SAYE

“there will never be a second Gu Fei.”

Author: Wu Zhe, Translated by Ami <3

     Jiang Cheng thought his hands were warm, but when Gu Fei closed his eyes and a very small drop of tear fell from the corner of his eyes onto his fingertip, he still felt its warmth.

     It was a tiny warmth that carried with it Gu Fei’s emotions.

     Jiang Cheng felt like somebody had grabbed his heart and squeezed it. It was throbbing with pain.

     He didn’t say a word, nor did he know what else he could say. Gu Fei never let his emotions show. Even in front of Jiang Cheng, he would control himself as much as possible.

     This was the second time.

     The first time, Jiang Cheng saw Gu Fei at the bottom of a dark river. His eyes closed.

     The second time, he saw Gu Fei stricken down by the imminent separation and longing, just like he was.

     Jiang Cheng had nothing else to say. If he opened his mouth, he would surely devolve into a puddle of tears along with Gu Fei.

     He couldn’t cry right now. He couldn’t add to the weight of Gu Fei’s longing. He only wanted to hold Gu Fei. To let him feel his existence, lively and warm in his arms.

     It was what he wanted at this moment—to have the solid weight of Gu Fei in his own arms.

     It was very quiet in the bathroom. The only sound was the low whirring of the fan.

     Gu Fei’s tears didn’t make a sound, but his heartbeat did. Jiang Cheng didn’t know if the heartbeat was real or just a part of his imagination. Nor could he tell whether the heartbeat belonged to Gu Fei or himself.

     He closed his eyes and held Gu Fei close, gripping tightly on his clothes, as if he was trying to hold onto time itself, slowly trickling away.

     Every minute and every second.

     Time was a very annoying thing.

     Lively, yet cruel.

     After a while, Gu Fei bowed his head and nuzzled against Jiang Cheng’s shoulder. “I’m fine now. Do you wanna take a shower? Or eat first and then shower when we come back?”

     “Huh?” Jiang Cheng hadn’t yet calmed the angst that was making waves in his heart. Once again, Gu Fei’s control of his emotions was god-tier.

     Gu Fei was already patting his shoulder again. “Do you want to shower right now?”

     “I’ll just wash my face for now,” Jiang Cheng sniffled, “and shower when we come back. I can’t sleep anyways if I don’t shower before bed.”

     “Alright.” Gu Fei let go of him, then turned around and switched on the tap.

     Gu Fei splashed some water on his face, and by the time he wiped it dry and turned back around, he was already back to normal.

     “Do you want to take a shower?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “Nah, let’s shower together tonight.” Gu Fei smiled. “A couples bath.”

     Jiang Cheng tutted and laughed, “You’re the most shameless person I’ve ever met in my life.”

     “What do you mean ‘ever’,” Gu Fei said. “You’ll meet plenty of people in the future; lots and lots of ‘most’ whatevers.”

     “You are the most,” Jiang Cheng nudged him aside and said while washing his face. “The most handsome; the most intelligent; the most cool; the most adorable; the most talented, and… the one I’m most reluctant to part with.”

     “Then I can only say a-fucking-men,” Gu Fei said.

     “Fuck what?” Jiang Cheng’s mind was still a little groggy and didn’t quite comprehend.

     “You of course,” Gu Fei said with a laugh and walked out.

     “Fuck off!” It finally clicked for Jiang Cheng. “Fine if you wanna fuck but men?! What men!”

     Gu Fei couldn’t stop laughing. He walked to the window and pulled out a cigarette to hold between his lips.

     He wondered what time it was, but was too lazy to take out his phone and check. However, it was already dark outside.

     Looking up, he could see the vague contours of the night sky, and looking down, a brilliance of lights filled his view. There were fields of light made up of individual buildings and shimmering neon signs, both near and far.

     “Whatcha lookin’ at?” Jiang Cheng walked to his side.

     “The great bustling metropolis,” Gu Fei said.

     “Yeah, it’s the capital after all,” Jiang Cheng said. “If it was the Steelworks neighbourhood, it’d probably be pitch black by now.”

     “Uh huh.” Gu Fei smiled. “Not even the streetlamps would be on.”

     “Have you been here before, when you used to run out and travel by yourself?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “No.” Gu Fei shook his head. “If it wasn’t because of you, I might not ever come here.”

     “What do you mean ‘ever’,” Jiang Cheng copied what Gu Fei said earlier. “We’ll go to many other places like this in the future: big cities; small cities; on the mountain; by the sea; on the other side of the mountain and other side of the sea…” [1]

     Out of nowhere and halfway through his sentence, Jiang Cheng’s words made an inexplicably smooth segue into song.

     “There lives a group of blue smurfies…” Gu Fei continued the line even as he giggled.

     They finished changing their clothes and got ready to go to dinner.

     Jiang Cheng went to knock on Pan Zhi’s room next door, but there was no answer.

     “He’s definitely not in his room anymore at this point,” Gu Fei said. “I bet he’s in the lobby waiting to yell at us.”

     “What time is it?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “I’m scared to check my phone,” Gu Fei said. “I think Pan Zhi’s reservation’s probably cancelled. How are we going to face him?”

     “Tsk, head on and honestly,” Jiang Cheng answered.

     Pan Zhi was sitting in the lobby swiping at his phone in absolute boredom. When the two of them walked up, he was taking selfies as if he was the only one in the room.

     “Hey handsome,” Jiang Cheng called to him.

     “Fuck.” Pan Zhi stood up with an expression of relief, which proceeded to change into a more inscrutable one. “Okay alright, aren’t you two trying a little too hard to milk every minute and second? You still got a long night ahead of you after dinner. But you just had to rush things now?”

     “What do you mean?” Jiang Cheng was confused.

     “The condoms in hotel rooms are so overpriced,” Pan Zhi said as he pulled out his phone and started dialling. “Don’t you feel scammed? Wouldn’t it be better to go buy a box after dinner…”

     “The fuck?” Jiang Cheng turned to Gu Fei with a stunned expression.

     “Head on and honestly,” Gu Fei reminded him.

     “Head on your honest ass.” Jiang Cheng turned back to Pan Zhi. “We didn’t…”

     “Hello?” Pan Zhi’s call connected. “I reserved a table today… yes for Pan An! I’m… don’t cancel it! What do you mean cancel I’m heading over right now! I even called earlier for you to hold the table!”

     “My image is completely ruined,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Why do you need to maintain an image in front of your own grandson?” Gu Fei laughed as he slung an arm around Jiang Cheng’s shoulders.

     “Jiejie!” Pan Zhi, who a moment ago was assertively loud, suddenly changed his tone. “Jiejie, don’t cancel it, alright? I promise I’m coming. I’ll be there in ten minutes, really. Please help me, ask the other group to wait for another table. I have guests here—very important guests. It has to do with my honour…”

     Jiang Cheng and Gu Fei stood outside the hotel, watching the traffic stream by, and waiting for Pan Zhi to turn the tide on the cancelled reservation that was going to go to a group of diners who were already at the restaurant.

     Two minutes later, Pan Zhi waved at them. “Hurry, let’s go. It’s right up ahead.”

     “They’re saving it for us?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “For ten minutes.” Pan Zhi checked the time. “You two are really testing my social skills.”

     “We…” Jiang Cheng wanted to say they really didn’t make use of the condoms in the hotel room, but upon further reflection couldn’t find a way to explain why they had taken so long, so he didn’t continue.

     “Wait for me for one second.” Pan Zhi suddenly ran into a flower shop nearby.

     When he came back out, it was with a stem of very beautifully wrapped rose in his hand.

     “What’s this for?” Jiang Cheng looked at him.

     “It’s not for you two,” Pan Zhi said.

     “I wouldn’t want it even if you kneeled down and begged me to take it,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Not even if you kowtow,” Gu Fei said.

     “Why would someone so principled and moral as me ever kneel down and beg you!” Pan Zhi said before glaring at Gu Fei. “You two sure are a good match!”

     The restaurant was not too far away. It was a Szechuan restaurant, and business was booming. No wonder they would cancel the reservation once the time had passed. It was a rarity for such a hotspot to accept reservations at all.

     “Hello, for how many people?” the host asked with a smile.

     “I have a reservation, under the surname Pan,” Pan Zhi said.

     “Ah Mr. Pan—your table is on the second floor. If you’ll please follow…” The host didn’t get to finish before Pan Zhi interrupted.

     “Who’s the one who answered my call before?” Pan Zhi asked.

     “That would be our receptionist at the counter.” The host pointed to the side.

     “The one on the phone over there?” Pan Zhi glanced that way.

     “Yes.” The host nodded.

     “You two go up first,” Pan Zhi turned back to Jiang Cheng, “I’ll be just a minute.”

     “You…” Jiang Cheng glanced over at the counter. The young woman currently on the phone did look kind of pretty. Jiang Cheng sighed and turned back to the host. “Second floor, right?”

     “Yes. Second floor, table 35. There will be a server on the second floor to take you to your table,” the host said.

     As they walked up the stairs, Jiang Cheng turned his head again for another look. Pan Zhi was already at the counter, extending the rose in his hand toward the young woman who answered his call earlier. The young woman blinked at him in surprise, but after Pan Zhi said something to her, she suddenly started smiling timidly.

     “Is he always like this?” Gu Fei was also looking back that way. “Like he’s got it down to a T.”

     “Uh huh,” Jiang Cheng cracked up laughing, “he’s been like this since middle school—extremely shameless.”

     “Don’t learn from him,” Gu Fei said very seriously.

     “This isn’t something to be learned,” Jiang Cheng also replied very seriously. “This kind of ability is innate and from the womb. He’d experienced a broken heart as early as in kindergarten.”

     “Damn.” Gu Fei laughed.

     Pan Zhi finally came upstairs after adding the young woman as a WeChat contact, and sat down across from them. “Have you ordered?”

     “Waiting for you to order,” Jiang Cheng said. “We don’t know this place.”

     “Did you see that girl just now?” Pan Zhi flipped through the menu. “Really cute. And the way she talks too, all staccato like.”

     Neither Jiang Cheng nor Gu Fei said anything. They just looked at him in unison.

     “Right, that was a girl,” Pan Zhi said.

     “I also don’t have the habit of staring at guys wherever I go.” Jiang Cheng took a sip of his tea.

     “Okayyy, I know you’re both hyper-focused on each other,” Pan Zhi sighed. “But that only comes after the first encounter. If I don’t look around, how will I meet the person I want to focus on, right?”

     “Perfect logic, I can’t even rebut that.” Jiang Cheng chuckled.

     “Am I wrong? Take him for example.” Pan Zhi pointed at Gu Fei. “How far did you have to go, just to run into him.”

     Jiang Cheng glanced at Gu Fei and didn’t answer.

     “Although,” Pan Zhi waved the server over to order, “I do have a one-up on you guys at the moment: I don’t have to experience the angst of separation. If I’m not serious, then I won’t be upset. Better to just enjoy myself first.”

     “It’s not up to you to decide when and if you’re going to get serious,” Gu Fei said.

     “You looking down on me?” Pan Zhi looked at him.

     “I’ll be waiting to see.” Gu Fei looked back at Pan Zhi through a circle he made with his fingers.

     Jiang Cheng didn’t know when Pan Zhi would feel upset, but he knew that he himself had already been upset for a long time—from a faint sense of unease, to intentional evasion, to waves of panic when he could no longer hide from reality, to now.

     He didn’t even want to glimpse the time on his phone, didn’t want to see with his own eyes how time had taken away the shared moments he had with Gu Fei bit by bit.

     After dinner, and after returning to their room and taking a shower, the two of them sat in bed and watched TV.

     Most of the time was spent in silence, with the occasional exchange on some unrelated topic.

     When finally Gu Fei turned off the TV and the lights, Jiang Cheng laid down and wrapped himself around Gu Fei, with one leg on the other’s body, and closed his eyes.

     Perhaps because of their shared sleepless night the day before, they quickly fell asleep as soon as the lights were off.

     Jiang Cheng was even a little annoyed when he opened his eyes in the morning. He almost felt like he had wasted the night.

     “Pan Zhi said there’s breakfast. They can bring it to the room,” Gu Fei said. “Do you want to eat now? If you do, I’ll call for room service to bring it up?”

     “Mhm.” Jiang Cheng snuggled up to Gu Fei and plastered himself to him.

     “After breakfast is just in time for your registration. We can walk over,” Gu Fei said again.

     “Uh huh,” Jiang Cheng answered with his eyes closed.

     The hotel was very close to the school. Pan Zhi did not tag along with them to registration. He went back to his own school after checking out, and said helpfully before he left, “Your train is tomorrow morning, right Gu Fei? The subway entrance is right there—you can take the subway over.”

     “Alright.” Gu Fei nodded.

     “I won’t come see you off then,” Pan Zhi said. “And you two, try not to be too… you know. It’s less than a month until the next holiday.”

     “Hurry up and go,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Scum-boy,” Pan Zhi said.

     “Go already, supporting male number whatever.” Jiang Cheng laughed.

     After Pan Zhi left, Jiang Cheng let out a small sigh.

     His mind had been filled with the thought that Gu Fei was leaving “the day after tomorrow”. The words “tomorrow morning” coming from Pan Zhi’s mouth gave his heart a little quake.

     Not the day after tomorrow—but tomorrow. First thing tomorrow morning, actually.

     Starting the next morning, he would be by himself. In this strange city and amongst a strange crowd.

     Jiang Cheng didn’t talk much. Meanwhile, Gu Fei couldn’t find anything to say either, and so opted for silence.

     They walked down the street, and didn’t take long before they reached R University. Gu Fei suddenly felt a little anxious—an unsettling feeling that he didn’t belong.

     Very rarely would he ever feel like that, but in this moment, he experienced it with a sharp clarity.

     There were many new students and parents all around them. Joy and pride was written on every one of their faces. They were just like Jiang Cheng—overachieving students of various kinds.

     Gu Fei glanced at Jiang Cheng, whose face was very calm. He must be feeling very different things than I am right now, Gu Fei thought. This was the place where Jiang Cheng would begin his new life—in an elite program at one of the top universities.

     Jiang Cheng was his pride, and also the source of a nagging sense of panic beginning to emerge in him.

     “Let’s go over there and ask how registration works,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Yeah.” Gu Fei nodded and followed him through the crowd.

     It was bustling and lively in front of the law school building. There were tables set up under a ring of temporary sunshades, where many volunteers stood answering questions from incoming students. Beside them were various posters and display boards to welcome the freshmen, many of whom were taking pictures in front of the displays.

     Gu Fei didn’t squeeze to the front of the tables with Jiang Cheng. Instead, he stood at the edge of the crowd and looked in.

     Very quickly, one of the girls led Jiang Cheng to a nearby table. Jiang Cheng looked back in Gu Fei’s direction as he walked away, and Gu Fei lifted a hand at him.

     Jiang Cheng gave him a little wave, beckoning him over.

     “This is where you register?” Gu Fei walked to his side.

     “Yeah.” Jiang Cheng nodded. “There’s a lot of things to prepare though. Gotta show them my ID, my acceptance letter, my exam card… Then I have to pick up my check-in slip and use that to do the rest of the paperwork.”

     “Mhm.” Gu Fei looked around at the people beside them.

     “Don’t get too far from me,” Jiang Cheng said quietly as he pulled documents out of his bag. “No more than five steps away.”

     “What’s wrong?” Gu Fei smiled at him.

     “Nothing’s wrong,” Jiang Cheng said. “I just feel more settled when I can see you.”

     “Alright.” Gu Fei squeezed Jiang Cheng’s shoulder.

     Jiang Cheng turned back and continued his registration process while Gu Fei stood behind him and watched. Every time Jiang Cheng moved, Gu Fei would follow.

     Whether it was verifying his information, checking in for registration, or paying his tuition, all of it went fairly quickly and painlessly with the help of the volunteers. When all that was done, Jiang Cheng walked up to Gu Fei with a pile of things in his arms and said, “Hold this for a second.”

     There were receipts, the campus passcard, student ID, school coat of arms… and a few invitations from campus clubs as well as promotional cards from the other colleges. It was a lot of stuff. Gu Fei put all this into a separate compartment in Jiang Cheng’s bag. “What now?”

     “To the dorm. My room’s on the first floor, which is nice—I won’t have to climb stairs anymore.” Jiang Cheng grinned. “A senior student will take us there in a bit.”

     “Can I go in?” Gu Fei asked.

     “Sure. Normally we’d need to tap the passcard, but this week there are a lot of parents around, so everyone’s allowed inside.” Jiang Cheng looked at him. “Hey, you’re my parent.”

     Gu Fei didn’t say anything, only gave a little smile.

     One of the senior students who might also be a volunteer walked over to them, with a few other male students and their parents in tow.

     “Jiang Cheng,” the senior called to him, “let’s go. I’ll take you to your dorms.”

     “Okay,” Jiang Cheng answered.

     The other guys were all students in the same program as him. They started chatting easily along the way, with common icebreakers such as where everyone was from and what score they had gotten. Jiang Cheng wasn’t much for small talk, but the others were chatting up a storm.

     “Oh hey,” one of the guys looked at Gu Fei, “let’s introduce ourselves. My name is Zhang Ping, what about you? Where are you from?”

     “I’m… not a new student.” Gu Fei suddenly felt a little awkward.

     “Our senior?” Zhang Ping continued asking.

     “My friend,” Jiang Cheng said. “He came with me.”

     “Oh, your friend.” Zhang Ping nodded with a smile, then asked again, “What school are you going to?”

     Gu Fei wasn’t sure how to answer this question. He didn’t mind telling anyone the name of his school, but in this group of R University students, only Jiang Cheng would recognize the name of the Normal School he was going to.

     He was suddenly at a loss as to how to deal with this kind of situation.

     “A Normal School in our hometown,” Jiang Cheng said. “He came all this way just to keep me company.”

     “Ah, that’s real solid friendship right there,” Zhang Ping said.

     Jiang Cheng nodded with a smile, and slowed his steps until he was walking with Gu Fei at the back of the group.

     The senior took them to the dormitory building, and helped each of them find their rooms before he left.

     The two of them walked into Jiang Cheng’s dorm. Apparently this building was one of the ones with the nicer amenities, and this was proven true in person. All of the beds were bunks on top and a desk on the bottom, and there were four to a room.

     Someone had already arrived in their room—a young man and his mom and dad were in the middle of wiping down the desks.

     “Hi,” Jiang Cheng greeted them, “I’m Jiang Cheng.”

     “Zhao Ke.” The guy turned his head and pointed at a bunk by the window. “Your bed’s over there, I already wiped it clean for you.”

     “Oh, thank you,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “You’re welcome,” Zhao Ke said before directing his gaze over to Gu Fei.

     “I’m his friend,” Gu Fei said.

     “Oh.” Zhao Ke nodded, then said to his parents, “I said I’ll come by myself. See, other people didn’t have their parents come along with them.”

     “We’re just treating this as a getaway trip,” his mom said. “You guys be good, okay? You’ll be in the same dorm from now on, so please take care of one another. If there are any problems, don’t hit each other, just fight it out verbally.”

     “… Oh.” Jiang Cheng answered.

     “Where’s your stuff?” Zhao Ke asked.

     “I won’t be moving in until tomorrow. I’ll bring everything then,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Oh.” Zhao Ke went back to wiping the desks.

     After looking around the room, Gu Fei went with Jiang Cheng to look around and outside the dormitory building, to get familiar with the surroundings.

     “There’s a supermarket,” Jiang Cheng said. “It’ll be convenient for buying food.”

     “Yeah.” Gu Fei smiled. “Your first reaction is about the food? It’s not like they sell the great pork belly there.”

     “Don’t mention pork belly, I’m hungry…” Jiang Cheng pressed on his stomach. “Come on, let’s go find something to eat.”

     “Not gonna walk around campus some more?” Gu Fei asked.

     “I can do it later. Lots of time for that, years even,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Yeah.” Gu Fei nodded.

     As they walked back the way they came toward the main gate, Jiang Cheng kept looking around them. Gu Fei could tell that though Jiang Cheng wasn’t in the best of moods, he still felt excited and curious about this long-anticipated university campus.

     Gu Fei was looking too. It was the place where Jiang Cheng would be spending many years. Every glance he took, every frame he seared into his mind, would make his eventual imagining of Jiang Cheng’s campus life all the more real.

     However, with every detail he took in, it also increased the lurking panic in his heart.

     Difference.

     This kind of practical difference shown right before his eyes was much more obvious than anything he’d imagined before.

     It was in the loftiness exhibited by the not-so-aesthetic but clearly aged buildings on campus, and the innate confidence so naturally exuded by the senior students walking about.

     Gu Fei had been in low spirits ever since registration earlier. Jiang Cheng could feel it acutely in his diminishing smiles and growing silence.

     It might’ve been due to their imminent parting, or maybe… Jiang Cheng suddenly regretted having Gu Fei come with him all this way. Any kind of reaction from Gu Fei tore at his heart.

     He glanced at the person beside him. Gu Fei had his head turned away to look at something.

     “Boyfriend,” Jiang Cheng bumped gently against his shoulder, “what do you want to eat?”

     “Whatever my boyfriend wants.” Gu Fei turned to him and smiled.

     “I don’t know either.” Jiang Cheng pulled out his phone. “Let’s see what’s around here?”

     “Sure.” Gu Fei nodded.

     “Gu Fei,” Jiang Cheng said as he swiped away on his phone. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking about?”

     “Hm?” Gu Fei blinked.

     “You’re unhappy. Aside from the fact that you’re leaving tomorrow,” Jiang Cheng stared intently at his phone, “is there some other reason?”

     “… Yes,” Gu Fei said.

     “What is it?” Jiang Cheng cocked his head to look at Gu Fei.

     Gu Fei was quiet for a few seconds before turning to look back at him. “That Zhao Ke.”

     “Huh?” Jiang Cheng was caught off guard.

     “He’s very good looking huh,” Gu Fei said.

     “Who?” Jiang Cheng was still very confused.

     “Zhao Ke,” Gu Fei said.

     “Zhao Ke?” Jiang Cheng glared at him. “What the shit. Where did you meet someone new in such a short span of time? And ‘good looking’ too??”

     “… You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Gu Fei couldn’t help laughing. “Cheng-ge, can your overachieving brain spare some IQ points to the ‘unimportant things’? Your roommate! Zhao Ke!”

     “Fuck.” Jiang Cheng was still glaring at him. “His name is Zhao Ke? I don’t even know if I forgot or if I never even remembered it in the first place!”

     “Well hurry up and remember, otherwise how awkward would it be when you go back tomorrow and not even remember the guy’s name,” Gu Fei said.

     “Oh, Zhao Ke… Zhao Ke.” Jiang Cheng thought about it for a moment. “Was he good looking… To be honest, I didn’t really take a close look…”

     Gu Fei sighed amidst his laughter.

     “Is this you getting pre-jelly?” Jiang Cheng asked him.

     “Mhm.” Gu Fei nodded.

     “Bull-hoppity-shit.” Jiang Cheng’s brows were furrowed.

     “Come on, be civilized. Don’t forget, you’re a student of an elite university.” Gu Fei put his arm around Jiang Cheng’s shoulders.

     “I know what you’re thinking, but fine, bottle it in if you don’t want to say it. You’re like that anyways,” Jiang Cheng said. “Just remember this.”

     “Mhm.” Gu Fei looked at him.

     “I don’t like that shitty little city, and I can’t stand the people in that shitty neighbourhood,” Jiang Cheng said. “But I still can’t bear to leave that place—the city, and the Steelworks—because that’s where I picked you out.”

     Gu Fei was quiet.

     “Wherever I go, I will always be able to pick you out with a single glance,” Jiang Cheng said. “You’re not like the others—I’ve said it before—you’re not like anyone else. I know you said that I’ll meet lots of other people, but no matter how many new people I meet, there will never be a second Gu Fei.”

Footnote

[1] The Chinese theme song for The Smurfs … ⇡