SAYE

Look! Back!

Author: Wu Zhe, Translated by Ami <3

     After lunch, the two of them spent some time around the outside of the campus, as an after-meal-stroll. Gu Fei said Jiang Cheng should familiarize himself with the surroundings, but Jiang Cheng didn’t think that was necessary.

     Based on his current state of mind, he wasn’t even in the mood to walk around inside the campus, let alone go out to explore the neighbourhood. He could already imagine his daily timeline for the foreseeable future: go to class; eat; and sleep.

     And think about Gu Fei.

     They were going from spending every day and night together, seeing the other person as soon as they opened their eyes in the morning, to not being able to see nor touch each other.

     The distance between them would be much more than a mere hours long train ride, and much more than the twenty or so days from now until October 1st.

     They went back to the hotel after the walk. On the way back Jiang Cheng made a total of three wrong turns.

     “I think it’s best if you try not to go off campus unless you have to,” Gu Fei said while lying on the bed swiping at his phone. “Or you’d risk getting lost.”

     “Can’t I just ask someone for the way back.” Jiang Cheng flopped down beside Gu Fei. “Besides, I’m really not in much of a mood to go out.”

     “It’ll be better once you adapt. You’ll get used to it eventually. So many people cry their hearts out from homesickness when they first go to school, but don’t they all turn out fine in the end?” Gu Fei pulled Jiang Cheng’s shirt up a little and caressed his back. “It’ll get better once you get closer with your classmates.”

     “You think I’m the sort of person who will easily get close with other people?” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Well, you’ll at least get closer to the people in your dorm room.” Gu Fei smiled. “You might have a hot temper, but you are very reasonable under normal circumstances.”

     “Hopefully.” Jiang Cheng closed his eyes. “Massage my lower back, boyfriend.”

     “Nope,” Gu Fei refused. “I’ll probably feel something if I do, but I’m not really in the mood to roll around at the moment. What if the psychosomatic rollercoaster ends up affecting my sexual prowess…”

     “What the fuck shut your mouth.” Jiang Cheng pushed himself up in bed and glared at Gu Fei. “If I call you shameless right now, would you have a problem with that?”

     “I’ve never had a problem with that,” Gu Fei laughed. “I’m only saying that you’re just as shameless.”

     “Oh piss off.” Jiang Cheng flopped back onto the pillow. “Me—a pure and innocent young man.”

     “Hey, have you ever seen this cartoon—I don’t remember what it’s called, but I remember how the song goes,” Gu Fei said.

     “Sing it for me, I might know it,” Jiang Cheng said.

     Gu Fei cleared his throat and began: “Little mousy little mousy wears a blue shirt, squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak…”

     “Big face kitty cat with long whiskers, meow meowmeow meow      meowmeow meow…” Jiang Cheng immediately continued the next line. “How can you not know this—it’s The Big-Faced Kitty and the Blue-Skinned Mouse.” 

     “One has a tail that’s long and thin, squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak; one has a face that’s larger than life, meow meow meow meow meow.” Gu Fei looked at Jiang Cheng. “Is it Big-Faced Kitty? It’s really not called Jiang Chengcheng and the Blue-Skinned Mouse?” [1]

     “Fucking… shit!” Jiang Cheng finally made the connection, and was shaken to his core. “Gu Fei I really have got to hand it to you! To go to such a roundabout length just for an insult. Why don’t you go and fly a lap around the sun before coming back here?”

     “The sun’s not out right now,” Gu Fei said.

     Jiang Cheng couldn’t help cracking up, then collapsed into laughter on his pillow. “Fuck.”

     While Gu Fei wasn’t in the mood for rolling in the sheets, Jiang Cheng felt like he was the same, despite still wanting very much to hold Gu Fei; to kiss, bite, lick, and knead… But more than giving in to that kind of wild abandon, he wanted them to lie peacefully beside each other, and talk, or just stay quiet.

     Even though staying conscious meant he could clearly feel the pain that came before a parting, the consciousness also allowed him to better savour the minute details of the time he had with Gu Fei.

     Some things were already engrained deeply into his memory, yet he couldn’t help but try to hold on even tighter to it, afraid that it would be forgotten in an instant once he turned around. And to forget even a tiny fraction of a moment would certainly be most unbearable.

     Neither of them really slept that night. This time, Jiang Cheng didn’t try to put up a front and fake his slumber. As soon as Gu Fei moved, he would move too: when Gu Fei rolled to the right, he would also roll to his right side and hold him; when Gu Fei rolled to the left, he would quickly roll to his left side, then pull Gu Fei’s arms from behind to wrap around himself.

     “Cheng-ge,” Gu Fei chuckled quietly, “I can sleep for a while on the train tomorrow, but will you be able to sleep in your dorm? With people going in and out all the time?”

     “I don’t need to sleep,” Jiang Cheng said. “I only slept four to five hours each day while I was studying for the exams, and I didn’t die then. Don’t you worry about me.”

     “I’ll switch my phone plan when I get back for one with more data,” Gu Fei said.

     “Yeah, I’ll get a different plan too,” Jiang Cheng said. “That’s all we have to rely on in the future… Oh right, can you discuss this with Gu Miao? Change your WeChat icon to your own photo so I can see your face whenever you send a message.”

     “Alright,” Gu Fei said.

     “Oh yeah.” After another second of thought, Jiang Cheng pulled out his own phone.

     “Hey,” Gu Fei said as he lifted a hand to block the light from the suddenly lit screen. “There, you’ve successfully chased away the last trace of my sleepiness.”

     “Is good sir not going to sleep on the train tomorrow?” Jiang Cheng tapped open his WeChat. “I’m gonna change my chat background. Here, can you pick a photo for me?”

     Jiang Cheng’s banner on his WeChat Moments was already a photo of the two of them. Gu Fei picked the selfie he took that day on the rooftop and set it as Jiang Cheng’s chat background.

     “Super hot,” Jiang Cheng said. “Change yours too.”

     “Mhm.” Gu Fei reached for his own phone. “I only have my icon left to change.”

     “Hm?” Jiang Cheng turned to him. “When did you do the rest?”

     “The other day when I was with Gu Miao. Didn’t have anything else to do so I changed all my display pictures. I have more photos here than you do anyways,” Gu Fei said. “And I take better pictures.”

     “Shit.” Jiang Cheng laughed. “I never complained about your looks.”

     After changing out the pictures, they both lost any desire for sleep completely and proceeded to chat on and off, while holding each other until the sun came up.

     It wasn’t wholly accurate to say that Jiang Cheng wasn’t sleepy. He must’ve been a little muddled, because after getting out of bed, washing up, and having breakfast, Jiang Cheng once again felt the emotions that had been kept at bay all of last night.

     Now that he was totally awake, the unbearable longing was finally starting to slowly wash over him like a rising tide.

     Since Gu Fei’s train was early in the morning, it might be disruptive to the others if Jiang Cheng went to put his luggage back in the dorm at this hour, so he stored it with the front desk at the hotel to fetch once he came back.

     “Let’s go. To the train station.” After thanking the front desk, Jiang Cheng grabbed Gu Fei’s bag and walked out of the hotel.

     Gu Fei only brought one set of clothes to change, so his bag was very light, just like Jiang Cheng’s steps right then, airy and ungrounded.

     “I’ll hold it.” Gu Fei caught up to him.

     “No.” Jiang Cheng slung the bag over his shoulder.

     Gu Fei didn’t pursue the matter.

     Neither of them spoke again as they entered then exited the subway.

     There was still so much to say to each other, but nothing was said the entire way.

     They didn’t get to the train station too early. After finding the right departure gate, they didn’t have to stand there for very long before the announcement came for the passengers to enter.

     “Go on in.” Jiang Cheng handed the bag to Gu Fei.

     “I can wait a little longer.” Gu Fei checked the time. “I’ll go after this group goes in, so I won’t have to squeeze with them.”

     “Alright.” Jiang Cheng nodded.

     “I’ll have to go register too, when I get back there, and see what the school has planned. If there’s nothing else, then I’ll pick a weekend to come see you,” Gu Fei said.

     “Okay,” Jiang Cheng answered.

     “Honestly, it’s not that much trouble to come here,” Gu Fei said. “Start first thing in the morning and I’ll be here just after noon. Then I can leave in the evening of the next day.”

     “Yeah.” Jiang Cheng rubbed his nose.

     “The guy from yesterday is named Zhao Ke,” Gu Fei said.

     “Yeah,” Jiang Cheng started laughing, “I didn’t forget. He’s also rather good looking, right?”

     “Yes,” Gu Fei said. “Very good looking.”

     Jiang Cheng tutted and said, “I’ll hurry back to the dorm later to check it out.”

     “What’s the rush?” Gu Fei tutted as well. “You’ll be able to watch him for years to come, and might even catch a nude version.”

     “You ass.” Jiang Cheng burst out laughing.

     There were a lot fewer people going through the gate at this point; the announcement was still repeating the departure information.

     “You should go,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Yeah.” Gu Fei turned and glanced in the direction of the gate, but didn’t make a move.

     “You should go,” Jiang Cheng said again.

     “Don’t you fucking rush me,” Gu Fei said.

     “I’m about to have a fucking breakdown,” Jiang Cheng said.

     Gu Fei sighed softly. “I’m going in then. I’ll message you once the train starts moving.”

     “Message me as soon as you sit down,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Okay,” Gu Fei answered.

     “Don’t look back at me when you go,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Understood.” Gu Fei nodded.

     They didn’t say anything more. Gu Fei paused for a few seconds, then turned and walked toward the departure gate.

     Jiang Cheng stared at Gu Fei’s receding figure, watching as he took one step after another.

     Look back.

     I can’t believe you’re not looking back.

     Ahhh fucking look back. I’m still standing right here?

     Don’t look back.

     Out in the public like this, what if I break down in tears once you look back… It’d be way too embarrassing.

     Look! Back!

     Gu Fei’s backpack carrying figure disappeared from view.

     Jiang Cheng hastily walked a few steps to the side, and was only in time to catch a glimpse of the bag Gu Fei carried just as he turned the corner.

     Gu Fei never once looked back—didn’t even give him a side profile—and had walked very briskly. Jiang Cheng felt like he’d only blinked three times before he could no longer see him anymore.

     So obedient.

     He really didn’t look back.

     But I didn’t tell him to walk so quickly. Why did he have to walk so quickly?

     Jiang Cheng let out a quiet sigh and turned to walk away.

     It was quite a long way from the departure gate to the entrance of the subway station. Jiang Cheng hadn’t noticed on the way there, but coming out now he realized that try as he might, he still couldn’t find his way.

     Looking at the direction arrows… He’d gone in the opposite direction.

     Jiang Cheng immediately turned to go back, but after walking for what felt like four kilometres, he still didn’t manage to get to the right place.

     His phone vibrated once—a message from Gu Fei.

     – I just sat down, there’s a very fat uncle beside me, I feel like his flesh is spilling over to my seat

     Jiang Cheng laughed for a long time at his screen. When paired with Gu Fei’s backlit side profile in his chat background, he could practically see the way Gu Fei looked as he said this.

     – are you in the subway yet

     Gu Fei sent him another message.

     – I haven’t found the way out

     A second later, Gu Fei’s call came in: “Looks like a sense of direction and short-term geographical memory really has nothing to do with intellect huh?”

     “I’ve come all the way back to the departure gate,” Jiang Cheng said with a laugh.

     “Look down,” Gu Fei said. “Are there arrows on the floor?”

     “Uh huh,” Jiang Cheng said as he looked down.

     “Follow the arrows then, young man,” Gu Fei said.

     The phone call from Gu Fei made Jiang Cheng’s rock-bottom mood much lighter.

     In the past, whenever Gu Fei didn’t spend the night at Jiang Cheng’s apartment, they would also call each other all the time, and for a long time. Jiang Cheng suddenly felt a sense of familiarity, as though Gu Fei was still by his side.

     He threw his head back and took in several large breaths, then shook his arms.

     Back to campus.

     Time for his new life to start.

     “When will you arrive?” Li Yan asked.

     “One-thirty probably,” Gu Fei said. “Are you taking Liu Fan’s car?”

     “Yeah,” Li Yan answered. “He wanted to go too, so he’s driving.”

     “Wouldn’t it be too uncomfortable to squish four people in that crappy car?” Gu Fei sighed.

     “Er-Miao doesn’t take up any room,” Li Yan said. “We’re going straight to the restaurant after picking you up. Called ahead and everything.”

     “Can’t it be tomorrow?” Gu Fei glanced out the window. The platform was already empty, aside from a single train attendant still standing there.

     “Cannot,” Li Yan said. “I worry that without some kind of intervention, you’re not going to make it past tonight.”

     “You think I’m like you?” Gu Fei said.

     “I know you far too well,” Li Yan said. “Aren’t you just gonna keep it all bottled up inside, let the pressure build up until you die.”

     “… I’ll call you when I’m almost there,” Gu Fei said.

     “Okay,” Li Yan answered.

     Gu Fei had just hung up and put the phone back in his pocket when the train started moving slowly forward.

     He was a little surprised, and wondered if the announcer didn’t mention that the train was departing, or if he just didn’t hear it.

     It could only be the latter.

     A phone call with Li Yan wasn’t enough to distract him to such an extent that he didn’t hear the announcement.

     His jumbled mess of a mind was the only reason.

     Don’t look back at me when you go. Jiang Cheng had said.

     Even if Jiang Cheng hadn’t said that, Gu Fei still wouldn’t have looked back. He was afraid that if he did, his boyfriend with the hyperactive tear gland would start bawling at the departure gate.

     Then, he might also fail to hold it in.

     Imagine two big-ass dudes, each situated on either side of a departure gate, crying at each other… It would certainly be a captivating scene.

     He didn’t want people to see this.

     From the moment he stepped onto the train, to calling Jiang Cheng, to receiving Li Yan’s call, until the train started moving just now, Gu Fei had been in a state of partial numbness.

     Stifling.

     No idea what he was even thinking about.

     He didn’t know if what he felt right now was longing, or anguish, or if it was something else.

     Stifling. To the point of hollowness.

     On the way here, he had Jiang Cheng on his left hand side. Now when he turned his head left, he saw only the large uncle and his cheek that almost completely eclipsed his nose.

     Gu Fei could only keep his head turned to the right to look out the window.

     The scenery outside started retreating backward at an increasing speed. He felt a little dizzy after staring at the nearby view for too long.

     After dragging over the curtain to stuff under his head, Gu Fei leaned against the window and closed his eyes.

     The train shot forth at high speed, and the distance between him and Jiang Cheng widened little by little.

     There and back. Two opposite directions. He had accompanied Jiang Cheng to where he wanted to go, then turned around to run back to the little city where he had lived for 19 years. And where he would continue to live.

     He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what this feeling was. Though in reality, it didn’t feel like anything at all.

     Nor were there any emotions. All his emotions: happiness; anger; sorrow; joy; dejection; loneliness; all of that disappeared the moment he turned around and walked into the departure gate.

     I step onto thin air, I feel like I am flying.

     Upwards is the unknown, I look down and hear you tell me this is an empty world.

     He reached into his bag and rummaged for a long time before finding a milk candy in a side pouch, which he unwrapped and put in his mouth.

     Then he took out his phone and sent a message to Jiang Cheng.

     – the train’s moving, boyfriend

     – pay attention to your bag when you’re catching up on sleep

     Jiang Cheng’s reply came very quickly. He probably kept his phone in his hand the whole time.

     – alright

     – tell me when you get there

     – mm, Li Yan and Liu Fan are coming to pick me up with Er-Miao, I’m going to have lunch with them

     – I’m going to the school cafeteria for lunch, see how the food is

     – alright, I’ll snooze for a bit then

     – okayy

     Jiang Cheng had his phone in his hand the entire way, in case Gu Fei sent him a message and he didn’t hear it. He only put the phone back in his pocket after their little chat.

     It was only then that he had the presence of mind to look around him. It had been a long time, he felt, since he’d seen so many people.

     The skyscrapers; the busy roads with streams of cars; the throngs of people that squeezed past him on all sides—it had been quite some time since he walked away from this kind of prosperity and bustling.

     Jiang Cheng had spent all his time around the Steel Works neighbourhood for the past year and a half. It wasn’t as obvious during the day, but after dinner, the people and cars on the street would gradually vanish at a visible rate. After that, the only things enshrouding that place seemingly forgotten by time was quiet and desolation.

     But now, thrown back into the midst of all this noise as if suddenly seeing the sun again for the first time, he was having trouble adjusting.

     There were too many sounds in his ears, and too many things in his view. It was moments like this when he would subconsciously worry that he would turn around and not see Gu Fei anymore.

     … Though that was indeed the case now.

     After picking up his things from the hotel, Jiang Cheng slowly walked himself back to the dorm, as if dragging a suitcase full of gloom.

     It would seem that his roommates had all arrived. Except for his desk and bunk, there were things on all the other beds and desks. However, he didn’t see anyone other than Zhao Ke, who was on his computer.

     After greeting him, Jiang Cheng glanced at the computer screen and was surprised to find that Zhao Ke was playing a desktop version of Lian Lian Kan. [2]

     “You…” At that moment, Jiang Cheng’s brain was so slow he felt like it was filled with glue. He was barely able to stop himself from blurting out the word “idiotic”. “Like playing this?”

     “Mhm,” Zhao Ke answered, probably too focused to say much else. His hand clacked busily away at the mouse, as though he was participating in some international e-sports competition.

     After putting his stuff away, Jiang Cheng was at a loss as to what he should do next.

     Gu Fei was probably catching up on sleep just then, so he didn’t want to message and wake him… After spacing out for a long while in front of his desk, Jiang Cheng opened his suitcase again and took out his laptop.

     He could organize all the photos Gu Fei had taken.

     Having set the laptop on his desk and sat down, he noticed there was something stuck between the screen and the keyboard. He was stunned when he opened the lid and saw what it was.

     A red envelope?

     What the shit?

     Gu Fei left the lucky money I’d given him here?

     When did Gu Fei find the red envelope?

     How is that possible!

     Jiang Cheng hastily picked up the red envelope. Once it was in his hands, he realized it wasn’t the one he left for Gu Fei. That one had the words “Best of Luck and Fortune” written on it, whereas the writing on this one said… “Wishing You a Long Life”.

     Gu Fei had left this for him.

     His fingers trembled hard as he opened the envelope, though he didn’t know what there was to tremble about.

     There was a stack of bills inside.

     He counted it—a total of 8000 yuan, just like what he had left for Gu Fei.

     How synchronous of us, boyfriend.

     He could hardly describe how he felt at that moment: an urge to laugh, but after staring no more than three seconds at the stack of bills, tears poured out instead.

     Nearby, Zhao Ke turned to give him a glance, but didn’t say anything as he turned back to his game.

     Jiang Cheng stuffed the money back into the envelope, and without regard for his appearance, grabbed a tissue and pressed it to his eyes. After he forcefully pushed the tears back, he used it to blow his nose too.

     Zhao Ke quickly reached out a leg and kicked a small wastebasket over.

     Jiang Cheng tossed the tissue inside, then as he recovered, finally felt a little embarrassed.

     Based on the way he acted just now, Zhao Ke probably thought he had gone mad for want of money.

     “A windfall?” Zhao Ke asked.

     “Uh huh,” Jiang Cheng answered. It was certainly unexpected.

     “Must be quite a large sum,” Zhao Ke turned and looked at him, “to be moved to tears like that.”

     Begone.

     Jiang Cheng turned to face him as well.

     “You weren’t moved to tears?” Zhao Ke asked.

     Jiang Cheng didn’t say anything.

     “Before I came, my older sister stuffed 2000 yuan into my hands,” Zhao Ke continued playing the idiotic Lian Lian Kan, “and moved herself to tears.”

     Jiang Cheng didn’t really plan on saying any more, but he couldn’t help but laugh at that.

     Zhao Ke started a new round of clack-clack-clacking, and didn’t continue the conversation.

     Jiang Cheng took out his phone, snapped a picture of the red envelope, and sent it to Gu Fei.

     – thanks boyfriend

     He didn’t want to ask Gu Fei why he had given him money, nor did he want to be so pretentious as to say something like “I don’t need the money, why don’t you keep it for yourself”. No matter what reason Gu Fei had for giving it to him, and regardless of whether he actually needed it, the money felt like a little warm furnace placed in his heart. 

     Gu Fei had probably been sleeping. It was a few minutes later when he sent back a reply.

     – don’t hold yourself back when you’re craving the great pork belly

     – mhm, are you catching up on snooze?

     – not too much, I’m drifting in and out, there’s a kid behind me who keeps crying

     – poor baby

     – are you in the dorm?

     – yeah, just me and Zhao Ke, the other two aren’t here

     – ooooooh

     – ooooooh your ass

     – did you get a good look at him?

     – I would’ve forgotten if you hadn’t mentioned it, I’ll check it out later

     They chatted like this for more than an hour. By the time the crying child on Gu Fei’s end fell asleep, Jiang Cheng finally put down his phone and let Gu Fei go back to his nap.

     He leaned back in the chair and stretched his back.

     This was his life now, stealing moments whether free or not to send messages. And if he really couldn’t bear it anymore they could video-call…

     “Wanna go have a walk around?” Zhao Ke finished his battle with the idiotic Lian Lian Kan and stood up.

     “Where to?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     It was only then that he saw what Zhao Ke looked like. Not bad. Not as handsome as the way in which Gu Fei kept going on about, but enough to qualify as a good looking guy one could pick out from a crowd with two or three glances.

     Still not comparable to Gu Fei.

     “Around campus,” Zhao Ke said. “Check out places like the cafeteria, the general store, the café, and the library; see what they all look like.”

     Frankly, Jiang Cheng didn’t much feel like going out for a walk. Based on his current mood, he was not interested in any of these things. Besides, he didn’t know Zhao Ke that well, and had nothing at all to say to him. Two silent strangers walking around campus together seemed nothing but awkward to him.

     “Let’s go.” Zhao Ke put his laptop in the drawer and walked briskly out of their room.

     “Hey!” Jiang Cheng called out to him once, but didn’t get any response.

     Finally, he had to stand up, put his things away, and walk out as well.

     “Let’s go to the cafeteria first,” Zhao Ke said as he looked at his phone. “We can go there for lunch.”

     “Mhm.” Jiang Cheng didn’t have much of an appetite. His mood at the moment didn’t allow him to make any positive associations at the mention of the cafeteria. Still, it was to be a very important place, and there was no harm in checking it out.

     “There’s many cafeterias,” Zhao Ke said. “Let me look up the best way to get to all of them.”

     “You…” Jiang Cheng glanced at his phone. The guy had saved a huge map of the school, on which was labelled all the different buildings. “Have this prepared?”

     “Yeah, and all sorts of descriptions and guides. It’s convenient for exploring new lands,” Zhao Ke said.

     Jiang Cheng chuckled. A guy who played Lian Lian Kan, what did he know of exploring new lands.

     “Let’s add each other.” Zhao Ke waved his phone. “So we can contact each other easily.”

     “Oh.” Jiang Cheng pulled out his phone.

     There are times when people will encounter completely unexpected situations.

     Jiang Cheng’s lockscreen and homescreen were full of Gu Fei. These were freshly changed as of the night before. At the time, he didn’t think much about it at all, just barreled ahead and changed all of it. It wasn’t until now, in front of Zhao Ke, when Gu Fei’s face showed up again and again on his phone, that he realized he had never thought about how he would manage this awkward scenario should it ever happen.

     He glanced at Zhao Ke, who was also looking at him.

Footnote

[1] Big face is similar to thick-skinned. Here it means he’s basically making shit up and talking out of his ass. Jiang Cheng innocent and pure? Ha. Ha. Ha. ⇡

[2] A very simple puzzle game about linking identical shapes/items together ⇡