Unspeakable

When Tang Xiu opened the door of the ward, Gu Yansheng was wiping Shen Kanyu’s face and neck with a warm towel.

Tang Xiu came over and stretched out his hand to try the temperature on Shen Kanyu’s forehead. Gu Yansheng didn’t lift his eyelids and directly stopped his claws in the air.

“What are you doing? I’m checking if it’s still burning.” Tang Xiu originally wanted to swear, but he was afraid of waking Shen Kanyu. He could only lower his voice and glared at Gu Yansheng viciously.

“No more fever,” Gu Yansheng said softly, “just put him to sleep, don’t wake him up.”

“… Oh,” Tang Xiu felt aggrieved, thinking that he had just wiped Shen Kanyu’s body with a wet towel but he didn’t wake up while on the other hand just wanted to check his temperature and yet he could wake him up? He could just tell him he doesn’t want him to touch Shen Kanyu as he was raising him as an expensive koi.

“When you’re done, let’s talk.”

Gu Yansheng frowned: “Can’t you say it here?”

“No, get over here.”

Gu Yansheng reluctantly got up: “Then you hurry up.”

When the two arrived on the balcony, Tang Xiu opened the door and said.

“I found out what kind of surgery Xiaoyu had. Liver transplant, partial liver removal, transplant to his father.”

Gu Yansheng stifled his chest and opened his mouth without saying anything.

“During the preoperative examination, he was found to have heart disease, severe anemia, and low blood pressure. Normally, organ transplantation is not allowed, but he and his family insist on it.”

Gu Yansheng’s face was livid, as he silently listened to Tang Xiu, and then slowly spit out a few words from his mouth: “his family, also insist?”

“En.”

Tang Xiu frowned and was silent for a while probably because he thought what he was going to say next was unbelievably exaggerated.

“I look at the records in the system. He bought a lot of nutrient solutions and syringes before the operation. It’s estimated that he was uncomfortable and couldn’t eat anything. For fear of affecting the operation, he bought these things and took them home to use them by himself… If he couldn’t eat anything, he couldn’t hold it. Nutrient solutions are lethal and not supplements. So when he operated, his cardiovascular function was abnormally weak, and his heart even stopped in the middle—”

Tang Xiu looked up at Gu Yansheng and said through gritted teeth.

“Gu Yansheng, you are like an immoral and incompetent pig, I really don’t understand why God is so good to you and leaving Xiayo in your rotten care. Do you know how hard it was for the Xiaoyu to survive and persevere until now? I sent him to the hospital on the day of the reception, he had a reopened incision and kept coughing up blood, the pain was so bad that his whole body was convulsing, he kept telling me to leave him alone he just wanted to sleep, but when I told to him that A’sheng is still waiting for you, he never said that again, and endured all the pain that the doctor even asked me what I did that he obediently cooperate.”

“Look, he listens to everything you say. If you let him survive, he will survive. If you let him go home, he will go home. If you let him go, he will go away. The young master can do whatever he wants but have you ever thought that it will be very hard for him? You just do whatever you want just because he always listens to you without saying a word?”

Tang Xiu sneered: “Young master Gu, do you feel fulfilled bullying Xiaoyu who can’t speak?”

Gu Yansheng has long turned his back to Tang Xiu, both hands have been clasped tightly on the balcony railing, veins bulging, knuckles white.

He stood there listening to Tang Xiu to finish, the whole person was petrified, not saying a word nor did he move, but when facing Tang Xiu again, his face was pale and his eyes were red.

He didn’t respond and refute Tang Xiu’s scolding, but asked in a hoarse voice, “why can’t he eat? Do you know?”

Shen Kanyu still can’t do without nutrient injection until now. The little porridge he ate when he just woke up was vomited out by him in a daze not long after. After that, he basically vomited whatever he ate. When it was serious, he would choke out when drinking water.

Tang Xiu didn’t expect that he would ask this. He was stunned for a moment and swallowed his lecture. He hesitated and confirmed, “can’t eat anything? Can’t he eat anything? Can’t he eat porridge, noodles, fruit?”

Gu Yansheng nodded: “He vomited right after eating. Is it because his pregnant?”

“No… how long is he been pregnant, these symptoms should not occur yet in early pregnancy.”

Tang Xiu thought with a frown.

“I peeled an orange for him to eat, and he ate very happily. Before, Zhen Zhen also fed him half a bowl of noodles, and his appetite looked good, and he didn’t vomit.”

Gu Yansheng frowned and listened, and his eyes gradually lost doubt, replaced by gloom.

He understood.

Tang Xiu peeled oranges for Shen Kanyu, and Tang Zhen fed him noodles. He could eat them, and he didn’t vomit, because he was not there at that time.

Shen Kanyu just couldn’t eat in front of him.

Gu Yansheng remembered though he didn’t know how long ago it was. Since he casually said “I feel sick when I see you” at the table, it seemed that he had never seen Shen Kanyu eating at the table again. Originally, when eating at the same table, what he cooked was not the amount for two people. He always cheerfully mixed vegetables for him and helped him stir the hot soup to a temperature suitable to eat. There were shelled foods such as shrimp and crab, which he would peel with special tools, put the raw meat in a clean bowl and give it to him. When he finished eating, he would eat some of his remaining dishes, and then hurried to wash the dishes before he rushes to do a live broadcast.

Later, after he said that, Shen Kanyu never eat again at the table. Every day he would prepare food and serve it on the table, while waiting for him to finish eating he would do housework then come over to clean up and would then ask him with a smile.

Is it delicious? Are you full?

He never responds to him, but he would still ask him every time.

He never even saw him eat normally again. He didn’t know what he ate every day that he had so much strength to keep busy all day.

Until Shen Kanyu left the house, he went into his bedroom again and found a box of instant porridge that hadn’t been eaten under the bed, as well as a small box of radishes, exactly the same as what he ate when he ran down to the hospital with that back injury. He went online to check the price of these things, fifty yuan a box, and he could eat it for ten days to half a month.

Fifty yuan may not be enough for Shen Kanyu to buy fresh fruit for him and Tian Tian every day.

Gu Yansheng sometimes accompanies him to the supermarket. He always blames him for spending money recklessly as he always buys expensive imported things and doesn’t listen to what he says. He always says that “you don’t understand A’sheng. It’s worth it.”

What was worth it? It was worth it for Gu Yansheng and Gu Yutian.

Shen Kanyu could have eaten some of the warm meals cooked with fresh and expensive ingredients, but he never ate them again because of his casual angry words, which led to today’s situation. He could not eat normally in front of him because of too much psychological pressure.

Shen Kanyu was not the kind of person who put a grudge, he was just really afraid that Gu Yansheng would be unable to eat because of his existence.

He just loves him clumsily and carefully in his way.

Hearing Gu Yansheng’s explanation as to why Shen Kanyu was like this, Tang Xiu felt headache and a toothache and even wanted to take out a cigarette to smoke—sadly he didn’t even know how to smoke, and was even more uncomfortable.

This was some kind of crap.

Tang Xiu was full of swearing words, but he was too lazy to scold him. After pressing his temple for a while, he slowly said.

“Every time someone approaches him and makes more urgent actions, Xiaoyu reacts violently, thinking that the person wants to hit him. I suspect this is a symptom of PTSD.”

Gu Yansheng didn’t know what PTSD was, but his heart sank for no reason.

“PTSD is a post-traumatic stress disorder. The inducement is a major traumatic event, such as witnessing others or themselves injured, or even suffering death threats, which leads to a mental disorder, “

Tang Xiu said while constantly recalling Shen Kanyu’s various conditions, and the more he felt that the symptoms were consistent.

“Common symptoms include serious emotional reaction, repeated recurrence of traumatic scenes in dreams, anxiety, excessive alertness, and startling reaction… “

Gu Yansheng swallowed the bitterness in his throat with difficulty: “so it’s because of me…?”

Tang Xiu rolled his eyes and slapped him on the forehead: “did you listen to me carefully? Major traumatic event! Injury! Death threat! What you did is just a meal, is that a major trauma?”

Gu Yansheng said blankly, “So?”

“Some conditions of Xiaoyu are unique to PTSD in children, so it is likely that some major trauma in childhood is the fundamental inducement.”

“Childhood?” Gu Yansheng immediately remembered that Shen Kanyu had said before that he had been kicked to the ground by his biological father when he was ill.

“From what he said, being beaten to the extreme as a child was something ordinary.” Gu Yansheng almost squeezed these words out of his teeth.

Tang Xiu sneered, “But he didn’t run away. It’s not surprising that he had heart disease and would be beaten to death when he was a child, regardless of his parents who begged for a liver.”

“En.”

Gu Yansheng gritted his teeth, turned his head to look at Shen Kanyu who was still sleeping in the ward, there was no expression on his face, but his were clenched into fist and his nails had dug into his palm.

“Don’t look like you want to eat people. Aren’t you a demon yourself?” Tang Xiu stared at Gu Yansheng and said.

“Tell me, did you hit him?”

Gu Yansheng’s eyes flickered for a moment, his eyes dropped to avoid Tang Xiu’s gaze, and his fists were clenched tighter.

The answer was self-evident.

Tang Xiu’s eyes were suddenly cold: “when and why did you hit him?”

Gu Yansheng said in an sour voice: “When I was in school… I often fought with him…”

“Fought with him? He would beat you up?”

Gu Yansheng was speechless.

Even though it was a so-called “fight” with Shen Kanyu when he was young, Shen Kanyu never hit him, but would only curl up and protect himself, block him a few times occasionally, and then say with a smiley face that it’s okay.

“Come on, you’ll be happy after playing. If you’re happy, smile, and don’t be angry again, okay.”

At that time, Gu Yansheng thought he was provoking him to anger him, so every time he did this he couldn’t help but get angrier making his fist and feet heavier and beating him until he was covered in bruises before he stopped.

When he stopped, Shen Kanyu would get up from the ground, went to the milk tea shop to buy his favorite tea, poked a straw and handed it to him, smiled and said that since the fight was over, he should drink a cup of tea to calm the fire.

Gu Yansheng knocked over that cup of tea most of the time.

Shen Kanyu would always be stunned for a moment, then scratched his head and muttered in some confusion: Why are you still angry? Every time my father hits me, I get less angry.

Gu Yansheng felt that such words were inexplicable, so he called him crazy.

Shen Kanyu looked up at him and said softly: A’sheng can you not call me crazy? I’m not sick.

Which Gu Yansheng would reply that if he was not crazy, he shouldn’t follow him anymore.

Shen Kanyu would hurriedly agree that he was crazy with tears coming out of his eyes.

In fact, Shen Kanyu was really ill. He was already ill when he was still a child.

It was Gu Yansheng who made him sicker and sicker, and later even hit him when he was pregnant, although it was just a slap, but it was in public, and it was for Su Tong’s sake.

After that slap, Gu Yansheng went home to pack up and prepare to move out.

Shen Kanyu saw him go home and immediately ran into the kitchen to prepare ingredients and wanted to cook for him, but he was only halfway through the preparation when he saw Gu Yansheng dragging his suitcase to the door.

He held his heavy stomach and hurriedly ran out to stop him—six months’ belly was not really big but he was too thin so it was extra hard.

Gu Yansheng didn’t understand this. He just felt that his pale face and hard breathing were all fake.

Because the way he smiles was exactly the same as before, which was annoying.

He said with a smile, “A’sheng, you’re home. Have a meal before you leave.”

Gu Yansheng didn’t even look at him and said sarcastically.

“A place where you are is not a home at all.”

The smile on Shen Kanyu’s face disappeared, his eyes reddened, and hissed like how he splashed in the studio that day: “So home is where Su Tong is?!”

Gu Yansheng didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He turned his head and twist the doorknob. He rushed over and grabbed his arm, forcing him to give him an answer.

“A’sheng, answer me! I like you so much, you can’t do this!!”

Gu Yansheng looked at him coldly, and said almost word by word: “do you want to make such a scene? That slap wasn’t enough?”

Shen Kanyu’s pale face, instantly quiet down, and let go of him, standing in place and mumbling the sentence: “I really like you, you don’t do this to me.”

Gu Yansheng slammed the door heavily.

Not long after that, when Shen Kanyu was less than eight months pregnant, Gu Yutian was born. A six-pound baby was as big as a palm, he was born six hours after entering the delivery room.

Many times, Gu Yansheng felt guilty and asked him why the child was premature and what happened when he wasn’t home.

Shen Kanyu shook his head and refused to say a word. He only said that it was his fault that the baby was born prematurely.

“Ah Sheng, if you are not happy, hit me. I’m sorry.”

Gu Yansheng apologized for that slap, but Shen Kanyu shook his head and said that it was not his (Gu Yansheng) fault, it was his (Shen Kanyu) fault, and he really deserve the slap.

Gu Yansheng then explained that he left home for business, not that he didn’t want to see him again. Shen Kanyu continued to shake his head and said it was all right. Saying he knows Gu Yansheng has to leave sooner or later.

At that time, Shen Kanyu was not as trembling as he was now, but the damage was already very deep.

And now he was covered with bruises.

Gu Yansheng felt a special pain in his heart, the pain made him muddled, a little at loss, thinking that maybe it would be better for him to leave him by himself, as he was just pushing Shen Kanyu to the abyss step by step. And yet now he thinks that he could still drag him back, wasn’t it just a fool’s dream?

For his suspicion, Tang Xiu scolded him on the spot. He couldn’t remember what Tang Xiu said but he knew Tang Xiu was right.

Later, Tang Xiu said to him, that Gu Yansheng was Xiaoyu’s sea.

A fish covered with wounds would definitely hurt when it comes into contact with the sea, but it would slowly recover only in the arms of the sea. If it leaves the sea, the fish would lose its hope.

If this was the case then—if he really has a chance.

He wants to be a sea that only keeps this fish all his life.

***

Kanyu also means fish