Unspeakable

The studio’s new game,《Laughter in the Vast Seas》, had attracted many investors. To secure the highest-quality capital, Gu Yansheng no longer had time to stay home to spend time with their child. He had to start running around attending social events. 

Shen Kanyu knew about Gu Yansheng’s alcohol intolerance, how he’d even get uncomfortable eating a bit of liquor chocolate and be knocked out after drinking a little over his limit. But the drinking couldn’t fall onto Su Tong who was in poor health. If that happened, who knew how much A-Sheng’s heart would hurt. 

Unfortunately, his identity made him unfit to be seen by people. If A-Sheng could take him to parties, he’d be able to down ten tables worth of drinks no sweat and help him block all the alcohol coming his way.  

Shen Kanyu didn’t have that option. The only thing he could do was buy the best hangover drops and antiallergic drugs he could for Gu Yansheng so that even if he had to drink, he wouldn’t pass out instantly. 

Reality proved that these things were a little unreliable. One night while he was live-streaming with a stomach ache, he suddenly received a call from inebriated Su Tong. “Is this Kanyu?”

His once close friend. A person he had hurt countless times before for petty no good reasons. The one A-Sheng liked most.

To suddenly receive a phone call from him, Shen Kanyu tried to speak but was at a loss on how to respond. It felt like something was stuck in his throat. After a long time, he finally squeezed out in a hoarse voice. “En…A-Tong.”

Su Tong chuckled softly. “Can you come to Xinyue Restaurant to pick up A-Sheng? He’s drunk, and I can’t send him home cause I’m also drunk.”

“Eh? Okay, I’ll head over right away.”

After closing his computer, Shen Kanyu downed several tablets with a bottle of cool water. Then he went to the bedroom next door to see his sleeping daughter and wiped the drool on her chin between laughter and tears.

The little girl’s sleeping positions became wilder and wilder each passing day. Worried that she might fall off the bed, Shen Kanyu rolled up another blanket and wrapped it around her. After thinking some more, he still felt uneasy so he carried his pillow and blanket over, intending to spread them around the bed on the floor.

His back had never fully recovered since the last time he injured it, and now his stomach was also troubling him. Since it would take a lot of effort for him to even complete this simple action, he could only hold onto the bed and slowly get on his knees before crawling to spread the things out neatly.

At this moment, Gu Yutian, who was laying on the bed, shouted, “Papa go away!”

Shen Kanyu was startled. Then he realized the little girl was only muttering in her sleep; she was probably having a nightmare.

He wondered how he bullied her in her dreams this time. It looked like he did a very good job with his brainwashing. The more his daughter loved her Daddy, the more dispensable her Papa became. 

Let’s take this chance to brainwash her some more.

Leaning by the bed, he gently stroked the child’s chest and comforted her with fondness. “Tiantian it’s okay. Papa isn’t here, this is Daddy, Daddy’s here so Tiantian can sleep.”

Tears hung on the corner of the child’s eyes. She sobbed as her little lips pursed up. “Hate Papa…Papa go away…”

Shen Kanyu smiled helplessly as he wiped off her tears with his thumb. His voice was weightless, airy and gentle, as if it came from within a dream. “Papa will leave. In the future, Tiantian will only be with Daddy. So don’t be afraid.”

“Wu…”

“Daddy promises you that after Papa leaves, he won’t come back. So don’t cry anymore, alright?”

“Yes…” Gu Yutian finally quietened down. Burying her little face into the pillow, she was once again sound asleep.

After tucking the child in bed, Shen Kanyu managed to push himself off the bed to stand up, his twisted stomach made it so that he couldn’t even stand straight, yet through all that pain, he was happily thinking about how gullible his little girl was; she couldn’t even tell his voice apart from Gu Yansheng’s. How could his irritating voice possibly sound like A-Sheng’s divine timbre of a voice?

However, this contentment was short-lived; he realized that it was a bit too much to deceive his child. Pierced with guilt, he spent the entire taxi ride to Xinyue silently apologetic to his child.

Baby ah, baby. Later on, Papa will leave you but I might not disappear that quickly. Before I do completely disappear, I might come back to secretly watch you two, but I’ll definitely make sure to be quiet and cautious. I won’t disturb you.

If you feel like someone is secretly watching you, can you not turn your head? Just pretend that Papa never came back, alright?

Papa apologizes to you in advance. I hope that if one day, you find out Papa lied to you, don’t hate Papa too much.

After all, Papa really loves you.

***

When Shen Kanyu arrived at the restaurant, Gu Yansheng lay on the table motionless. Several studio employees were surrounding him, but Su Tong was nowhere to be seen.

These people must be the new recruits of Gu Yansheng’s gaming and entertainment studio; Shen Kanyu has never seen them before. They also acted like they didn’t recognize him.

After greeting them, he bent over and gently stroked the back of Gu Yansheng’s head. “A-Sheng?”

Gu Yansheng’s cheeks were slightly flushed, his eyes were tightly closed, and his long, unmoving eyelashes cast a soft shadow on his face.

Shen Kanyu gently poked his face. “You big fool. Why did you drink this much when you can’t even hold any liquor?”

Did something happen to you that’s making you so sad?

Did Su Tong say something? Why would Su Tong leave a drunk A-Sheng here alone?

Shen Kanyu inexplicably felt uneasy, but now wasn’t the time to probe into the matter. A-Sheng was blackout drunk, and it was really easy to catch a cold like this. He had to get him home first. 

***

When the taxi stopped at the neighborhood gate, Shen Kanyu got Gu Yansheng on his back with the aid of the driver. 

Seeing Shen Kanyu’s strained yet careful actions, the driver couldn’t refrain from saying, “How about you support him as he walks? Thing is, you can force drunk people to walk as you support them.”

The driver wasn’t the type to meddle in other people’s affairs. But the reason he spoke up was primarily because he saw this passenger was already enduring a stomach ache the entire ride. There were several times his breathing stilled from the pain, yet not a yelp of pain was heard. This passenger had even told him to stop the car midway so that he could throw up by the flowerbeds, but the driver didn’t see any movement from him. After a while, he got off the taxi to check on him, but he found that he hadn’t thrown up anything. He was just digging his arm into his stomach as his body curled up like a shrimp, eyes hazy from the pain he was in.

The driver asked whether he wanted to go to the hospital to which he responded by shaking his head, saying that he needed to get his drunk friend home, and then even showed him a radiant smile. No one would believe there was anything wrong with him if it wasn’t for his deathly pale complexion and sweat-soaked face. 

Now this passenger had on a smile as clear as the vast skies. The driver was almost blinded by his set of large white teeth.

“Nope, he’s my baby.” Shen Kanyu was more shameless since Gu Yansheng was unconscious. “Look at this delicate skin and body. It’d be bad if he fell by any chance.”

The driver sighed. “Are you really okay?”

“Of course. I’m not gonna lie to you okay. The truth is I’m actually pretending in front of him. I upset him recently so now I’m putting on a pitiful act to make him soften towards me. I didn’t think he’d get so drunk that his eyelids won’t even twitch…” As Shen Kanyu rambled, he suddenly became aware of the driver’s awkward expression.

It seemed like it was a long time since he had spoken to someone; he was always talking to himself all day long, and now that he got his hands on someone who was willing to respond to him, he couldn’t stop talking. It was as if his mouth became a wound-up spring. He didn’t even consider how the person felt — who would willingly listen to shitty family gossip of some stranger? 

“I’m sorry, I’ve said too much.” Shen Kanyu showed an embarrassed smile. His voice sounded much hoarser than earlier because his throat was dry and sore from talking so much, but he still didn’t dare cough. If he coughed, his stomach would hurt like it’d burst open, leaving him only able to speak in this hoarse voice. “Thank you for your concern. I won’t delay you from doing business. I’m going to take him home.”

Slightly turning his head, he joked to Gu Yansheng who was on his shoulders like he was a child. “A-Sheng, we’re home.”

Perhaps because he was too thin, Gu Yansheng felt uncomfortable pressing against his bony back and wriggled.

“Hey hey hey, what are you doing? Behave. Even Tiantian’s more obedient than you.” Fearing that Gu Yansheng would fall, Shen Kanyu hurried and bounced him up. His stomach tensed due to the movement but the pain was still tolerable. Gasping as he endured it, he freed a hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead, fearing that it’d get into his eyes and he wouldn’t be able to see the path.

Walking very slowly, he made use of every second to talk to a completely unconscious Gu Yansheng.

Saying things he wouldn’t dare say to A-Sheng when he was awake.

“You say, A-Sheng, how great is the power of love? I was in so much pain I could hardly sit still in the car just now, but once I carried you, all the pain disappeared instantly. So tell me, what kind of miraculous painkiller are you, huh?”

“Don’t drink so much from now on, okay? Or else your stomach will be damaged. Having stomach pain really hurts. Also, Su Tong is so skinny and poor in health. You can’t bear to let him carry you home, right? You can’t drink too much again. Be good.”

“I don’t know if A-Tong can take very good care of you in the future. You’re a picky eater and a light sleeper, both missing meals and sleep.” Shen Kanyu sighed with worry.

He always felt he wouldn’t be able to rest assured no matter whose care he left A-Sheng in. Although he hadn’t taken good care of A-Sheng himself.

But he doesn’t have the chance to compensate. He doesn’t have the chance to take care of him anymore.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to worry. I’ve already told Tiantian, in the future she can only love Daddy the most in this world, she’ll take care of you when she grows up. She’ll definitely be your little angel.”

“When the time comes and you guys are living together happily, will you…forget me? Can you…”

He couldn’t go on.

It hurts so much he lost all strength.

If he continued, he might not be able to carry A-Sheng steadily anymore.

He wanted to say, ‘can you not forget me too cleanly’ though he knew it would be awful having to recall the person he hated. He hoped that whenever he had time, he would come to visit his grave every three to five years. No need to say anything. And no need to burn paper money. It was enough to just put a few wildflowers or weeds there to let him know that they were living well.

If A-Sheng didn’t have the time, that’s okay. When he was alive, he had already wasted so much of A-Sheng’s time, letting so many of his years slip away. After dying, he shouldn’t keep pestering A-Sheng, right?

But don’t forget him too cleanly, okay?

He knew that for a person like him who was so hateful when alive, he’d be forgotten quickly by everyone soon after his death and might not even have a grave, but he still hoped for Gu Yansheng to remember him. Remember that there was once a person named Shen Kanyu in this world who loved him very, very much.

A-Sheng, I really like you. 

If you don’t like me in this lifetime, that’s okay.

If you don’t like me in the next lifetime, that’s also okay. Just don’t hate me too much. I really want to know what kind of feelings of happiness I’d feel to not be hated by you. Those people who aren’t hated by you, seeing such a good-looking smile from you every day, listening to such a gentle you talk to them every day, they must be so happy, right? 

Really, I just want to know how that feels.

So I think that I should wait for you in the next life earlier.