Unspeakable

After Gu Yansheng left that night, Shen Kanyu’s fever worsened over time. He didn’t have warm water to drink or a hot water bottle to hold for warmth, so he could only wander around on the streets aimlessly, hoping for the sun to quickly rise so he could return to school. 

The school classrooms were heated during winter and were very warm.

But it was too cold outside, so cold that he couldn’t stop coughing. He coughed and coughed until the taste of blood rose from his throat. Fearing that he would cough up his lungs at this rate, he could only fumble his way to the nearby hospital and register for emergency treatment.

He never would’ve thought the diagnosis from this examination to be myocarditis1. Completely confused as he held onto the form, his mind went blank momentarily. Then thoughts like “it’s over, it’s over. It sounds really terrifying. I’ve really done it this time, how can I explain it to mom and dad” flooded his mind.
[T/N: 1Heart inflammation]

Seeing his muddled expression, the doctor scolded him to his face. What kind of fever results in a myocarditis diagnosis, the kids nowadays could really endure. 

Shen Kanyu was in agonizing pain. Raising his head between coughs, he looked at the doctor, innocent and aggrieved.

The doctor choked back the rest of his lecture. “Where are your parents? Call your parents over!”

“Eh?!” Terrified, Shen Kanyu strained his voice that was hoarse as a damaged gong and said, “They they they…they already know, they’re lining up to buy me medicine.”

The doctor stared at him.

Shen Kanyu embarrassedly laughed, then bowed his head to look at that form, softly saying, “Doctor, will I die from this sickness?”

The doctor stared at him, “What’s this about dying, you’re this young, you’ll be fine as long as you care for your health. After your parents take you to get an injection and you take your medicine, it won’t hurt that much anymore.”

“Okay, thank you Doctor ah.” Shen Kanyu smilingly bowed to the doctor and fumbled his way to get an IV drip. 

***

Inside the IV room, whether the patients were men or women, young or old, a family member was accompanying them. It was just like when dad and mom would be at gege’s side to accompany him when he fell ill.

Shen Kanyu actually felt extremely thankful as he took the scene in. If his parents knew, he’d be giving them trouble for no reason again. Also, a beating would be unavoidable.

Besides feeling thankful, child Shen Kanyu was very proud of himself. He thought, ‘Look at you brats who haven’t been weaned yet and still need your parents around during a fever, don’t make them worried.’

Ai, I’m such a considerate and sensible child, why don’t people like me? Shen Kanyu wondered.

But that didn’t matter. Today, he heard Gu Yansheng wishing him a happy birthday. He was already bursting with luck, overflowing in fortune, and erupting in happiness.

Consequently, Shen Kanyu sat cross-legged in the IV room by himself while on the drip and hummed to the tune of ‘Happy Birthday’. 

A nurse heard him and giggled, “You’re off-key, kid.”

“Really? Haha, I haven’t heard it much, not familiar with it.”

***

By the time Shen Kanyu came back from his memories, there were already many empty beer cans in front of him.

He has a high alcohol tolerance; his face wouldn’t redden when he drank. The more he drank the paler his face got, and the paler he got the more lively he became. Once he was lively, he liked to chatter on, “A-Sheng ah, why don’t you like me? I’m this good-looking, I love you, and I’m willing to bottom. I’ve even birthed a child for you. Why don’t you like me? I’ve made you all these delicious things, yet you run out and celebrate someone else’s birthday. You big pig trotters2.”
[T/N: 2Common roast women use for men; can be used to diss that men are insensitive or that they’re heartless and fickle]

After going on and on for a long time, he felt that his heart started to hurt again, so much so that he didn’t even dare to put strength into breathing. As his hand shook, he took out the Danshen3 pills he carried with him from his pocket and stuffed several into his mouth.  
[T/N: 3Pill used for circulation problems, stroke, chest pain, and other diseases of the heart and blood vessels]

Perhaps he’d taken too many of these pills in the past and it was no longer effective, he didn’t see any improvements after a short while had passed. His chest pain was so severe he was having difficulty breathing, hence he could only rummage for his phone to try and call someone to come over and help him.

Yet once he opened the address book, he became perplexed. 

Who was he looking for?

A-Sheng? Dad? Mom? Gege? Or those bunch of delinquent friends?

It was pathetic how few people there were in his address book. Someone he dared not seek, the people in his family couldn’t be troubled and would scold him for calling, and those delinquent friends live far away. It’d be tough for them to rush over, not to mention his body would be cold by the time they arrive.

Just as a light flashed in his mind and he was getting ready to call 120, the pain in his heart slowly subsided.

Shen Kanyu breathed a sigh of relief. He put his medicine and phone away, then started tidying up the beer cans all over the balcony floor.

Having come to himself, he started chattering on again, “If you don’t like me, then you don’t like me, I won’t force you…I’m probably going to die soon. If it takes me to die for you to like me, that’s really way too tragic.”

At the notion of “Gu Yansheng liking him”, Shen Kanyu thought it was very ridiculous and lightly chuckled after sighing.

Really. He was starting to dream with his eyes wide open in broad daylight.

***

Gu Yansheng and Gu Yutian were away from home for many days again. Every time they left, the two of them would have fun with Su Tong for a few days before returning. 

Although Tiantian was brought up by Shen Kanyu, she wasn’t glued to him at all. This was because he didn’t know how to coax kids and wasn’t too indulgent. Gu Yansheng was great at coaxing kids. That paralysed-like face softened and it was wonderful. Moreover, he often brought her out to play so compared to Papa, Tiantian likes her Daddy more. 

It seems like he had never held a more important place in anyone’s heart before. 

How does it feel to be valued by another person? He really wanted to know. 

But he probably won’t get the chance to.


After finishing his midday live-stream, Shen Kanyu had low blood sugar because he hadn’t eaten anything. He was so tired he kept sweating excessively, but he saw the time and figured the father and daughter pair would be returning home these two days. So after casually eating something, he ended up going to the supermarket to buy fresh meat and vegetables for them.

He was too tired. His lips were white, he had severe palpitations, and cold sweat continuously broke out on his palms, yet he persevered in picking out the freshest ingredients from cluttered piles of meat and vegetables and placed them into his shopping cart like they were treasures.

At the supermarket, there were always mischievous kids that liked to cause a ruckus. He saw a small boy about to unknowingly crash into a shelf and hastily reached out to protect the child.

However, the boy did end up crashing into it. Something fell from the shelf and hit him on the corner of his forehead. After he felt a sharp pain, warm liquid gushed down. He raised a hand to cover the wound.

Frightened by the blood, the child shrieked and knocked Shen Kanyu away before running. With a shooting pain assaulting his waist, Shen Kanyu simply couldn’t stand anymore so he stumbled and fell to the ground.

The surrounding voices became noisy all at once. He heard the child crying, and the child’s mother trying to dissociate themselves from the situation, saying that “This man wanted to kidnap and sell my child, it was justifiable self-defense on my child’s end.”

He covered his wound and swallowed the acidic taste in his throat with difficulty. Then he softly said, “I’m fine, it’s not a scam4, you can go.”
[T/N: 4Literally ‘porcelain bumping’. Scam somebody by setting up an ‘accident’ and feigning injury to claim compensation from the other party]

The noise gradually faded. Shen Kanyu was still covering his wound when he sat on the ground.

His wishful thinking had troubled others again. Blame this useless old waist of his. He sighed inwardly.

It was a difficult premature delivery when he gave birth to Tiantian. An 8 month-old fetus was undoubtedly very small, yet he didn’t have enough strength and couldn’t deliver the child after being tormented on the delivery bed for a very long time. At the time, the muscles on his waist were strained so badly that he never recovered from it.

He had fallen over many times because of this broken waist.

In the past, he would think how good it’d be for someone to help him up, just once was fine. 

Later on, he didn’t think this way anymore. If it made others annoyed, he could just get up himself. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there until the bleeding from the wound gradually stopped and a salesperson came over and gently patted him on the shoulder, “Sir, are you all right?”

Shen Kanyu strained to raise his eyes and it was only when he saw an attendant holding a mop in hand did he realize the blood flowing from his wound had already dirtied the floor. He quickly got up from the ground, drawing his lips up into an apologetic smile at the person and hoarsely saying, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Let me mop it.”

***

When Gu Yansheng brought their daughter home, Shen Kanyu was sleeping on the sofa facing inward.

Gu Yansheng immediately felt somewhat displeased. He had definitely said he would be returning for lunch today, yet he came back to the sight of this person still asleep. Was he trying to starve their child?

Tiantian sniffled and sharply pointed at the dining table. “Papa! Egg yolk puffs, there’s egg yolk puffs!”

Gu Yansheng carried her over to the dining room where there were already dishes spread over the table, and freshly squeezed apple juice and fruit salad in the refrigerator.

He took out the fruit salad. As he looked at the small and delicately cut fruit pieces, he didn’t know why he became a little absent-minded.

Tiantian was so hungry she tugged at the corner of his shirt, wanting nothing more than to quickly eat. Gu Yansheng carried her to the high-chair before looking for tableware in the kitchen.

He looked at the cupboard, and the longer he looked the stranger he felt. After examining it for a long time, he finally realized what it was—too few things were placed inside the cupboard, there was only his and Tiantian’s tableware.

Since Tiantian kept crying out that she was hungry and he didn’t have the time to dwell on this matter, he washed the tableware and went to attend to his daughter’s meal.

***

After father and daughter finished their meal, Shen Kanyu had yet to wake. As he slept, his hair was a mess and his face couldn’t be seen.

Gu Yansheng, seeing that he was shrunken into a ball as if he was scared of the cold, wanted to carry him to his room and let him sleep there. However, the moment he touched his shoulder, the person directly sprung up like he’d gotten an electric shock. “Shit! Who hit me?!”

Gu Yansheng: …..

“Ai, my head hurts…” A certain someone had got up too quickly, pressing his hand to his temples and saying that he had a headache.

Gu Yansheng pushed against the sofa to stand up. “What are you doing sleeping here?”

“…A-Sheng?” Shen Kanyu hadn’t fully awakened when he was shocked by Gu Yansheng’s voice. He raised his head, blinking as he gazed at him for quite a while. It was only once he saw his daughter playing with a toy to the side did he confirm that they had indeed come back.

He rubbed his neck and forced out two laughs. “You’ve come back? Have you eaten yet?”

“We’ve eaten.” Gu Yansheng slightly knitted his brows. “There are so many places to sleep, why did you sleep on the sofa?”

Still rubbing his neck, Shen Kanyu tilted his head dazedly and pondered over the meaning behind Gu Yansheng’s words. When he thought that he figured it out, he got up from the sofa with a creaking noise, stood up and put on his slippers. “You want to sit on the sofa, right? I’m sorry. I was going to sit and play with my phone and whatnot after taking a shower, but I accidentally fell asleep. It won’t happen again, not again.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Gu Yansheng wanted to explain, but he suddenly saw a faint wound behind Shen Kanyu’s messy bangs, and it didn’t look shallow. He took a step forward and reached out to lift his bangs.

Shen Kanyu was shocked by him once again. Thinking that he was about to be beaten, he covered his head and took several steps backward, trembling as he said, “Don’t…don’t be angry, I won’t sleep on the sofa from now on, I really won’t anymore.”

He swallowed with difficulty, then spoke softly with watering eyes, “Don’t beat me.”

In the past, when he had done those shameless things in front of Gu Yansheng, Gu Yansheng had been enraged and fought with him. He grew up being beaten by his parents. Back then, he was a young and healthy boy who was simply unafraid of Gu Yansheng’s showy yet impractical fighting skills. It wasn’t any different from being scratched by a cat. 

But now he wasn’t as durable as he used to be. 

Now, his entire body was already wracked with pain even if nobody beat him.

He really couldn’t bear it anymore.