Your Distance

“I feel like how I did when I was studying my original major, cramming before an exam.” Ting Shuang said while taking notes with his laptop, “I actually studied ‘Economic Management’ and also took ‘International Business Law’ as an elective. At that time, I thought I would be able to use it in the future, but what I learnt was so superficial, I don’t even remember anything now…”

His voice gradually grew softer, and after staring at the computer screen for a long time, he suddenly said, “Fuck.”

Bai Changyi: “What’s wrong.”

In shock, Ting Shuang looked at the words on the screen, “… My mother is still RoboRun‘s shareholder now, and owns 15% of the shares. After their divorce, my mother stopped participating in the company’s affairs, and even stopped meeting my father. I thought she’d sold all the shares to other shareholders at that time… I’ll have to ask her.”

He picked up the phone and saw that it was already two o’clock in the morning, “She must be asleep now, so I’ll ask her tomorrow.”

“You should sleep too.” Bai Changyi said, “Adjust to the timezone here.”

“Yeah.” Ting Shuang closed the computer, walked to the back of Bai Changyi’s chair, then bent over and hugged his neck. Half flirting and half acting like a supervisor, he asked, “Dear, how’s your project proposal going?”

Bai Changyi said, “If you were to become a boss, you’d be one who best knows how to wring his employees dry.”

“I am… a juicer.” Ting Shuang said in Bai Changyi’s ear, “That only you can use.”

After that, he walked around to the front of Bai Changyi and straddled his lap.

The two of them embraced, shared a long kiss, and then went to bed together.

They didn’t do anything else.

There was a thread hanging in Ting Shuang’s heart, and the other end of the thread was tied onto Zhu Ao in the hospital. Of course Bai Changyi understood that.

When Ting Shuang woke up the next morning, he realised that Bai Changyi was already working.

He didn’t speak, just sat on the bed and watched Bai Changyi.

“Come over and eat breakfast.” Bai Changyi glanced at him, then turned his gaze back to the computer screen, “There’s xiao long bao, shao mai, you tiao, and soy milk(1). They are all warm. If you don’t want to eat those, there’s more downstairs.”

Ting Shuang walked over. Before even brushing his teeth, he picked up a xiao long bao and stuffed it into his mouth. The fragrant juices immediately overflowed.

The taste of food and happiness were one and the same.

“Why is it that when I’m with you, I always feel like… Just… Every day I wake up looking forward to starting the day.” He kissed Bai Changyi with his greasy mouth after eating the xiao long bao. He picked up another you tiao and went to draw the curtains, “Do you understand that feeling?”

Morning light gushed in, shining on his arms, chest, legs and bare feet.

The room was bright and clear.

He sat on the window sill and gnawed on the you tiao, looking at the pedestrians and vehicles downstairs. Then he turned to look at Bai Changyi who was working, “I just feel so… alive.”

Just like sunlight, just like summer, just like endless weeds, flourishing year after year.

Bai Changyi raised his eyes to look at Ting Shuang, “I understand.”

Ting Shuang smiled at Bai Changyi, then continued looking out the window.

After eating, he called Ting Yun, talked about what had happened over the past few days, and asked her out for lunch.

“Ah.” He only remembered after hanging up that he’d forgotten to ask for Bai Changyi’s opinion, “Do you want to go with me?”

“Depends on what you want.” Bai Changyi said.

“I want you to go.” Ting Shuang said, “Don’t worry, my mom won’t treat you like my dad does. My relationship with my mom… How do I say it, it’s not like one between mother and son. Because I didn’t grow up with her…”

When Ting Yun and Zhu Ao divorced, Ting Shuang was still very young. He hadn’t seen Ting Yun for a long time, so he also forgot a little of how Ting Yun looked. When Ting Yun came to see him for the first time after their divorce, she took him to the amusement park, and bought him ice cream. He ran around, got lost, and grabbed the corner of another woman’s clothes, calling her mom.

“She always brings this up to make fun of me.” Ting Shuang told Bai Changyi about this story and found it funnier as he went on, “So after that I stopped calling her ‘mom’, and started calling her Ms. Ting Yun instead.”

In return, Ms. Ting Yun called Ting Shuang, “Mr. Lil’ Ting.”

It was like meeting an old friend.

Ting Shuang stepped forward to hug her, and then introduced Bai Changyi, “This is my… Mm.”

That “mm” seemed to have infinite meanings.

“Mr. Lil’ Ting’s standards are high,” Ting Yun smiled and teased Ting Shuang, then went to shake hands with Bai Changyi.

After that, she treated Bai Changyi like he was a good friend’s boyfriend. She wasn’t curious, and did not ask anything, politely keeping a proper distance.

After entering the private room and ordering good food, Ting Shuang poured tea for Ting Yun as he said, “I plan on visiting my dad this afternoon.”

“Mm.” Ting Yun replied.

“Do you want to go with me?” Ting Shuang asked.

“Nope.” Ting Yun smiled and spoke very directly, “I don’t want him to die, but this is far from ‘I want to see him’. Okay, Mr. Lil’ Ting, let’s talk about business, what do you want me to do?”

“That’s OK.” Ting Shuang went straight to the topic, “Over the phone, I said that RoboRun is having an impromptu shareholder meeting on Monday. You are also a shareholder. Didn’t they notify you?”

“No.” Ting Yun took a sip of tea. “I told Zhu Ao 20 years ago not to inform me about anything going on in the company, and just to pay the dividends to my account.”

Ting Shuang thought for a while and asked, “Then did you have any written agreement at that point in time? For example, that you allow them to hold shareholder meetings without your knowledge, or amend the company’s articles of association… That sort of thing.”

“No, we just said it verbally.” Ting Yun recalled, “20 years ago, RoboRun hadn’t developed into what it is now. At that time, small private enterprises still did things very primitively. I remember that the company didn’t even have a legal department at that time.”

The situation was favorable.

Ting Shuang took out a copy of the power of attorney he’d prepared in the morning and handed it to Ting Yun, “Then, can you temporarily entrust me with some of the shareholders’ rights and interests on your behalf?”

She flipped through the power of attorney and signed at the end, “You’re still in school. I haven’t talked to you about these things, but these shares will all be yours in the future. I’ve helped you invest in the dividends before. It’s real estate, and will be transferred under your name when you become independent.”

“Huh?” Ting Shuang pointed to himself, “Transfer it to me? Then what about you?”

He had always been afraid of Ting Yun not living well.

“What about me?” Ting Yun was amused, “It was originally intended for you.”

Ting Shuang said, “But I have the ability to support myself.”

“I know, you’ve never worried me. But…” Ting Yun thought for a while, “It’s different between generations. Zhu Ao and I started building things from scratch, so we had much fewer choices at the time.”

After chatting for a bit, the dishes came, and each person had a cup of red jujube and longan chicken soup.

“It’s their signature dish.” Ting Yun said with a smile, “I think you rarely drink this in Germany. Try it.”

“Okay…” Ting Shuang picked up the spoon and stirred the soup.

He didn’t eat red dates.

Bai Changyi didn’t say anything, just quietly drank Ting Shuang’s soup while chatting.

In the second half of the meal, Ting Yun answered a phone call. Ting Shuang vaguely heard a little girl on the phone calling her mom. Ting Yun coaxed her softly, her voice sweet like a ball of melting cotton candy, ” Mom will be back soon. Play with your sister first, Mom is buying you ice cream.”

Ting Shuang felt like Ting Yun wanted to go home as soon as possible, so when she hung up, he said, “You two eat first. There’s a supermarket nearby, I’ll buy the ice cream. I know what kind of ice cream kids like to eat.”

After speaking, he stood up, habitually kissed Bai Changyi’s lips, and whispered, “Babe, you can foot the bill.”

After Ting Yun left, Ting Shuang stood by the side of the road for a while.

“Are you eating ice cream?” Bai Changyi said.

“Quickly go buy it, the happy kid on the phone will soon have eight boxes of ice cream, and I want to have more than her.” Ting Shuang said.

“Okay.” Bai Changyi smiled.

In the end, he only bought one box because there was no place to put it.

Ting Shuang sat in the car eating ice cream, and the car drove towards the hospital.

They arrived at the entrance of the ICU at half past two, and waited until it was three before they went in to visit.

Ting Shuang did not let Bai Changyi accompany him.

He had a lot to say to Zhu Ao alone; secret things, things that even he didn’t want to say to himself. He decided to squat silently beside Zhu Ao’s bed and say them.

“Dad.”

Ting Shuang had a mask on, so only his eyes were visible.

“It seems like the both of us have never had a heart-to-heart talk. Being a man is pretty miserable. If you say a couple sentences of heart-felt words, people will call you feminine.”

He tipped up the corner of his mouth, but it was covered by a mask, so you couldn’t see that he was smiling.

“I have thought a lot the past two days, more than I’ve ever done the past 20 years. You know, when I stood at the door of the ICU yesterday and my aunt told me that it was my fault for angering you like this, for a moment I hated myself for being gay.

“At that moment… I felt like I was guilty.

“Guilty with the kind of sin that can’t be washed away, even if you spent your whole life trying.”

When he said this, he lowered his head and didn’t dare to look at Zhu Ao’s pale and aging face.

“At that moment, a parallel dimension appeared in my mind. In that parallel dimension, I was not gay. I married a woman and had many children. You weren’t lying here either. You became a grandfather and was really happy.”

His hand trembled, and he subconsciously wanted to smoke a cigarette.

“I can’t smoke here.” He sniffed and smiled again. “And I decided to quit smoking. I want to live longer, and I don’t want to let… inhale secondhand smoke. He always smokes with me, and yet now I can’t stand to see him smoking. After you wake up, don’t smoke anymore too. What’s the point of smoking that stuff? You wake up in the morning and your throat hurts. If your mouth feels empty, just eating a lollipop is quite good too, it’s not embarrassing at all.”

“I finished reading ‘The Company Law’ last night and this morning. I also read…” Although Zhu Ao couldn’t hear anything, and although there was no one else in the room, Ting Shuang’s voice got even lower, as low as the buzz of a mosquito, “I also read ‘The Inheritance Law’… without him knowing. Am I very despicable?”

A single tear dripped onto the isolation gown, and Ting Shuang quickly wiped it off with his hands.

“I hope I won’t use it… I hope it will never be used.”

After a long silence, he deliberately relaxed his tone, “What do I do, Dad, I’m not the kind of son you wanted. But… You weren’t an amazing father either, right. How about we… Afterwards, let’s both come to a compromise and be father and son for a few more decades, without constantly despising each other.”

Zhu Ao’s eyelids moved ever so slightly.