Unspeakable

After completing all the examinations, Shen Kanyu still wanted to see his family. He asked Aunt Lin for his father’s ward number but when he came to the door, he hesitated to go in. Finally, he just sat in a daze on the bench at the door, thinking that although there was a wall, he was still very close to them.

The central air conditioner in the hospital seems to be in full blast, as he was starting to shiver in cold while sitting on the bench, and since his clothes were too wide even if he were too curled himself the cold air would drill into the gap.

How could …… it be so cold?

He was so cold that his mind was confused. At first, there were many messy pictures shuttling back and forth in his mind. The clearest thing was the picture that him hugging his mother’s thigh when he was a child, and his mother helplessly picked him up.

His mom’s embrace was the warmest and softest place in the world, although each time he only gets a small hug. But he wanted to nestle in once more.

Did he start daydreaming again?

Suddenly there was a sound of a door being pushed, Shen Kanyu trembled. He looked up and saw Li Qing coming out from the inside. There was a look of surprise on her face, but soon she was calm again.

“… mom,” Shen Kanyu immediately grinned and called hoarsely.

“I’ve finished all my work. There are still some test results that will come out later. It should be all right. I can donate them to my father.”

He tilted his thin pale face and looked at Li Qing blearily, like a child who wanted to get praise from his mother after scoring high on an exam.

Li Qing said to Shen Kanyu with a moderate expression.

“Well, Aunt Lin has told me everything.”

“… Oh, Okay.”

Unexpectedly, he was not the first person to tell his mother the good news. Shen Kanyu sucked his nose a little lost but soon laughed again.

“By the way, mom, egg yolk pastry… Did the nurse bring it to you? Did you eat it while it was hot? Did it taste good?”

Li Qing nodded: “Well, it’s quite delicious.”

Shen Kanyu waited with bated breath for Li Qing’s affirmative answer, and immediately his eyes glowed with excitement.

“Really? Then I, I will also buy you tomorrow—no, I’ll buy it every day for you!”

Li Qing couldn’t help laughing at her childish words.

“No, I can’t eat it every day.”

Shen Kanyu nodded and fished out a bank card from his pocket, it has a print that was used many years ago—a pair of parents holding a child.

He handed it to Li Qing with both hands.

“Mom this is for you, inside is some money I saved, you can, you can use it to pay for Dad’s medical bills, and then buy something you like …… Okay?”

Li Qing was a bit stunned before she reaches out and take it. Shen Kanyu, on the other hand, was so nervous that he didn’t dare to move, afraid that she wouldn’t want it. But once she took it, he was so happy that his hands started trembling, pulling his hoarse voice and said attentively.

“The password is yours, dad’s and brother’s birthday combined, it’s easy to remember, just add it when you forget. The card is also beautiful, right? It resembles the three of you, very collectible, and you can keep it if you run out of money, don’t …… throw it away.”

The last sentence was a plea. The trembling and low voice made Li Qing’s heart flush with uncertainty as she held the bank card and gently smiled at Shen Kanyu.

“En, won’t throw it away.”

Her smile made Shen Kanyu’s eyes red and tears almost burst out. He sucked his nose hard, bent his head, and quickly rubbed his eyes to wipe off the salty liquid. At the same time, a heat flow seemed to come out of his heart. He didn’t know where the courage came from as he stretched out two skinny arms to her and choked.

“Mom, mom, hold…”

He wanted to say was if his mother could hold him, but he was interrupted by uncontrollable sobs. When he could speak again, he had no courage to say it again, leaving only the faint hope in his eyes full of water.

But Li Qing didn’t give him hope, after all, they have been estranged for too long, and now the hug seems too hasty and awkward.

What she didn’t know was how much this hug meant to him, she didn’t know that he had spent his whole life giving all he had to the people he loved, just wanting a warm embrace that no one had ever truly given him. But now he has no longer had the strength to walk towards anyone’s embrace. After all, no matter how long and hard he walks the road was too far and too cold that he could no longer walk.

She said, “Come on, how old are you still acting like a child. I need to go and buy the prescribed medicine for your father, you go home and rest first, maybe in a few days we will have to do the surgery.”

For a moment, his eyes were like the gray night sky without stars and moon, leaving only boundless emptiness and silence. However, his smile never disappeared that hung on his face all the time, shining like the warm sun in spring.

“OK, I know!”

He watched Li Qing disappear at the end of the corridor, then turned and walked towards the hospital gate in the opposite direction.

—

When Shen Kanyu returns home, Gu Yansheng has gone out. There were only Song Li and Gu Yutian at home.

He wanted to go over and say a few words to his daughter but was afraid Song Li would be upset, so he silently went around to the other side and went straight into his bedroom, and started packing his things.

In fact, there was nothing to pack up, he only put the usual medicine and other fragmentary items into the suitcase containing clothes. Basically, he had a few things and could immediately put them away soon.

In addition to these, there was the mangosteen shell that Gu Yansheng peeled out for him yesterday. He asked someone who throw the trash bag to keep the peeled mangosteen, though he doesn’t know how long it could be kept it should be able to pass this winter.

Putting his things away, he sat on the edge of the bed for a while, thinking of the things he still had to do and then going through them one by one in earnest.

He cleaned the house up and down, the tables, chairs, and coffee tables were polished as good as new.

He turned over the wardrobe and shoe cabinet and sewed Gu Yansheng and Gu Yutian’s loose clothes buttons and stitched shoes tightly. If there were stained clothes, soak them with a cleaning powder, and iron the wrinkled shirts with an electric iron.

He cleared out the ingredients that had been in the fridge for several days, and replaced them with fresh ones, he also replaced all the seasoning and sauce like oil, salt, soy sauce, and vinegar that he was about to use up.

He unpacked and washed all the winter quilts and bedding and hung them on the balcony to dry.

He thought he won’t be done until later but unknowingly he was able to finish all of these earlier than he had expected. He sat at the table and picked up a pen and paper, wanting to write a letter to Gu Yansheng and Gu Yutian.

Obviously, there were many, many words that he wanted to say but he couldn’t write everything with a single word using only a pen and paper.

In the end, he could only use clumsy and rough brush strokes to draw a simple cartoon version of Gu Yansheng and Gu Yutian on the paper. He draws them holding their hands together, and then uses a big heart to circle them tightly in the middle. After thinking about it, he drew a small, tiny star on the top right of them.

After painting the picture, he took out the tacky pink love bank card he had made for Gu Yansheng, wrapped it in the middle with drawing paper, wrote the password, folded it neatly, and put it in the drawer of his room together with the birthday gift he had bought for Gu Yansheng.

If he gives it to A’sheng in person, he was afraid that he would not want it, also he might get annoyed seeing him and would not want his things.

It should be better to give it to him like this, so he would take it.

—

For Gu Yutian’s birthday present, Shen Kanyu still wanted to try to give it in person because it was a peace lock made of Hetian jade, and he wanted to put it on his daughter with his own hands.

He knew that Tian Tian hated him very much now and even began to ignore him, so he made a soft egg custard first. As soon as Tian Tian smelled the taste of egg custard, she stopped watching the animation and ran over to her father with her short legs.

“Dad, Dad! Is it egg custard?”

“Yes, our baby has a good nose.”

Shen Kanyu brought out the egg custard and put it on the dining table, Tian Tian couldn’t help swallowing her saliva as she stretched out her little meaty hands to grab one to eat.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute, it’s hot,” Shen Kanyu gently held the child’s soft hand.

“It’ll be cold soon. When it’s cold, Tian Tian can eat as much as she wants, okay?”

“Okay!” The little girl was so greedy that she kept swallowing her saliva, and yet it still overflows. Shen Kanyu reluctantly wiped it off for her.

Tian Tian was lying on the table with only egg custard in her eyes and doesn’t say a word, unlike when she was with Gu Yansheng, she would pester Gu Yansheng around saying this and that so Shen Kanyu knows that Tian Tian doesn’t like him. For fear that he might accidentally say something wrong and make the child cry, he also doesn’t dare to speak. He just looks at her quietly, wipes her saliva from time to time, or hooks her messy hair behind her head without saying a word.

By the time he spoke again, his voice was much hoarse than it had been earlier.

“Baby, it’s okay, it’s ready to eat.”

“Okay!” Tian Tian immediately reached out to grab an egg custard and put it in her mouth, then excitedly fluttered her short legs.

“Delicious, so delicious! Really delicious!”

“Eat slowly. It’s all yours.”

Shen Kanyu reached out and touched the soft back of the child’s head, with a mild smile and some imperceptible sadness.

He took advantage of Tian Tian’s joy while eating, and hastily took out the peace lock and waved it in front of Tian Tian like a treasure.

“Look, baby, what is this?”

“What is it?” Tian Tian’s eyes widened in curiosity, “That looked so good!”

“It’s Dad ……” Shen Kanyu said halfway through the sentence, his throat suddenly strained a little, and did not dare to tell the truth, hastily changed his words.

“It’s Daddy’s birthday gift to you, Daddy is too busy to bring it to you, so Papa helps him deliver this to you. What you need to do is to put it on, okay?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Tian Tian stuffed her mouth full of egg custard as she vaguely responded.

“But it’s not Tian Tian’s birthday yet ah, why is daddy giving Tian Tian a birthday gift now?”

Shen Kanyu was stunned for a moment, his pale lips opened as his dumb voice hurriedly said.

“Because Daddy loves Tian Tian so much, I also told him to send it on your birthday, but he can’t wait.”

Tian Tian was particularly pleased with this answer and giggled so hard her eyes formed into a slit.

Shen Kanyu also smiled and leaned down to fasten the peace lock around his daughter’s neck.

“Dad, what’s the use of this?”

“This, ah, this can bless our Tian Tian to be more and more beautiful, happier and most happy, and can always eat the most delicious egg custard!”

“Wow! It’s awesome!!!”

Shen Kanyu smiled and wiped the egg custard off the corner of Tian Tian’s mouth and said with arched eyebrows.

“Does Tian Tian like it?”

“Love it!” Tian Tian grabbed the peace lock, baring a kiss.

“Daddy really loves me the most!”

Shen Kanyu nodded vigorously: “Yes, daddy loves you the most.”

You also have to promise Papa that you will always love Daddy the most, just like before.

Papa also loves you, really loves you, but I hope you never know, just pretend that Papa never existed, so that you will always be happy and joyful.

Shen Kanyu looked at his watch. It was almost time. He was afraid that he would be reluctant to look at the child more, so he touched Tian Tian’s face and asked her to eat slowly before he pulled up his suitcase and hurried to the door.

Tian Tian looked at his back as if she sensed something she put down the half-bitten egg yolk custard, jumped off the chair, and chased after him to the door.

“Papa where are you going?”

Shen Kanyu did not expect her to come after him, he stiffly turned his head back and stared blankly at the child’s clear, innocent eyes, his nose could not be restrained from souring up, and his eyes followed a burst of heat.

“Daddy has to go out for a long time every time he pulls the big box, do you have to go out for a long time too?”

Sweetie deflated her mouth and was aggrieved.

“When will you be back? Tian Tian still wants to eat a lot of egg custard.”

Shen Kanyu’s heart was twisted into a ball, but he tried to smile as he squatted down to hug the child, kissed her fleshy little face, and whispered in her ear.

“Tian Tian will have more delicious egg custard, believe in Daddy.”

His voice was so choked up that he was shaking, but he didn’t notice it himself, still smiling and whispering in his daughter’s ear.

“Baby, Papa’s leaving now, bye bye ah.”

He was afraid of being pushed away by the child, so he only held it for a short time and released his hand, but he was satisfied that his eyes were wet.

Baby, thank you.

Thank you for listening to me say goodbye.

Papa will always love you.

—

Shen Kanyu said his goodbye and didn’t look back.

Gu Yutian stood frozen in place looking at the closed door and stretched out her little fleshy hand to touch her wet face.

She wasn’t crying, but why did she have tears on her face.

She was too young to figure it out and silently walked back to the table to continue eating the egg custard, but accidentally spilled the remaining half bowl of egg custard.

She stared blankly at the custard that had fallen to the ground, deflated and began to bawl.

When grandma heard her cry, she hurriedly hugged her and coax her, saying she would buy her a better egg custard, but even after hearing what her grandma says her eyes keep on spilling tears, and didn’t know what was wrong with herself. The more she cried, the more she wanted to cry—she couldn’t stop, she just wanted to cry.

She cried so much that her face was worn out, her hair was disordered, her voice was hoarse, and her strength was gone. She hugged her grandmother’s neck and sobbed as she said she wanted her father.

Grandma, I want Papa.

Tian Tian wants Papa.

But she felt that her father would not come back.