Unspeakable

After Tang Xiu yelled at the venue and then disappeared, Gu Yansheng had no one to call or talk to since no one was answering his calls. There seemed to be a fire burning his chest that he couldn’t stand as he slowly feels he was standing in the sea of fire and didn’t know where to go.

He lingered like an ant on a hot pot for a long time and waited until Tang Xiu coldly give him their location on WeChat: [the provincial people’s hospital.]

This message made his chaotic brain clear up, sat in the car, stepped on the accelerator, and sped away in the direction of the hospital.

He didn’t know how many times he had exceeded the speed limit along the way, or whether he had run a red light, he just felt a powerful wave of sadness and powerlessness.

Because he suddenly realized that he knew too little about Shen Kanyu, and if he had made up his mind not to contact him, he would have had no way to find him at all.

He doesn’t have the contact information of any of Shen Kanyu’s friends and relatives, doesn’t know if he has another address, and doesn’t know where he likes to go—the place he most often sees him go was the supermarket. Sometimes when he was not busy, he asks him if he wants to go somewhere. His intention was to take him out to relax, but he always says he wants to go to the supermarket. Every time he goes to the supermarket, he was in high spirits as he buys a lot of things and put them neatly in the refrigerator or under the tea table. He doesn’t know how many of them were for himself, maybe none.

But who would hide in the supermarket when they don’t want to see a person?

So, if Shen Kanyu wants to hide, he wouldn’t have any means to find him at all.

It was like releasing a fish into the boundless sea, even the best fisherman, does not know when and how long it would take to catch that fish back again.

__

Gu Yansheng looked at the address Tang Xiu sent and rushed all the way to the inpatient department. Tang Xiu stood at the door of the ward with his hands around his chest. He was punched by Tang Xiu before he stopped and stood firm.

Gu Yansheng stumbled two steps to hold the wall and stood firm. He raised his head and asked Tang Xiu in a dumb voice.

“Shen Kanyu, he…”

Tang Xiu expressionlessly said, “Not dead yet.”

Gu Yansheng’s eyes were red as she lunged over and grabbed Tang Xiu’s collar.

“Then what are you cursing him for, is this kind of thing something that can be joked about?!”

“Let go of me, who gave you the guts to use your claws on me?”

Tang Xiu shook off Gu Yansheng’s hand and said through clenched teeth.

“If I hadn’t found him, do you think he would have survived?”

“……” Gu Yansheng’s hand hanging at his side clenched into a fist, his voice was dry and anxious.

“What happened to him?”

Tang Xiu had prepared a belly of scolding to Gu Yansheng, but for this question of his, he was speechless that he could not speak for several seconds.

Gu Yansheng reached for the door handle of the ward, “I’ll go check on him.”

Tang Xiu stopped him and blocked the door, coldly questioning.

“Gu Yansheng, I asked you to take him for a heart check before, did you take him there?”

“…… when?” Gu Yansheng frowned blankly, “I have no impression, you let me go in first.”

“Get in your mother!” Tang Xiu roared.

“Xiaoyu is scared to death of you now. You know what? He has angina pectoris attack, coughed a pillow of blood, and his whole body is shaking with pain, but he doesn’t even have the strength to shout for pain. He also grabbed my clothes and begged me not to tell you, don’t ask you to come over. Saying today is an important day for you so there was no need to disturb you, or you’ll get angry. Tell me, if you rush there now, wouldn’t you scare him to death?”

Gu Yansheng’s face paled as he took two steps back, but his eyes were still fixed on the door of the ward and said in a dumb voice.

“I know, I won’t scare him ……”

Tang Xiu ignored his nonsense and snorted.

“Yes, today is especially important to you, your masterpiece is a hit, and you are applauded and surrounded by thousands of people, but have you ever thought about why you are here today. If it wasn’t for Xiaoyu, how could you have gotten to where you are today?”

“Don’t tell me you’ll pay him back with your earned money. You can’t afford it, and he never thought about it, because he thinks you’re a husband and wife who share weal and woe, and it’s natural for him to give you his life. On such an important day, you only have Su Tong around. While he ran out of the hospital because he just wanted to see you, he didn’t want to ask you for anything. He didn’t have any decent clothes and an invitation sent by your studio. He should have been brought in by you and sat in the brightest place to eat the best dessert, how can you think that’s laborious… “

Tang Xiu said without gasping. When he came here, he suddenly felt his heart in pain and choked his throat. After a long time, he whispered.

“Gu Yansheng, you said that you will be so heartless so that makes will be so difficult for him to even look at you. “

“He gives you everything, what you want he gives you with both hands and a joyful heart, while he will carefully save what you don’t want. What did you give him? A bad, dilapidated body?”

Tang Xiu remembered that he did not like Shen Kanyu at first, after all, what he did was unethical, but Shen Kanyu’s thick skin and good temper, not to mention he always smiles and softly called him brother. Every year and festival would not forget to send him a gift, he could not help but be soft-hearted.

Sometimes when Shen Kanyu wants to give Gu Yansheng something but was afraid that Gu Yansheng doesn’t want it when he gives it personally, Shen Kanyu would ask him for help to give it to Gu Yansheng in his name. Shen Kanyu would then be very happy after sending it every time. When talking on the phone, he seems to be able to see his big wet and bright eyes bent into two crescent moons, and his mouth couldn’t close with excitement.

“Thank you, brother Ah Xiu! A’sheng likes it and is super happy, ha ha ha!”

Tang Xiu listened to his excited little voice and talked endlessly. But at this point, he feel unhappy and couldn’t help asking him once.

“Don’t you feel uncomfortable? You sent it, but A’sheng didn’t know.”

Shen Kanyu replied quickly.

“No, what’s there to be sad about? I know it’s from me, and I can see his happy face. It’s already enough!”

But Tang Xiu could hear that his voice was choking.

He was in pain.

Tang Xiu took a break from his memories and looked up to ask Gu Yansheng.

“You recently peeled a mangosteen for him, right?”

Gu Yansheng opened his mouth, but his throat was inexplicably dry and painful, unable to make a sound. His brain was a mess, he couldn’t remember this kind of minutiae and hesitated for a long time before nodding uncertainly.

“Sure enough,” snorted Tang Xiu.

“This kind of stuff is garbage in the eyes of others or non-recyclable food waste. Only if it was you who peeled it out for him, he would instead put it in a vacuum bag and clutch it like a treasure. You are really able to give him such garbage after so many years of marriage, soon it will be winter, you are not afraid that he will freeze to death on the street wearing those ragged sacks.”

“… when can I go in?”

Gu Yansheng said in a hoarse voice, already unable to hear anything Tang Xiu said.

“He’s afraid of me so, I’ll go in when he falls asleep? I’ll just look at him and I’ll go when he wakes up.”

Right when Tang Xiu heard Gu Yansheng’s first few words, his expression had eased but immediately when he heard the last sentence. He was so angry that he felt his head throb, he raised his hand and waved Gu Yansheng a slap.

“Go, your mother, go, you heartless dog man, wait outside the door for me. I’ll go in and coax him. You can go in after I coax him, do you hear me?”

Gu Yansheng was beaten sober, touched the beaten place, and looked at Tang Xiu sincerely and gratefully.

“Thank you… I see. Then I, I’ll buy you something to eat and come back right away.”

“Get out of here!”

__

Gu Yansheng waited outside the ward until dawn the next day, when Tang Xiu and Tang Zhen both came out of the ward, and Tang Zhen touched the back of his head.

“A’sheng, be a good boy, go in, Xiaoyu let you in.”

“What’s wrong? Can I stop you when they want to let you in?” Tang Xiu said angrily.

“Get in now. If you don’t know what to say just shut up and don’t say a word. Will you hold yourself high? Won’t you get out now and roll out right away… It hurts!!”

Tang Zhen twisted the flesh on his arm and said through gritted teeth.

“Cut the crap, Xiaoyu is waiting impatiently and you’re still stopping A’sheng outside!”

“You…”

Tang Zhen increased the force on his hand, and Tang Xiu was completely pained and out of temper.

While Tang Xiu’s eyes were red with pain and couldn’t breathe to say anything, Gu Yansheng hurriedly pushed the door into the ward.

__

Shen Kanyu was not lying on the hospital bed, he was sitting on the bedside and was placing those meals and drinks bought by Gu Yansheng on the small table board.

His soft hair looked particularly withered and yellow in the dim light, and his wide sick clothes made him look thin and weak like a malnourished child.

He didn’t hear him coming in and was still minding his own business at hand, both hands trembling as he held the heavy drink bottle and accidentally poured the drink into the blanket.

Seeing that he was almost unable to hold the bottle, Gu Yansheng could not care less that he might scare him, and hurriedly went forward to hold the bottle and put it aside.

Shen Kanyu raised his head in a daze and saw that it was Gu Yansheng, his turbid cloudy unfocused eyes instantly gathered a little bit of light, his gray lips opened and closed slightly, a few inaudible ‘A’sheng’ could be heard.

Gu Yansheng quickly replied, “En, I’m here.”

Maybe he didn’t expect him to respond because Shen Kanyu lowered his gaze and sucked his nose then rubbed his eyes as he said dully.

“You… You have something to eat. Brother Ah Xiu said you didn’t eat.”

He smiled shoddily, propped himself up on the edge of the bed, and moved away to the side, pulling away from Gu Yansheng’s embrace.

“I won’t disturb you by sitting here, you eat.”

Gu Yansheng froze for a moment, tried to move closer to his direction, and unsurprisingly he moved to the side again, he was silent for a while and went around to the other side of the bed.

Shen Kanyu still wants to put the distance between them, but he really has no strength. He doesn’t know why Gu Yansheng wanted to get close to him. Maybe he wants to hit him again, though he was not afraid of pain, but he doesn’t want A’sheng to lose his temper with an empty stomach. He hasn’t eaten for so long and must have drunk at the reception, such practice would damage his body.

His father will always beat him if he gets caught drinking since it would damage his liver.

“A’sheng sorry ……”

Fearing that he would fall off the edge of the bed, Gu Yansheng leaned down to help him but heard him apologize to him in a mute, trembling voice.

“I shouldn’t have gone to the reception. I didn’t know brother Ah Xiu would go too, I really don’t know why he came to me. When he came to me, I had… I found a place to hide, but he…”

Shen Kanyu said explained everything but didn’t know how to, he was also afraid that Gu Yansheng would blame Tang Xiu for saying something wrong. He was so anxious that he could only apologize as he started to sweat profusely.

“Hey, I’m sorry, A’sheng. I know this party is very important to you and Ah Tong but I made a mess for you… But I, I really, I really miss you so much. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

He apologized and suddenly choked like a child. Before it fell down, he raised his sleeve and wiped it desperately. He rushed to Gu Yansheng and tried to squeeze out a smile worse than crying.

“Don’t be angry first, will you? Eat first, I won’t run here, and when you’re full… It doesn’t matter if you beat me and scold me, but you have to be full to have strength, right?”

“I know… I know you’ll have no appetite since I touch the food, but I only drank some of that drink.”

Shen Kanyu explained with difficulty in a thick nasal voice for fear of Gu Yansheng’s misunderstanding.

“I… poured it on my hand and didn’t get it dirty. Don’t be afraid, wait for me for a while and I’ll go out right away.”

He knew he should get out of here, but he had no strength at all. In the past, when he had no strength, he would just eat a little something sweet or take a sip of sugar water and wait for a while, but he doesn’t know why this time after he drank and waited for a long time, he still felt unwell.

Gu Yansheng’s heart was so sour that he wanted to interrupt him several times, but he couldn’t do so because he remembered that Tang Xiu had just told him that Shen Kanyu had only said a few words in front of them. And that if Shen Kanyu talks to him and interrupt him, Shen Kanyu would think Gu Yansheng was annoyed with him and would instead say a few words. So, he was thinking, if Shen Kanyu said a lot of things to him, he must patiently listen to him finish, and then slowly respond to him one by one.

But the more he said, the more outrageous he became, and Gu Yansheng could not listen to a single word. He kept in mind Tang Xiu’s admonition that he was afraid he would say the wrong thing, so he sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to hold his thin, bony wrist.

Subconsciously, he still felt that he was going to hit him, so he tensed his body for a moment, tightly closed his eyes, and curled up in a ball. There were fine beads of sweat between his neck, moistening all his yellowish hair and sticking it on his pale and transparent skin.

Gu Yansheng sighed painfully, held his back neck with his other hand, and gently pulled him into his arms.

Shen Kanyu’s body trembled violently but did not struggle in the slightest as he only still shrunk into a tense mass in Gu Yansheng’s arms, not daring to move, afraid to touch his body.

Gu Yansheng stroked the soft, cold back of his head, swept him deeper into his arms, and gently kissed his hair—an action-driven by his subconscious, and he didn’t even realize he’d done it.

He held him, carefully recalling what he had just said, and then whispered slowly in his ear in response to him.

“Don’t be afraid. As I said, I won’t hit you again.”

“I’m …… glad you went to the reception because I’ve been trying to find you, and you don’t have to apologize for that.”

“You’ve been away from home for a long time, Tian Tian keeps saying she misses her father, sometimes she cries a lot looking for you but I don’t know how to coax her.”

“I also …… miss you.”

“When you get better, let me take you home …… okay?”