75. Longing for idols

　The first time Rosette felt uncomfortable was when she started staying away from brothers and talking to other people.

　Resette had been wearing cute clothes and accessories as her brothers told her to, but she had never been interested in them. While other girls her age were happily admiring each other’s dresses, she could only vaguely smile, unable to fit in.

　She thinks dresses with a lots of frills and ribbons are cute. But she doesn’t like to wear them because it’s hard to move with them. She could only look at them, but couldn’t reach to them. She always felt there was a gap between her and other aristocratic girls.

　In the end, she couldn’t find any more meaning in dressing up rather than thinking it as a duty.

　Girls like pretty things. They don’t like insects and reptiles. They don’t think a field of blooming wildflowers is beautiful, and they don’t admire brightly colored poisonous mushrooms. They don’t want to wear unpolished gemstones, no matter how pure they are.

　The more Rosette learned about these girls and the princesses, and dream they have, the more distant she felt they are from her.

　Fortunately, her appearance was close to everyone’s ideal of a princess, so it was easy to live up to their expectations by following their example.

　However, slowly, over time, the Rosette she knew and her surroundings became disconnected. She never felt sad about it and gave up sooner than she expected because she knew she had no choice.

　But then she realized that the only thing floating in her mind was the desire to be a Rosette that was not ideal.

　Even though she was aware of it, she couldn’t stop it, neither could she change it.

　And she herself didn’t want to stop, or wanted to change.

　She sometimes felt suffocated by hiding herself, but she also feared that people would know about it. Even though she never wanted to give it up, something that truly makes her feel….. herself, she still wanted to keep her desire.

　She knew that one day would come when someone would be aware of her secret – somewhere in her heart, she expected it.


****


　In the package, that arrived that day was something that Rosette had asked for, a gift from her brother.

　It was a kind of thing that was hard to find …… in the academy, and even if it were available, Rosette was sure that she would not be able to get it. It was a choice that’s too far from the ideal princess.

　Still, it can’t be helped that she was interested in them. Even if she didn’t go her way to choose one, her hand unconsciously reaches for it, and her gaze also naturally follows it. She knew there was no use in resisting. Fortunately, the only people who knew about this hobby, were her older brothers. They accept it with open heart. For them, whatever their sister chooses is her choice and they would encourage her. That was enough to dispel any illusion that she was wrong or her choice was wrong.

　Rosette could have just taken it easy and said, “It doesn’t matter. I had already put aside the guilt of hiding it years ago. I don’t care what people says about my choice.”

　But she knew she couldn’t do it. It’s not that she didn’t want to, but she knew the consequence of this wouldn’t be pretty. So, she could only become their ideal princess and hide it in her heart. Only in her mind could she be proud that she was being herself. That it was her world created solely by her, and she could follow and understand her heart better than anyone else.

　She realized later that she was actully bluffing.

“Ah…….”

　Rosette thought that no one was there. She was immersed in her joy and didn’t notice the shadow of a person there until she was standing before her.

　It was dimly lit and smelled more like dirt and leaves than flowers, which was Rosette’s favorite spot. It was a spot that kills two birds with one stone, where no one gathered and sometimes even small intruders could also be observed.

　But, there she sat.

　Like a jewel scattered in the cloudy sky, she had a strong presence even in the shadows. It was as if she subconsciously emitted that this was her territory. No matter what kind of place she was in, Rosette was sure no could ever told that she(Violette) doesn’t fit in.

　 It’s not that she(Violette) blends in perfectly, it’s that the people around her feel they want to be in her presence.

　Even her(Violette) expression of surprise was beautiful.

“Violette-sama.”

　Everyone knew that name. The sight of her attracted their eyes. Everyone were attracted to her, but at the same time they wanted to stay away from her. Everyone desired to be in her sight, but at the same time they were awed, frightened, and nervous.

　Rosette had only spoken to her a few times, but she knew all the rumors and impressions that surrounded her. Even though it was only made in their mind, they still believed it to be true that she was an excellent lady.

　Rosette, who knew nothing of the facts, was one of those who saw reality in such illusions.

　A moment of fear. Knowing that she had been discovered, she was impatient and irritated. It was Violette who was at the other end of her fear, but she was not the reason for why Rosette was afraid.

　Irritation is a gap. It is a weakness that comes for instantaneous. It is an illusion that, for a brief moment, can derail your priorities.


　Rosette was irritated, she had been so caught up in her imagination that she forgot Violette was a person too and that she may have expose her secret. It was too late when she realized what is regret.

　She was scared, horrified, she didn’t want anyone to know her secret. Just imagining the look of disillusionment on her(Violette) face made her body tense. The future of how people would scorn at her made her feel terrible.

　She knew that the images in her brain were just a fantasy.

“Whatever you are attracted to, it is your choice.”

However, what left her(Violette) mouth wasn’t scornful words, it was something that Rosette never dreamed of.

　That was probably no consolation or comfort in her words. It was just indifference, and she(Rosette) knew that she was not worthy of her(Violette) concerns.

　With her(Violette) gaze, all the fear in Rosette’s heart was removed. The fact that she(Violette) cared for her or didn’t feel disgusted by her(Rosette) choice made her heart flutter. She could not turn her eyes away from the strong desire to see if the figure that was moving away from her would look back at her.

　The essence of irritation and fear that had been with her always, slowly faded away. It made Rosette finally give up all the hesitation. The true power of gravity that had been hanging over her so naturally that she had forgotten how bothersome it was. Now, she felt like all the pressure had gone away like a wisp.

　She was intensely attracted to her(Violette). She was afraid to reach out her hand, but she wanted to touch the figure. She just wanted to get close to it. She put away the dream, an illusion, something that was not true, on the back of her mind, and focused on the present, on the figure that was moving away.

　Rosette came to realize, she knew for the first time, that was what “longing” is.









T/N: I have a feeling that ….this novel may turn out GL. If it does….then I’m dropping it.