76. I want to be hurt by protecting you.

　Violette lacked the ability to avoid people. Her presence was something that calls people to them. So she always had a hard time avoiding people, but she was still happy because she could at least avoid them for a while and have a peace of mind. Mastering the way of closing one’s heart is painful but worthy.

　Although Violette likes to stay alone, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know how to have minimal amount of interaction with others. She had learned to either listen with an open mind, or to escape from the situation with an appropriate reason, depending on the occasion and the person she was talking to.

　It was because it didn’t matter to her.

　It didn’t matter what they were talking about, what they wanted to say, what impression they wanted to make, or anything else. The words of those who talk about Violette as they please and declare that they are doing it for Violette’s sake weren’t always for her sake, and they sounded rather fake and empty. So she also response to them in the same empty way. She never bothered to have a conversation with them, nor did she think it was necessary.

　That was why these feelings bugged her. Because there is someone whom she didn’t want to hurt, whom she wanted to be sincere. But she never once …… thought about what or how to do it.

“Vio-chan, I found you!”

“……Yulan.”

　She also didn’t know how to protect his soft smile.


****


　Violette was a little relieved. Yulan didn’t visit Violette until after school, so she figured they wouldn’t have to see each other today. She was thinking to calm her heart down today so that she would be able to face him a little more calmly.

　She was thinking such a ridiculously optimistic thought that it bothered her.

“……What’s wrong?”(Yulan)

“Eh ……, ah, nah, it’s nothing.”(Violette)

　The confusion that appeared on Yulan’s face reflected on her eyes. But it made Violette more guilty than she already was.
　

　She felt like she was going to throw up just thinking about her yesterday night’s thought. The discomfort she felt wasn’t going to go down easily.


“Well, I mean…”

　Violette swallowed down the food that was about to come out her throat and bit her lip. She was being careful in her choice of words as well as her facial expressions.

　 She knew that in this situation, being frightened and irritated wouldn’t help her in any way. It would be easier if her memory was made of glass so that she could wipe it clean easily. But instead, it stuck to her throat like a stubborn thorn, refusing to go down. It went up and up until it mercilessly poked her mind and took recesses of the place.

　Until yesterday, she never imagined that the day would come when she would be so afraid to look in those eyes.

After all, ……

“I knew it!”(Yulan)

　The fingertips that touched her eyes were very cold. She couldn’t understand if it was Yulan’s body temperature that was low or her body was too hot.


“You didn’t sleep much last night?”(Yulan)

　Yulan looked at her in worry, as if it was him who was in pain. His gaze was tender and comforting, like soothing an injured child.

　His face, which had risen high enough because of his tall body, was far from being a child. Yulan, who had been perfected as a young man, has already graduated from being just a cute little boy to a man. Violette could understand now, he is no longer just a cute little boy.

　It was a wonderful and beautiful thing to see him grow up. His growth was a proof that a cute boy has become a nice man.

　She should have been happy about that, but for some reason, she couldn’t.

“Vio-chan, are you okay……?”

“……!”

“What happened?”

　The question, which sounded so strong with the weight of the intent in the words, no longer had a question mark.
　
　She was surprised to be noticed. But Violette didn’t want to be concerned about that.

“It’s nothing …… to worry about. I’m fine.”


　The smile that was forced probably didn’t look appropriate, and it also didn’t look okay. In fact, nothing was okay. There was a storm raging in her heart but she didn’t know how to express herself.

“I have to go. Someone is going to pick me up. You don’t have to wait for me.”

“Yeah, but…”

“See you later, Yulan.”

　Violette didn’t even have time to worry about the unnaturalness of the conversation that she had forced to break off. She was aware that he was looking at her as if he wanted to say something, but she pretended that she didn’t saw anything and left with a goodbye. Even though she knew how disrespectful it was to Yulan, who waited for a long time for her, she still wanted to get away from him as soon as possible, even if it was only for a second.

　She didn’t want to avoid him, in fact, she wanted to turn around right now and replace the things she said.

　But she didn’t know how to do it.

　Violette is happy for Yulan’s growth. She dreamed of the day when she will be able to watch him from afar as he becomes happy. That means that one day Yuran will have someone special.

　She should have known that a long time ago.

　But Violette didn’t even want to imagine that his smile, his voice, his fingertips, his heart could be given to someone other than her.

　She didn’t want to see herself like this. She didn’t want Yulan to be the only one to see her, which is such a selfish desires.













T/N: Hello readers! Sorry for the late update. The thing is, I’m loosing motivation of translating this novel. This novel has nothing, no plot, no character development, no feeling. I feel like I’m just translating some people’s monologues. So I’m thinking of dropping this, and I will drop this once I find a novel to translate. I will let you know once I officially drop this. If you guys have any suitable novel you want to be translated, feel free to recommend me.



Happy reading!