SAYE

“It is a little hard for me to accept”

Author: Wu Zhe, Translated by Ami <3

     After leaving behind the two people he needed to silence, Wang Xu and Zhou Jing, Jiang Cheng never thought in such a far away place, that he would run into yet another person who needed to be put down. Not to mention, this was only their second encounter.

     Since Zhao Ke was holding out his phone for Jiang Cheng to scan, the two of them were standing rather close to each other. From this distance, even nearsighted as Gu Fei would be able to see it. The giant lockscreen and homescreen pictures were so in Zhao Ke’s face that he was forced to get a crystal clear look even if he hadn’t planned to look.

     At that moment, Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure whether he should say something or continue to open his WeChat like nothing had happened.

     But perhaps because of the recent reminder of Gu Fei’s photos, his longing for Gu Fei was stirring up quite the storm within him.

     “This is my…” he began.

     This is my boyfriend. A very handsome, cute, and composed young man.

     However, he hesitated a second before he uttered the word out loud. 

     This was an unfamiliar environment. He was face to face with his roommate who was practically a stranger to him. He didn’t know what kind of personality this person had, or if he could accept something like this… Moreover, recklessly blurting it out like would make himself look like a brainless gay who only ever thought about showing off his romance to the entire world.

     “Schoolmate?” Zhao Ke offered an answer for him during his hesitation.

     Schoolmate is true.

     But to go behind Gu Fei’s back and refer to him only as a schoolmate was unacceptable to Jiang Cheng.

     “Friend?” Zhao Ke asked again. “Hero? Idol?”

     In the brief time that Jiang Cheng’s brain had stopped working, Zhao Ke quickly gave out several answers for him to choose from. In that instant, Jiang Cheng was sincerely grateful for Zhao Ke’s high emotional intelligence.

     If he hadn’t started it, Zhao Ke would certainly not ask.

     “This is my boyfriend,” Jiang Cheng said.

     As he said this word, Jiang Cheng felt an ease spread throughout his body.

     To hell with consequences. If he said it now, he wouldn’t have to keep sneaking around in the future. After all, they’d have to spend a few years      together in the same room.

     “Oh,” Zhao Ke answered. “He’s the guy who came here with you yesterday, right?”

     “Mhm.” Jiang Cheng nodded. Zhao Ke sounded calm enough, but his facial expression betrayed his surprise. Jiang Cheng cleared his throat, “Sorry, if you mind…”

     “It is a little hard for me to accept,” Zhao Ke said.

     Jiang Cheng’s heart skipped a beat, and he got ready to turn around and head back to the dorm.

     “But I don’t mind,” Zhao Ke said. “It’s none of my business anyhow.”

     “Oh.” Jiang Cheng looked at him.

     “You can scan mine.” Zhao Ke cut the subject decisively, swiped a few times on his own phone, and held it out to Jiang Cheng. “Do you want a campus resource sheet? I can send it to you.”

     “Sure.” Jiang Cheng scanned the QR code and added Zhao Ke as a contact.

     Zhao Ke’s WeChat display name is simply “Zhao Ke”, which saved Jiang Cheng the trouble of footnoting his name.

     Jiang Cheng wanted to tell Gu Fei that he just came out to his roommate under completely unforeseen circumstances, but didn’t get a chance.

     Zhao Ke was like a tour guide—for every building they came across, he would introduce it to Jiang Cheng. This included everything from the featured dishes on the cafeteria menu to each building’s history—he even had a few things to say about the development history of their dormitory. 

     Jiang Cheng was impressed. Despite wanting to come here since middle school, he himself was never so detail-oriented as to research the architectural make-up of the campus.

     “It’s almost like you’ve been at this school for years,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “I’ve just been looking into things whenever I’m bored and got some time, and if I’ve read it, then I’ll remember,” Zhao Ke said. “The library is up ahead, wanna check it out?”

     “Sure.” Jiang Cheng nodded.

     “This library is new. Apparently it was hard to even find a seat in the old one, you had to line up…” Zhao Ke paused midway through his sentence as he looked forward.

     Jiang Cheng also glanced forward, he could see ahead of them some students walking through the door into the library. There were a few people in that group; he wondered which one Zhao Ke was looking at.

     One of the long-haired girls facing them lifted a hand to brush her hair and at the same time glanced this way. Zhao Ke acted so fast it was as if he suddenly received a Flash Magic spell. Before Jiang Cheng knew what was happening, Zhao Ke was already standing behind a tree two meters away. [1] 

     “Huh??” Jiang Cheng was floored by Zhao Ke’s speed as he stood frozen in place.

     The long-haired girl in front of the library was still looking their way. From this distance it was hard to tell if she could spot Zhao Ke standing behind the tree, though it was easy enough to see Jiang Cheng standing there stiffly like a moron.

     With one hand above her eyes to block the sun, the girl laughed and waved in their direction after a couple of glances.

     Jiang Cheng turned to look at Zhao Ke.

     Zhao Ke was standing with his side to the tree trunk as he exchanged a completely blank look with Jiang Cheng, as if he was a stranger, and a physically stunned one at that.

     Jiang Cheng pretty much understood what was going on. As a returned favour to Zhao Ke showing respect to his sexual orientation, he toughened up and waved back at the girl.

     She practically doubled up with laughter.

     Jiang Cheng powered through the awkwardness and continued standing there until the girl walked into the library, still laughing. Then he finally turned to Zhao Ke. “She went inside.”

     Zhao Ke finally walked out from behind the tree, and turned to walk back the way they came. Meanwhile, he pulled out his phone and said, “So that’s what the library looks like. We’ll probably be there every day from now on, so there’s no need to go in today. Let’s go check out coffee shops now, there’s quite a few of them…”

     Jiang Cheng had no choice but to follow after him in resignation.

     “That was my older sister’s high school friend,” Zhao Ke said.

     “… Oh,” Jiang Cheng answered.

     “She’s in the law program too—first year of grad school,” Zhao Ke said. Then added after a second, “My dream girl.”

     “Ah.” Jiang Cheng glanced at him.

     “Do you think she saw me just now?” Zhao Ke turned to him and asked.

     “Well she doesn’t know me. Do you think she would wave at me and laugh like that if she didn’t see you?” Jiang Cheng was a little at loss for words.

     “She was laughing?” Zhao Ke continued his questioning.

     “Mhm, very cheerfully too,” Jiang Cheng answered.

     “Really very cheerful?” Zhao Ke asked again.

     “You should know,” Jiang Cheng looked at him, “that people are usually pretty cheerful when they’re laughing at a moron.”

     “Sounds good.” Zhao Ke nodded. “Coffee’s on me.”

     The train station was just like it had always been. Gu Fei followed the current of the crowd outside as he sent Jiang Cheng a message.

     – just got off the train.

     Jiang Cheng’s response came swiftly. It was almost instantaneous.

     – are Li Yan and the others there?

     – they’re waiting for me outside, have you eaten yet?

     – almost done, ate at two different cafeterias with a classmate

     – classmate Zhao Ke?

     – that’s right, the handsome classmate Zhao Ke

     Gu Fei laughed and sent him a voice message, “What to do if my boyfriend bullies me?”

     “Your boyfriend has something to tell you later” was Jiang Cheng’s low and mumbled response to him.

     “What is it? Is it something that can’t be said in front of the handsome classmate Zhao Ke?” Gu Fei spotted Li Yan standing outside the station exit, with Gu Miao crouched next to him looking grumpy.

     – mhm, i just came out to him, i’ll tell you about it later, you should go eat first

     – ！！！！！！！？？？？？？？

     Gu Fei was more than a little shocked. It had been less than a day since Jiang Cheng officially moved into his dorm, and already he’d come out to his roommate? What is this new age new speed?

     He was immediately a little worried. His boyfriend was impulsive, and a little reckless at times. If his roommate was someone he didn’t get along with, then judging by that fiery temper of his…

     – everything’s fine, it was unexpected but he doesn’t really have a problem with it. I’m going with him to the general store now to buy some stuff, don’t worry

     – okkk

     – kiss me

     Gu Fei lifted his phone, turned a little toward the wall, and smacked his lips hard against the mic on his phone, then sent it as a voice message to Jiang Cheng.

     “Don’t think that I don’t know what you’re doing just because you’re facing the wall!” Li Yan had been pointing at him from more than a dozen steps away. “I’ve been watching you!”

     Gu Fei ignored him as he bent down and opened his arms.

     Gu Miao jumped up from beside Li Yan’s legs and dashed toward Gu Fei while dragging her skateboard behind her. As she leapt into his arms, the skateboard knocked into his leg hard.

     “Hey,” Gu Fei sucked in a breath and held her, “how many times have I told you, put down whatever’s in your hand first.”

     Gu Miao turned and started dragging him away, skateboard still in one hand.

     “Where’s Liu Fan?” Gu Fei asked Li Yan.

     “In the car. There’s nowhere to park,” Li Yan said. “So he stopped at the side of the road and stayed inside.”

     “I see,” Gu Fei answered.

     “So how was it?” Li Yan glanced at him.

     “How was what?” Gu Fei also shot him a look.

     “Jiang Cheng… ’s school,” Li Yan said.

     “It looks the way you expect renowned universities to look,” Gu Fei said. “Very prestigious.”

     Li Yan started laughing, “Alright then.”

     While walking across the square outside the station, Gu Miao suddenly stopped.

     “What is it?” Gu Fei stopped too.

     Gu Miao looked back at the station, then turned in a circle as she looked around at everything else.

     “You’ve come here before.” Gu Fei crouched down. “This is the train station.”

     Gu Miao set her skateboard on the ground, stepped onto it, and with a couple of kicks slowly glided forward and away.

     Gu Fei followed behind her.

     “She won’t start yelling, right? She’s been here before by herself.” Li Yan looked after her worriedly.

     “Yeah,” Gu Fei also glanced back at the station, “this is where she first ran into Jiang Cheng.”

     “Right.” Li Yan stared at Gu Miao’s back and sighed, “Ay…”

     Liu Fan’s car was parked just a few metres in front of the bus stop. When Gu Miao got there, she stopped again and spaced out for another few seconds before opening the door and getting in.

     Right here.

     Gu Fei looked at the stone stump beside the bus stop sign. The first time they met, Jiang Cheng was sitting there with his back to him.

     At that time, he didn’t think he would share so many memories with this guy who had found his sister and who was waiting for him on a stone stump, so he didn’t pay much attention to Jiang Cheng’s appearance.

     However, he could still remember vividly the lost and somewhat annoyed expression on Jiang Cheng’s face when he turned around.

     That young man was now in a university campus several hours away by train—back to the bustling metropolis where he belonged.

     Gu Fei felt the reluctance of parting intensely, but what emptied out his mind even more was the fear of reaching out and holding onto Jiang Cheng, no matter how reluctant he was to part.

     He got into Liu Fan’s crappy little car and sat with Gu Miao in the back seat. Gu Miao leaned against him as she spaced out at the view outside the window.

     It was her usual state—to stare out the window when she was in a car.

     It wasn’t because of curiosity, but to make sure that she was still within the border of her own world.

     Gu Fei sometimes felt that the little lass had a superpower. It was as if she possessed a radar that could accurately deduce her distance from the centre of her world.

     Perhaps it was due to fear.

     Just like how he could sense his father’s presence when he was younger. Without hearing or seeing, he would descend into a state of intense fear when his father was still downstairs.

     That was also a kind of superpower.

     Attendance was good at their get together today, and everyone all arrived ahead of time in the private room.

     When Gu Fei got there, they had already finished ordering the food.

     “Da-Fei, when is your registration?” Luo Yu poured him a drink.

     “Tomorrow,” Gu Fei said. “I think.”

     Luo Yu glanced at him. “Would you be a little more attentive to your own affairs? You did manage to get into a school.”

     “Yeah,” Gu Fei replied.

     “Ha, so compliant today?” Chen Jie said with a laugh.

     “Haven’t quite come around yet I bet,” Liu Fan said. “Just came back from a sending away, he’ll probably be dazed for the next couple days.”

     “Oh fuck off,” Gu Fei said.

     “Alright let’s eat!” Li Yan picked up his cup and knocked a few times against the table. “A toast, to this group finally producing one—no, two—university students. Bottoms up!”

     Gu Fei knocked his cup against the others and downed his liquor.

     He might not be the most talkative when he hung out with these guys in the past, but his thoughts would never wander like this. These were his friends of many years. He was always very relaxed whenever he was with them.

     Today was a little different though.

     These guys were the same guys, and the atmosphere was the same atmosphere, but he couldn’t bring himself to fully relax.

     The reason was Jiang Cheng.

     He was not used to not having Jiang Cheng by his side, sitting where he could readily see with a turn of his head.

     Gu Fei didn’t regret starting this relationship, even if he knew long ago that he would have to face this situation, that he would fall into a pit of agonized longing. Still, he had no regrets.

     Though it didn’t make it any less difficult to bear.

     Especially when he came to the realization that there was something else mixed into the longing. The feeling of being tortured on both ends became even more unbearable.

     Jiang Cheng would report to him from time to time his journey around the campus: ate a meal; went to the store; met all the roommates, none of whom were annoying; dragged to take a walk around the outside of campus by his roommates; didn’t get lost… 

     Gu Fei took Gu Miao home, and after watching her draw for a while, went out by himself to Jiang Cheng’s apartment.

     He had to stay home to eat dinner with Gu Miao, but he planned to spend the hours before that here by himself. Perhaps it was simply the difference between people, but to him, the only way to ease his longing when he missed Jiang Cheng was to see things that reminded himself of him. Only when he was immersed in the space that contained Jiang Cheng’s presence, looking at the traces of himself that Jiang Cheng left behind, could he be calm again.

     Everything in the apartment looked the same as before, as if trying to prove a point. Other than some clothes and his keys, Jiang Cheng hadn’t taken anything with him.

     Standing in the living room now, Gu Fei almost felt like he could go into the bedroom and find Jiang Cheng there.

     He took a shower, walked into the bedroom, and laid down on the bed.

     He had just closed his eyes when his phone chimed with a message from Jiang Cheng.

     – I’m back in my room, where are you?

     – lying on your bed

     Jiang Cheng’s call came immediately: “You went to the apartment?”

     “Yeah,” Gu Fei smiled.

     “Don’t you have to spend time with Er-Miao?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “I’m going home to have dinner with her,” Gu Fei said. “And I’ll come back here again after she falls asleep.”

     “Are you going to move in?” Jiang Cheng sniffled.

     “I don’t know, I’ll just come over and hang out whenever I miss you.” Gu Fei could hear something was off in Jiang Cheng’s voice. “Hey Cheng-ge, you’ve really become a pussy now huh. How many times have you cried in the last couple of days?”

     “Oh fuck off,” Jiang Cheng said. “You’re not a pussy, you’re a bussy.”

     Gu Fei laughed out loud at that. Jiang Cheng also laughed for a long time before he stopped long enough to continue, “I’m outside the dorm now. I want to talk to you about something.”

     “Is it about you coming out to Zhao Ke today?” Gu Fei asked.

     “Yeah, it’s just bad luck. He wanted to add me on WeChat, so I took my phone out,” Jiang Cheng said. “Turns out your big face is plastered all over my phone… Good thing it wasn’t your nudes, otherwise he would’ve had a scare.”

     “How did he react?” Gu Fei asked as he laughed.

     “Calm enough. He said he finds it hard to accept, but that it’s none of his business how I am, and he didn’t bring it up again,” Jiang Cheng said. “I think this guy’s okay.”

     “That’s good.” Gu Fei paused for a moment, then said, “Maybe you can change out the photos of me, at least on your lockscreen and homescreen…”

     “No.” Jiang Cheng replied decisively. “It’s my phone, so I do what I want. It’s not like I’m putting photos of my boyfriend on other people’s phones.”

     “Alright, your call.” Gu Fei didn’t press on. Jiang Cheng was like that.

     “You’re registering tomorrow, right?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “Right,” Gu Fei said. “It’ll probably be pretty quick, and then the military training after that. Liu Fan has a mate who used to go there, apparently the training is only three days… We had a whole week of training back at Fourth High.” [2]

     “Our training isn’t until second year.” Jiang Cheng smiled. “Don’t forget to take pictures.”

     “Pictures of what?” Gu Fei asked.

     “You, of course,” Jiang Cheng said. “Selfies. I’ll stock up and savour them slowly over time.”

     “I thought you were gonna use it to rub it out slowly over time,” Gu Fei said.

     “The rubbing is assumed, since I am a youth in my prime after all,” Jiang Cheng said. “But I probably won’t be in the mood in the near future. And besides, it’s an unfamiliar environment…”

     “Alright so, who’s shameless now?” Gu Fei laughed.

     “Me,” Jiang Cheng admitted snappily this time.

     “See, couldn’t you have admitted it sooner,” Gu Fei said. “Are you going to eat dinner in the cafeteria too? How’s the food?”

     “Not bad, we’ll continue to eat cafeteria food for dinner,” Jiang Cheng said. “These guys in my room all like to eat. They’ve already figured out and memorized what the featured dishes are and what tastes the best in all of the cafeterias. They have a plan to go through them one by one in the next few days.”

     “After months of eating my cooking, you finally get to let go and frolic,” Gu Fei said. “Watch that you don’t get fat.”

     “If it was up to me, I’d rather eat your cooking all day every day,” Jiang Cheng sighed. “If the food is here, that means you are too.”

     His words made Gu Fei’s heart clench. He was just about to divert the subject when someone called for Jiang Cheng on the other end: “Jiang Cheng, let’s head to the library!”

     “Again?” Jiang Cheng said. “Didn’t we just go earlier today?”

     The guy said something else that Gu Fei couldn’t make out, but Jiang Cheng sounded reluctant. “You guys go, I’m on the phone…”

     “You should go, Cheng-ge,” Gu Fei said.

     “I don’t really wanna go,” Jiang Cheng said quietly. “They said they’re going straight to dinner after studying.”

     “You should go,” Gu Fei said. “You’ve only just met; would be good to do things as a group. You can head off on your own later when you’ve become more acquainted, that way they won’t think you’re a loner.”

     “… Alright,” Jiang Cheng answered.

     Gu Fei did not want to hang up, but he did it anyway.

     He laid on the bed for a long time before he managed to pull free from the overwhelming emotions. 

     Then he got up and walked to the window, where he lit a cigarette and held it between his lips.

     The one calling for Jiang Cheng just now was probably Zhao Ke. The two of them had gone to the library today at noon. Jiang Cheng had reported it to him.

     They were a dorm room full of overachievers. It was only the second day after arrival, and they had set the library as the location of their first group outing. Gu Fei smiled.

     This was the ‘something else’ aside from the yearning that he couldn’t quite sort through.

     From now on, everyone who appeared at Jiang Cheng’s side would be an overachiever like him. Everyone would be very exceptional. Those people would all be of his kind. Only those people, who belonged to a different world from the people of the Steel Works, were of his kind.

     The feeling had emerged when he first saw Zhao Ke. The guy didn’t even need to say anything. Just standing there and saying hello was enough to showcase very clearly the contrast between him and the local products of the Steel Works.

     Gu Fei had felt the same thing when he’d first laid eyes on Jiang Cheng.

     Even if he hadn’t immediately connected Jiang Cheng to the term “overachiever”, even if Jiang Cheng wasn’t a real overachiever in the traditional sense, he was still able to tell with a single glance that Jiang Cheng came from an entirely different world.

     He might be the one and only Gu Fei, that Jiang Cheng was able to pick him out from an environment like that, but how much appeal would this “one and only” quality hold in the world where Jiang Cheng belonged? And for how much longer…

     Have you considered… getting a boyfriend?

     The uneasiness and sense of being unmoored that he had felt when Jiang Cheng first asked this of him once again returned.

Footnote

[1] It’s an Honor of Kings (game) thing. ⇡

[2] In China, there is mandatory military training for new students entering the first year of university and first year of high school. It takes place before the semester officially starts, and typically lasts for a few days. Depending on the school, some places also have it in the beginning of middle school, and in rare cases elementary school as well. The training mostly consists of marching exercises and physical conditioning, the intensity of which varies by age and school. ⇡