Unspeakable

After dealing with a mess, Tang Xiu returned to Shen Kanyu’s ward and saw Gu Yansheng sitting on the bench in the corridor in a daze.

He walked over and patted him on the shoulder. Gu Yansheng raised his head and smiled reluctantly at him.

Tang Xiu sat down beside him.

“How’s the Xiaoyu?”

Gu Yansheng said hoarsely, “He’s all right, and is sleeping now.”

Tang Xiu hesitated for a while and asked, “What about yumiao?”

(yumiao- newly hatched fish, here it is used as a nickname for the unborn child)

“… it’s okay.”

Tang Xiu breathed a sigh of relief, leaned back on the chair, and closed his eyes wearily.

“This little yumiao is really sturdy, like a king kong gourd, so I will name it gourd king kong.”

Gu Yansheng pressed the center of his eyebrows and said in a sour voice.

“I really hope the child’s life is not so sturdy. If it’s gone, it’s gone.”

Tang Xiu opened his eyes and kicked him: “what nonsense are you talking about here? Who said that no matter who the child is, you’ll keep it?”

Gu Yansheng groaned bitterly, bent down, and rubbed the place where he had been kicked a few times, muttering, “but he is in so much pain.”

Tang Xiu was stunned, and then saw Gu Yansheng’s reddened eyes, and felt a little guilty about the kick just now.

“The kicked does not hurt that much but I couldn’t help shouting.”

Gu Yansheng lowered his gaze and looked at the blood from Shen Kanyu’s body stained on his pants.

“He never cried out in pain, not a sound. Sometimes when I sat beside him and I don’t even know he was in pain.”

He did not say a word until he found that he had been in pain and was sweating profusely from pain, his lips were bitten, and the sheet was also crumpled, but he just raised his sleeve to wipe off the sweat on his face, looked up and smiled at him, said.

“A’sheng I’m a little hot”.

Obviously, he was extremely afraid of the cold.

In the early winter, the weather was especially cold, so he asked a nurse to add a quilt and covered Shen Kanyu with two quilts. He was huddled in a ball under the quilt but his hands and feet were still cold and would tremble from time to time, but he refused to let Gu Yansheng touch him. When he was alone, he would run out to buy a hot water bag to warm his hands and stomach.

Undoubtedly, he was afraid of the cold and doesn’t want to let go of the water bag but seeing Gu Yansheng rubbing his hands for warmth, he would still hold the hot water bag with both hands to him, flatteringly saying that A’sheng should hold it since it was very warm and he hasn’t used the water bag for a long time so it wasn’t dirty at all.

He always treats him well without reservation, but he was unwilling to rely on him unreservedly.

“By the way,” Gu Yansheng’s hoarse voice with a touch of fatigue, “did you tell him that he was pregnant?”

Tang Xiu said, “no, you didn’t let me talk before. Besides, his mental state is too bad, and I’m afraid that the child will put more pressure on him. But when I asked the nurse to send him to the obstetrics department, he should have heard it.”

“No.” Gu Yansheng shook his head with a white face.

Tang Xiu didn’t understand, “what is it?”

“He knew it before you said to send him to the obstetrics department. He had been holding my sleeve and wanted to talk, but he was in too much pain to say it. I was flustered and didn’t understand what he was trying to say. Now when I think of it, he was talking about the child.”

Tang Xiu’s brain went blank for a moment, and he was a little suspicious: “no, no one told him even that the little nurses who took care of him, I especially told them not to tell him.”

“Then he should… heard what we said.” Gu Yansheng said slowly and with difficulty. “Before today, the two of us only discussed the child once.”

“…… crap,” Tang Xiu felt himself struck by lightning, “is that the time I told you he was pregnant, and you said the child is not yours, and it was Jiang Mo’s?”

Gu Yansheng nodded, buried his face in his palm, and said with some pain.

“Just now when he entered the operating room while holding my hand saying that the child is mine, begging me to save the child. Maybe the child is really mine, maybe it’s really like you said that I was too drank and did something I shouldn’t do… If it’s true, he must be sick to death when he heard me say those words.”

Tang Xiu listened to Gu Yansheng who sounded as if he was about to cry. He immediately sat up straight and hugged his shoulder to comfort him in a warm voice.

“Don’t cry, don’t cry. Yumiao and Xiaoyu are both fine, everything is fine and the past is over. Just apologize to him and you’ll be fine, huh?”

“I’m not crying.” Gu Yansheng denied his words stiffly, but his eyes were red.

“Okay, okay, okay, you didn’t cry, you didn’t cry, you are the strongest little baby. Come, I will reward you with some small gifts.”

Tang Xiu smilingly took Gu Yansheng’s hand and put a small bag and a USB flash drive in his hand.

“The bag is the fragment of the infusion bottle that injured Xiaoyu, it also has his blood and…that crazy dog’s fingerprints on it. The USB flash drive has the corridor surveillance video, it has the recording of how she pounced on you and how she attacks Xiaoyu, the footage is very clear. You can take these two things and make her squat in jail.”

Gu Yansheng held the thing in his hand in a daze.

“And this.”

Tang Xiu picked up another bag again, which contained many fresh and full strawberries, which had been carefully cleaned and covered with glistening drops of water.

“Xiaoyu wanted to take it to his father. They didn’t want it. Our A’sheng is going to eat like a ginseng bite by bite, right?”

Gu Yansheng took the strawberry and said sincerely, “thank you.”

“Thank who?”

“Thank you.”

Tang Xiu raised his eyebrows: “who am I?”

Gu Yansheng was stunned for a moment, and then he was a little embarrassed and said, “thank you, brother.”

“En, good.”

Tang Xiu patted Gu Yansheng’s head with great satisfaction.

“Then eat strawberries slowly and give him some when Xiaoyu wakes up. I’ll leave in advance.”

“Don’t you want to eat?” Gu Yansheng grabbed him. “Don’t you like strawberries very much?”

Tang Xiu rolled his eyes. “I don’t eat dog food, thank you.”

He wants to eat it if there was nothing wrong with his stomach.

—

Shen Kanyu was a person with a good memory, but he always tries hard to forget some things. For example, the endless abuse and beating he suffered in childhood, and all the indifference and alienation encountered later.

He forced himself to forget all of that, but he would still wake up from his nightmare in the middle of the night, shivering with his cold sweat.

He actually never forgot about it, so he was more eager for warmth, eager to stay a little warm by his side through his own efforts so that those things would not make him so painful, and he could have a good sleep.

But his so-called efforts hurt too many people, so in the end, he was left with nothing. The second child he was carrying with A’sheng should have been given to him after god took a nap because he took it back.

He dreamed of a chubby little doll sitting on a pure white plush carpet, holding a powder blue bottle and drinking milk. When he turned to see him, he threw the bottle down and opened it. The toothless little mouth smiled at him, calling him father with his milk voice while flapping his fleshy little, short hands and short legs then crawled in his direction.

His eyes were sore, his heart ached as he squatted down and held the child with his trembling hands, dragged the back of his limp head, and kissed his fluffy head lightly.

The milk voice of the baby resounded, even more. His big eyes squinted into two slits and he excitedly fluttered his flesh arms and legs and gave him back a kiss with the milky fragrance.

Shen Kanyu pressed against the baby‘s warm, and soft face as tears gushed out silently.

This was the picture he dreamed about countless times before and after Tian Tian’s birth since he became pregnant with Tian Tian, but it never came true. He did not do well at all, so the child never liked him. Whether before or after he left.

He called her baby, and she didn’t want to answer him.

He wanted to kiss her and hug her, and she would always dodge.

He said baby father loves you, and she said she only wants daddy’s love.

He has never been a father. He failed the first time and won’t have a second chance.

He gently kissed the child in his arms, as his heart ache terribly, and his eyes full of water were full of deep pity and reluctance.

Sorry, dad didn’t protect you well.

Dad has no ability. He can’t learn anything after living for so many years. He can’t take care of you when you come.

You’re going to a better place than here.

He laid the child on the carpet, and the child whimpered and grabbed his sleeve, two bags of tears instantly building up in his large eyes.

He smiled gently and softly pulled the child’s soft, fragile little hands off.

The baby watched him get up and leave, wrinkled his nose and mouth, raised his small head, and cried all day.

—

With a sharp pain in his heart, Shen Kanyu coughed hard and woke up from his sleep. His stomach was sore and unbearable. He stretched out his hand to press it, but someone gently held his wrist.

He painstakingly turned his head and looked at Tang Xiu’s gently smiling face.

“Yumiao is still inside. You will hurt him if you press it like this.”

Shen Kanyu was stunned.

He was stunned for a long time. He had been staring at Tang Xiu blankly that his eyes wouldn’t even blink. When he came back to his senses, Tang Xiu didn’t see the slightest joy and excitement. He just silently lowered his eyelashes and said.

“I know, I won’t press it”, so he gently rubbed his lower abdomen and stopped making a sound.

He doesn’t dare to communicate with others now. If he could stay by himself, he tries to stay by himself. First, he was afraid of disturbing others and annoying people. Secondly, because he was stupid in talking and doing things he was afraid of hurting others or bringing them something bad.

Tang Xiu touched his yellow and soft hair and smiled, “Aren’t you happy that Yumiao is still alive? Do you still miss A’sheng?”

Hearing Gu Yansheng’s name, Shen Kanyu, who had just woken up, finally had some strong reactions. He murmured “A’sheng” several times, and then gripped Tang Xiu’s sleeve with a pale face.

“Brother A’Xiu, A’sheng, is he hurt? My mother… Did my mother hurt him… Where is he?”

Tang Xiu was stunned for a moment, and hurriedly said, “no, no, he just…”

Before he could finish what he was saying, he saw Gu Yansheng standing at the door. He just wanted to tell Shen Kanyu, but Gu Yansheng shook his head and motioned him not to speak.

“Is he angry? I remember I shed a lot of blood…”

Shen Kanyu raised his hand and touched the wound that had been wrapped in gauze. Scenes of heart-rending and lung cracking clearly emerged in the hospital corridor. His eyes were red and his words were incoherent.

“Did I dirty the clothes that A’tong gave him? Brother A’Xiu, he may… Don’t want to see me, can you help me say sorry to him? Then, ask him if he can give me the clothes, I can wash them. I have washed them many times before until there was no blood stain.”

Since he had heart and stomach problems, he had hemoptysis and vomited blood many times. If it happens in the middle of the night, he couldn’t get up from his sweaty shirt and sometimes vomits on his quilt in a daze. And since he didn’t have many clothes to wear, and he only have a thin quilt he tried many methods how to clean up the blood.

Tang Xiu heard something wrong and doubted, “why do you wash clothes with blood many times?”

Shen Kanyu didn’t understand what Tang Xiu was asking. He just felt that he might not believe him so he just repeatedly guaranteed that he could really clean it and refused to answer his questions.

Tang Xiu could only appease him by saying he believed Shen Kanyu could really clean the blood-stained clothes and then ask him.

“Are you often injured, bleeding and soiling your clothes, or because of something uncomfortable, spitting blood… Or both?”

Shen Kanyu still didn’t understand Tang Xiu’s intention, but just stared at him and nodded.

Tang Xiu frowned. “Don’t you even want to go to the hospital? Doesn’t it hurt?”

Shen Kanyu shook his head, “I’m not afraid of pain.”

Tang Xiu couldn’t believe it: “aren’t you afraid of spitting blood?”

“This… it’s not contagious, you don’t have to go, it’ll be fine in a few days… A cold and fever will go! That one is easily contagious… not contagious.”

Shen Kanyu smiled with a pale face, “the hospital is too expensive, just for hanging a bottle of water…I can already buy a lot of fruits for the money.”

Gu Yansheng took a breath gently and then exhaled with difficulty. He remembered that he had been injured on his forehead before. He was worried about his tetanus and wanted to take him to the hospital. He also said the same words, “It is not contagious.”

Shen Kanyu’s criterion for judging whether to go to the hospital was whether the disease could be contagious.

Tang Xiu looked at him inconceivably: “how can you be short of money as an anchor?”

“I want to save money for A’sheng and Tian Tian, and…”

Shen Kanyu’s eyes darkened, and he didn’t say who else.

“I don’t know anything except playing games to make money. I want to buy them more things, such as fruits, meals, and clothes, but… The things I cook are not delicious. They don’t like to go home for dinner, and the fruits and meals are often spoiled… They also don’t like to wear the clothes I buy—I’m not good at choosing, I can’t choose… I can’t do well…”

He remembered that in the past, he always prepared a full table of meals in high spirits, waited around at home, and waited until Gu Yansheng would not go home for dinner. He just stared at the table and watched the food getting cold. Looking at it, he especially missed Gu Yansheng.

He thought about the reason why he didn’t like to go home for dinner. Was it because he didn’t cook well? Was it because he always liked to wander around the table when he ate?

But he has too little time to see him in a day. He just wants to see him more. He really misses him every day.

He remembered that every time he bought A’sheng and Tian Tian thick winter clothes, he politely hung them at hand before they went out, repeatedly reminding them to wear warm clothes, but when they left home, they never picked up the thick coat he had prepared.

He once brazenly forced Tian Tian to wear warm cotton-padded clothes. Song Li took it off her granddaughter with disgust on her face as soon as she saw it. Saying it was old, and someone bought such an ugly big cotton-padded jacket for the little girl to wear.

He doesn’t know how to choose good and beautiful clothes; he just thinks it’s good to wear thick and warm clothes. He was afraid that it would be too cold outside, and they would get sick or catch a cold.

He was always a hypocrite so he couldn’t do anything well.

Shen Kanyu lowered his head and rubbed his eyes, with a slightly choked tone.

“So, so I want to save money for them so that they can buy their favorite things. But I, I have been hospitalized for too long this time, and I may spend all the money I saved for them… Brother Xiu, when can I leave the hospital, I want to see what else can I do to make money, I don’t want A’sheng to waste money…”

Tang Xiu saw Gu Yansheng couldn’t help but want to come forward, fiercely gouged him out and made him stop, then turned his head and whispered to Shen Kanyu.

“Why do you think it’s a waste?”

Shen Kanyu murmured, “I can’t play games… I’m… Useless, and I can’t take good care of my children. I don’t know… Why does A’sheng care about me? Every time I ask him what he needs me to do, he doesn’t tell me.”

When Tang Xiu heard him say “I’m useless”, his heart tingled.

“Xiaoyu, you’re not a tool, and you’re not dispensable. You’re indispensable to A’sheng and Tian Tian. Haven’t you found that A’sheng has been particularly good to you recently? I swear to God, I’ve known him for so many years, and I’ve never seen him be so careful and patient to anyone, and you’re the first.”

“A’sheng has always been very good to me… Recently, especially good, really, but I…” Shen Kanyu closed his eyes sadly, choking, “I’m not worth it.”

“You’re worth it.” Gu Yansheng could no longer control it and said in a mute, trembling voice.

Shen Kanyu’s thin back trembled and then turned back stiffly.

Gu Yansheng saw his pale face, thick gauze on his forehead, and red rabbit eyes full of water. He stared at him stupidly, shivering for a long time, but never called “A’sheng”. He could no longer restrain his emotions and took two steps to touch the back of his head, covered his eyes, and then bent down to kiss his bloodless cold dry lips.

He kissed Shen Kanyu gently for fear of frightening him. He kissed him like a dragonfly, then hugged him and whispered in his ear.

“I was too nervous just now, maybe I didn’t make it clear.”

He paused, as light as a whisper, but very clear: “You are worth it.”

———-

Gu Xiaohulu: Wah wah wah, they don’t want me before I’m born.

Tang Xiu: what about not eating dog food?? Heaven spared me!!!