to confuse and outmaneuver their pursuers and gained them a brief respite from their assault.

Soon, a pathway leading to the entrance of a large country manor appeared on their screen. They were still some distance away, but Seras exalted at the sight of it! We did it! We did! Safety at last! She sang inwardly, before hailing the house to beseech entry.

“Lange estate! Lange estate! My name is Seras Victus, I am apprenticed to the Eun Malum sisterhood! We have with us a priority passenger, but we are under dire assault! Please provide us sanctuary! Lange estate, I beseech you, please provide us sanctuary! Hello? Hello? Please answer!”

Seras slammed her hands against the radio in frustration. “Damn it! Master they’re not answering! Why won’t they respond?”

“Giving into anger won’t provide us with the answers we seek, Seras,” Julia replied. “Whatever the reason, it’s past time we disembarked.”

Something screamed inside the carriage's motor, and this time its forward momentum ceased completely.

“All right, I’ll admit that’s concerning,” Julia chuckled to herself.

"You think?" replied Seras with much snark.

Julia turned to the side and tapped her knuckles against a slotted door behind her. When the slot opened, she addressed a small figure huddled fearfully in the back of the carriage.

“Lady Nicollet. We’ll be making the rest of the journey on foot. We’re but a short distance away.”

A young teenaged girl with frizzled brown hair, no older than fifteen, looked towards her anxiously; “Have you spoken with my aunt? Is Aunt Ardale there?”

“I don’t know, my lady. We’ve attempted to make contact but received no reply.”

“Try it again! Aunt Ardale must be there! She can easily deal with those people and then we’ll be safe!”

“I’ve no doubt that your aunt is a formidable warrior, Lady Nicollet, but we can’t stay out here and await her rescue. It’s less than ten minutes by foot to the main entryway. We have to leave now.”

“I can’t! Please, I’m afraid!” the girl mewled.

“Don’t ever let fear prevent you from doing what must be done,” Juliet told her. “Seras and I will protect you with our lives. But there are two of us and many of them. Trying to defend this coach will leave us at a severe disadvantage.”

“I said I don’t want to go! You have to listen to me, I said no!”

Julia sighed inwardly. At this moment in time, Nicollet Langier was perhaps the most important person on the entire continent. Her survival could mean the prevention of a devastating war that would lead to the pointless deaths of thousands. Perhaps millions. Protecting her life was paramount and a cause worth dying for.

But by the pinnacle, she could be such an unruly, annoying little brat.

“Seras, escort the lady to the manor gate. I’ll stay behind to distract our pursuers.”

“Master?” Seras asked, deep concern now etched into her youthful face. Juliet couldn’t help but smile.

“You know how much I disdain heroics, apprentice. I’ll catch up to you after I’ve led them on a merry chase. In the meanwhile, get Lady Nicollet to safety. You know the importance of this.”

Seras gulped and nodded. Was she really eighteen now? Julia wondered. Had they been together for eleven whole years? Time was an incredible thing. Sometimes it seemed that everyone was burdened with too much of it. But then it seemed like there was never enough.

“Seras, you are strong. If you believed in yourself a tenth as much as I did, you’d be a veritable goddess of war. The girl will be safe with you. And I will return to your side. Believe in me.”

“Yes…Yes, master! She’ll be safe and I’ll be waiting!”

“Good girl.”

__

Woooo, look at that death flag fly!

Seriously, that lady couldn’t be any more obvious a goner than if she had the words “Doomed Parental Figure” tattooed on her forehead in bright red ink! Remember Trask from KOTOR? I am totally picking up Trask vibes! She seems cool but she clearly has no awareness of tropes! Tropes are the Death Star of fantasy storytelling! Once they have you locked down, you’re outta there!

Honestly, with an attitude as carefree as hers, Julia should go eat some Uncle Ben’s rice with her nephew Peter! She should also go plant crops on the Kent farm! On her way back home, she could even take a quick shortcut through crime alley! What’s the worst that could happen?

Oh, hey everyone, it’s me! Everyone’s favorite axe now freshly returned from his brief sojourn to the realms beyond reality! Big news! I have magic now!

I also made an awesome new friend who was kind of into me, although I also think she now wants to kill me, but that’s not really my fault, I totally have to lay the blame for that on my previous incarnation who’s sort of a complete dick to others for no reason!

Anyway, just checking in. I don’t actually put in an appearance until later on, but I just couldn’t resist a little commentary. See you soon!

__

“Nooo, nooo!” Nicollet sobbed as Seras pulled her forward down the estate path. “I told her I didn’t want to walk! That bitch, that stupid bitch, why didn’t she listen to me!”

“My lady, Master Julia is risking her life to ensure we reach your aunt’s home. Please refrain from speaking of her in that manner,” Seras said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t care! She’s going to be in so much trouble for this! I’m a Langier! I’m the Count’s daughter! She’ll be punished for this, I don’t care how famous a knight she is, my daddy is the strongest man in the world—”

“And yet, it’s your aunt you’re turning to for protection,” Seras noted.

“Only because Daddy is too far away to be reached! If he knew what was happening, he’d come thundering in and smite all those stupid, stupid people! You worthless Eun Malum included!”

“And yet, here we are, the only ones preventing you from suffering an ignoble ending at the end of their daggers. One would almost think a little gratitude would be called for.”

“Don’t tell me how to feel, you up jumped commoner trash! You sound like some potato farmer from the western boonies! What kind of a knight are you supposed to be?”

“The kind that is sorely tempted to leave your stupid ass behind to die!” is what Seras envisioned herself saying before slapping the bratty little toad into next week.

Instead, she took a deep breath and calmed herself before saying, “Shows what you know! My family grew corn too!”

“Like I give a shit!” the gracious Lady Nicollet Superbia Langier said contemptuously.

__

It took far too long for her opponents to arrive. Julia was annoyed by that. She put forth a good image of patience for others to admire, but she in fact hated being made to wait for other people. It was the struggle of her life. She’d be ready to go, others wouldn’t be, and she would have to wait.

It happened all the time.

And now it appeared that these war-seeking imperialist swine seemed to value their time even less than Julia’s friends. Why was everyone always so damn slow?

Julia stood beside her damaged auto-carriage, leaning against the side of it as their own vehicles finally pulled up. Out piled a large group of warriors bearing open steel, and sorcerers crackling with elemental energy, pointing their hands at her. At their head stood a large, heavily muscle man in black armor, with a shaven head. His scarred face scowled at the sight of Julia; his eyes blazed with the intensity of his anger towards her.

“I told you!” he said. “I said you wouldn’t get away from me, you crazy bitch! Tell me where the girl is!”

“No need to shout, Denard,” Julia replied calmly. “It’s hard to have a discussion with someone if you’re just going to fly off the handle from the start.”

“We’re not having a discussion, Julia! You’re surrendering! Now tell me where Nicollet Langier is, if you know what's good for you!”

“Well, I just can’t do that. Lady Nicollet values her privacy and doesn’t wish to be disturbed.”

“FUCK this!” Denard screamed. “Fan out and find them, they’re probably trying to find entry into Lange’s residence. I’ll deal with this idiot and catch up to you!”

“My apologies, lads, but no one’s going anywhere,” Julia said regretfully. She then made a quick gesture with her hand. An enemy sorcerer felt a slight uptick in the wind, realized what was about to happen and then screamed a warning. “SCATTER! TORNADO STRIKE—

Too late for all of them.

Julia did not like using [Tornado Strike]. She especially did not like ambushing people with it. Men should die cleaner deaths than that. But when you’re outnumbered, you did what you could to even the odds. And anyway, they had only themselves to blame. They gave her far too much time to build up the spell.

“Well, that was easier than I imagined it would be,” Julia smirked as the dust and debris began to settle.

“MURDERER!” Denard howled furiously as he smashed into her, his chest now bare due to his armor being destroyed; his face was covered in bleeding welts, but otherwise he was unharmed.

Unharmed even though he’d stood dead center in the [Tornado Strike]! Julia had just enough time to feel her eyes widen in amazement at the sight of him before he collided with her and sent her soaring through the air.

Damn bastard is always so durable! Julia thought to herself angrily, and then she desperately rolled away as he brought a heavy foot stomping down where her head had been.

It seemed she'd been playing this game with Denard for ages. Across multiple towns and cities and two entire continents, he'd relentlessly pursued her. Not only did he never give up, he also refused to die! It would have been admirable if it weren't so exasperating!

“You should have just given me the girl!” Denard roared. “Why do you stupid little people always do things like this? I said I wasn’t going to kill you! Some of the men you just killed were my friends, you psycho! Who does shit like that?”

“Is there anything worse than a murderer playing at being a victim?” Juliet asked him, before lashing out with her Mithril daggers. To her surprise, she couldn’t penetrate his skin! As hard as she stabbed at him, the points simply slid away on contact, barely scratching him.

“I’m the murderer?” Denard raged. “You kidnapped the Count’s daughter! You’ve carved up dozens of honest soldiers sent to rescue her! You just wiped out an entire squad and tried to kill me with them! You are utterly disconnected from reality, and I am sick of your shit!”

“Denard, you don’t even understand what’s going on—”

“I don’t care! This pursuit has gone on long enough! Just give up already!”

“Sorry big man, but surrender isn’t in the Eun Malum codex.”

“You’re dying over nothing!”

“Says the lapdog of the conspiracy!”

“Can you hear yourself? What are you even talking about?!”

Julia lashed out with [Wind Strike]. It was a powerful spell that should have lifted Denard off his feet and sent him flying away. Instead, he planted his feet and braced himself against it, and was merely pushed back a half meter. Damn it! Why is he so strong?

Julia decided it was time to fall back. Once more, Denard had proven to be an opponent beyond her skills. It was a frustrating thing to admit, but that was life. When you can win, you should win. When you had to retreat, you should retreat. Stubbornness didn’t get you anything.

Using [Grace of the Wind] , she turned and fled. She dearly hoped the defenses Ardale Lange’s home possessed would be enough to keep Denard repelled. Otherwise, things weren’t looking too well. Oh, well.Looks like I’ll catch up to Seras sooner than I thought I would. Heh, won’t she be relieved—

Lights. Heat. Force. PAIN.

When Julia came too, she realized her right ankle had been shattered and her ribs had been broken. She looked around in a daze, then realized what had happened.

The bald bastard threw my auto-carriage at me. HE THREW THE WHOLE DAMN THING. Oh, that’s just ridiculous!

“Stay down, I’ll have a medic summoned for you,” Denard said, as he walked towards her.

Julia coughed painfully and felt blood speckle her lips. “Oh, no need. I feel fresh as a daisy, Denard.”

“Just shut up and stay still! Damn it, why did you have to escalate things like this?”

“Ask your masters if you’re not afraid to find out,” Julia burbled in reply.

“Enough conspiracies! Too many people have died already. Fuck, Julia, you were a hero! Look at you now. And I have to be the one to have done this to you! I fucking hate this.”

Julia laughed as she slowly clambered to her feet. “God, Denard, I did just try to kill you. It’s okay not to feel bad about things ending up this way.”

“Well, I fucking do, okay? I don’t like hurting anyone. It’s so fucking easy too, you people are all like glass.”

“Eh, I really could do with some of that giant’s blood of yours myself, right about now,” Julia chortled. “Oh, well. Let’s get this finished.”

Denard's frown grew even deeper, which really ought to have been impossible. “Just stop it! I’ll have the girl within the hour. It’s all over. Sit there and wait for treatment.”

“Denard, you really are too nice for this line of work,” Julia said. “If I let you take me in, I’ll be tortured and worse. Ah, don’t say of course I won’t. That’s just ignorance on your part. I’ve impeded your masters for years and for that, they’ll make me suffer in ways I can’t describe. It’s for the best if my story ends right here.”

She raised her remaining dagger and ignoring the agony in her ankle, she took a ready stance.

“Sit down, Julia!” Denard ordered. “Sit the fuck down!”

“Your eyes are as vulnerable as those of anyone else, Denard. I’m going to poke them out.”

“No, they aren’t! Others have tried before!”

“But I’ll succeed where they failed! Are you ready to spend the rest of your life in blindness?”

“Julia please, just sit down!”

“Can’t. Won’t. Here I come!”

“SIT! I TOLD YOU TO SIT—

Julia came at him, her dagger aimed directly for his eye, just as she said it would be. Before it could connect, Denard’s fist pushed through her chest, and destroyed her heart. She was dead instantly. Denard caught her body before it fell and held it sadly as her life’s blood poured away.

“Damn it. Damn you for making me do that,” he said sadly.

__

I didn’t know axes could get headaches. Did you?

Gosh, when I woke up that night, I felt stiff! It was the complete opposite of restful sleep! It was more like arrested sleep, you know?

Where was I at, anyway? Gosh, it sure was dusty! All the furnishings had cloth coverings on them. As for me, I was hanging from a mantle, placed directly over a fireplace. What? Looking from side to side, I saw similar weapons being displayed on the wall. What in the name of the Frito Burrito was going on here?

Someone had claimed my unconscious axe body and made me…a trophy!

Honestly, it felt pretty flattering.

I mean, gosh, it’s nice to be admired! I could imagine lots of posh, nicely dressed people sipping their fizzy, expensive drinks while discussing how great I am.

“I do say, Duffy. This particular axe does in fact exude a tremendous amount of shall we say, ass-kicking splendor? Does it not completely rock to you?”

“Indeed, Prescott! Truly this weapon is beyond the beyond! The sort of magnificent axe we should be pleased to sacrifice a roasted beast to, in order to appease its appetite and avoid its wrath!”

“I agree, old boy! We should also offer it many temple prostitutes to slake its lust for the flesh of the beautiful!”

“Does that include men?”

“I think it would be genuinely flattered by the attention but I’m picking up an aura that would indicate that it doesn’t sleep with dudes.”

“Well, it might. I mean, it’s an axe. No gender, really.”

“Yes, but axes are very phallic weapons, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Not as much as swords are! Swords are just steel dicks with pommels!”

“Hmm, it’s a very complicated situation, isn’t it? You know, just to be safe and to avoid offending anyone, let’s not have any prostitutes at all.”

“I think you’re right. That’s a good, sensible decision.”

Awwww!

Hey, Libby? Where am I?

Libby? Liiiiiibby? Libby, would you please answer?

Are you referring to me?

I am!

Why are you calling me “Libby?” I’m your appraisal screen.

Aestas said your real name was Liberomnus.

That’s actually the name of the device that I am. It indicates my function, not my name—

Yeah, well, Liberomnus just sounds unwieldy, doesn’t it? I’m going to call you Libby from now on! Do you like it?

Do I have a choice?

I feel uncomfortable dictating absolutes as an answer.

In that case, I suppose I’m “Libby” from now on. Oh. Joy.

Great! Now, Libby, where am I?

It would appear that you are currently located at an estate belonging to one Ardale Lange.

Do we know that name? I want to say it sounds familiar…but I also want to say that Coke Zero tastes nothing like regular coke.

Yes, you should know that name. Ardale Lange was the half-elf woman we encountered shortly before you received your imbuement of Earth magic.

Oh, right! Wow, she’s a half-elf? Half-elves are hot!

I suppose.

We must have been unconscious for a good long while, huh? If Lange could catch us and transport us all the way to her fancy house, we must have been out cold for days!

Oh. Yeah. Days.

Libby, why are you saying that in a way that makes it seem like I just said something dumb?

I didn’t! You didn’t! No, you’refiiiiiine.

How long were we out?

A little under eleven years.

WHAT?!