Unspeakable

Shen Kanyu was laying in Gu Yansheng’s arms in daze for a while now due to an incision that was too painful that he had no strength to move, also he couldn’t understand why A’sheng suddenly hugged him and talked nonsense.

With one hand on his upper abdomen, he raised his head while still in Gu Yansheng’s arms and reached for his forehead with difficulty.

Gu Yansheng saw that he didn’t respond to him, and nor did he know what Shen Kanyu wanted to do. Looking at his flushed cheeks and red eyes because of his high fever, he patiently asked.

“What do you want?”

Before his words were over, Shen Kanyu’s hand touched his face, then slowly moved it to his forehead and murmured.

“A’sheng, are you… Sick? Let brother A’xiu… look at you, okay?”

Gu Yansheng froze for a moment and then said.

“I’m not.”

“You’re talking nonsense. …… It’s only when you’re sick that you talk nonsense.”

“…… Who told you that?”

“When I have a fever, I talk nonsense and say all kinds of nonsense.”

Shen Kanyu grinned in embarrassment, the wound at the corner of his lip began to seep blood again, he habitually swallowed the fishy sweet liquid in his mouth and then continued to chatter.

“When I was a child, I once had a fever, my head was hot, so I ran to my brother and said, ‘Mom and Dad do not love you at all, they only love me’ but when father heard it he got really angry and kicked me off the chair, and scared my sickness away. Hahaha..”

Gu Yansheng did not know why he could laugh that, so he carefully confirmed.

“How old were you then? When you were ill, your father kicked you out of the chair?”

“Do not remember ah …… if a child is not obedient, he has to be beaten.”

Shen Kanyu said but suddenly remembered something, panic he grabbed Gu Yansheng’s sleeves to explain.

“No, no, what I said is not true. I was wrong. You can’t beat Tian Tian, A’Sheng, you can’t hit her, even if she doesn’t listen to you, just talk to her properly. She loves you the most, she will be especially sad if you hit her, and she will also be afraid of you …… maybe, will not dare to come near you.”

“I know.”

Gu Yansheng answered in a warm voice while silently wondering in the back of his mind if Shen Kanyu would be the same, having been beaten by his father when he was a child, he was afraid of him and didn’t dare to get close.

“She has been making a lot of trouble lately you …..does she cry a lot? Let me tell you ah, she just wants to eat egg yolk custard, don’t be mad at her, I, I …… “

Shen Kanyu strained to reach for his backpack placed on the side and pulled out a thin book, ready to hand Gu Yansheng, after thinking about it he just put it in his hand.

“I’ll give you this, it has recipes and methods on how to make the egg yolk custard that Tian Tian likes and other dishes that you like. You can make it for her to eat.”

Gu Yansheng frowned and said, “I can’t do it.”

“You’re so good, you can definitely do a good job!”

Shen Kanyu looked up and smiled at him, then found that his face was not good, and scratched his hair and lowered his head, mumbling.

“I’m sorry, sorry …… I know you’re especially tired every day after work …… Why don’t you find a babysitter? I still have some money here ……”

Gu Yansheng pressed his hand that wanted to go through the money in his bag again.

“You can just go home with me, why do you need a babysitter.”

Home?

Home was what Shen Kanyu wants most, but what does home look like, he has thought about this more than once.

When he was a child, every time he walked home, he thought that he would see his parents and brother every time he opened the door. He walked fast and wished he could grow wings and fly back.

But every time he opened the door, when his parents saw him, the smile on his face always disappeared in an instant. His brother would smile at him and gently call him Kanyu, but if he was kind to him, their parents would be unhappy.

He didn’t want to see his brother embarrassed or his parents unhappy, so he always came home late. Sometimes when he came home early, he stood outside the window. Standing tiptoe, he secretly watches the three of them at home. He would feel very happy and couldn’t help laughing with them. Because he was too young and ignorant, he thought that the best family in the world might be a family of three. There should be no more, and the extra would be a burden.

On the evening of Lunar New Year’s Eve, he was the most afraid to enter the house. The Spring Festival was the best festival for a family reunion in a year, he couldn’t touch anything in the house and cause bad luck for his family at this time. So, he still stood outside the window watching them eat New Year’s Eve dinner, watch the Spring Festival Gala, and then lit the cheap fireworks he bought in the yard. Every time he lit one, he would say to them “happy Spring Festival” in secret. It was not until dawn, that he would sneak into the house like a thief and hide in his bedroom to sleep for a while.

When he grew up, he married A’Sheng and gave birth to Gu Yutian. He thought that this would be the best family of three. Without unnecessary people, he should have a home.

But every time he came home with a big or small bag, pushing open the door and excitedly shouting “I’m home” to the father and daughter in the house, no one would respond to him, always. He always shamelessly found a place to sit next to them, talking to himself and showing all the things he bought then silently put them away, neatly, to the place where they should be.

Or when he was alone at home, when his father and daughter come back from the outside, he would look at them with a smile and say, “you are back”. Similarly, no one would respond to him, but he would not show a lost expression. Instead, he would happily go into the kitchen, bring out the prepared food and ask them to eat. Because he couldn’t have dinner with them, in order to see them more for a while, he would make an excuse of cleaning the kitchen or mop the floor and look at them while doing it.

He made great efforts to decorate his home very warmly. He learned to cook, make desserts, sew clothes and repair electrical appliances. He wanted to give them a home where he could belong.

He longed for A’Sheng and Tian Tian to think of him when they mentioned “family” and to recognize him as a member of the family. But no matter how hard he tries, he was still that dispensable, disgusting existence. Tian Tian never mentions daddy to outsiders, and A’Sheng was not willing to introduce him to his friends.

He said he was like air, probably not, air was something that was indispensable to anyone, he could not think of what he was like, but he finally figured out one thing, probably a place without him was a place that could be called home. As long as he was not there, they could all be very successful and happy.

Born to be redundant, the big world would have no place for him, wanting was really a fool’s dream.

How does a man like him deserve a home?

Only a kind-hearted and soft-hearted person like A’Sheng would say something like taking him home to trick him.

Shen Kanyu rubbed his eyes, but his hands were wet, and his nose was sore. He sucked his nose and tried to endure/

“Thank you, A’Sheng… But I, I already have a home and can’t go back with you.”

Gu Yansheng asked.

“Are your parents there? Don’t go back. Come home with me first.”

Although Shen Kanyu didn’t make it clear, Gu Yansheng doesn’t think a father who could kick a sick child to the ground could give a child much of a good home.

“No,” Shen Kanyu shook his head stubbornly.

“No, I have a home …… can’t go back with you ……”

His home was small, very humid and the furniture was not complete, but there was a window where he could nestle from the very warm sunlight as he sit there and unconsciously sleepover, giving him a good sleep.

At A’Sheng’s home, he often couldn’t sleep. He would wake up in a cold sweat because that was not the place he should stay. Although he especially wanted to stay, he knew that someone would come and drive him away, so he was terrified every day. Before going to bed, he would carefully check whether his things were put together, and then lay on the bed and began to count out the day when he would be driven out.

At his home he doesn’t have to worry so much, he could sleep extra deep and extra long. He always feels tired and cold lately, and just wants to sleep well next to that window, so he won’t be too tired or cold.

Gu Yansheng sighed and gently rubbed the back of his head.

“Then tell me, where you are going? I’ll bring Tian Tian over to join you, is that okay?”

“No, no,” Shen Kanyu shook his head desperately as tears kept slipping from his eyes soaking his eyelashes, but he did not realize this and muttered to himself.

“Will be driven out …… I’ll be kicked out, driven out……my things, I haven’t put my things away ……I’m walking too slowly, and you will be unhappy again ……”

Gu Yansheng remembered the lone suitcase in his empty bedroom and understood that he had really been preparing to leave at any time and wiped his tears with a sour heart and soothed him softly.

“No one will kick you out, and you should not run away, okay?”

“Yes…” Shen Kanyu choked hoarsely.

“I know… you’re only feeling soft-hearted, so you will feel that you don’t hate me so much, but in fact…you hate me. You will be unhappy every time you see me. I don’t want to, I don’t want to make you unhappy anymore…”

“I don’t hate you.”

Gu Yansheng interrupted him, took him back into his arms, took a deep breath, and repeated.

“I don’t hate you, neither TianTian nor I. Tian Tian doesn’t want egg yolk custard, but you. I bought her a lot of egg yolks custards, but she did not even look at them and just kept looking at the door waiting for you to come back.”

Feeling that the front of his shirt was soaked, the person in his arms didn’t make any sound Gu Yansheng was so distressed that he kept patting his skinny back and continued to coax him in soft words.

“I’m also waiting for you to come back… I know you didn’t bring the key when you went out, and you didn’t lock the door when you were at home. You opened it from the outside. If you don’t believe me, I’ll take you back. Can you try it?”

Shen Kanyu was most probably crying as he sobbed and choke then bit his lips to hold back the sobs, but he couldn’t restrain it and let out a small puppy-like whimper.

Gu Yansheng patted his back to smooth the air and seeing that he still refused to cry out his heart also softened between crying and laughing, and involuntarily coaxed him as if coaxing a child.

“Okay, okay, it’s okay, it’s okay to cry out, but can you drink some water and eat something before crying? The Yellow River water is dry for you to cry.”

From the time he came in until now he has not seen him drink a mouthful of water, the fever did not go down and his tears flowed like a river. He was really afraid that if he cried and cried, he would dehydrate.

Shen Kanyu felt that he may be burned out of hallucinations how else could A’sheng hug him, how could he say these words so tenderly to him, such a scene, he did not even dare to dream of it.

In his life, what he likes most was Gu Yansheng.

No one has taught him how to love a person, so he was so clumsy in this respect that he just keeps giving him all his things. Some of those things have been lost, some have been broken, some have disappeared, and few really remain in his hands.

But he still wanted to give him all the best things in the world, and he wanted him to be the happiest person in the world.

Although he always doesn’t want what he gives.

Finally, this time he asked for it. No matter what it was for, if he wants him to go back, he would go back.

It doesn’t matter if he wants to drive him away later. He would just always remember that it’s not his home or the place he should stay. He would pack up his things as before. When he wants him to leave, he could pull up his suitcase and go. He won’t delay time to make him unhappy.

He would be obedient and would not mess around like before. He would be quiet and do what he should do well.

Shen Kanyu lifted up his wet, wrinkled face looking like a pickle from all the crying, and said.

“Well, I… I’ll buy some vegetables later. A’Sheng, what do you want to eat…what? Is there anything missing at home… I’ll buy it back together.”

“You still want to get out of the hospital like this?”

Gu Yansheng saw that he was finally willing to go back, relieved, he helplessly drew a tissue over and wrapped it around his red nose.

“Blow.”

“Huh?”

“Blow out, I can’t even hear you.”

Shen Kenyu blinked his eyes from blank to flustered.

“… What, what do you mean? I didn’t, didn’t hear clearly. I’m sorry, A’Sheng, please say it again…”

He couldn’t understand what blowing a nose is?

Gu Yansheng frowned, but still explained in a serious way.

“You just blow the snot out with force, I’ll use this tissue paper to help you blow it all out. Your nose must be blocked making you uncomfortable.”

“Ah… No, no, I’ll suck it back.”

Shen Kanyu understood and immediately sucked his nose hard a few times, struggling against the increasingly thick nasal sound.

“Dirty things can’t be got out… They can infect…”

“You ……” Gu Yansheng choked.

“You yourself know that it is dirty and you can’t get it out, so you want it to stay inside your body?”

Shen Kanyu nodded gently.

“……”

Who taught him that again? His father who kicked him off the ground? Gu Yansheng was so angry that his head hurt. In order to avoid getting angry, he could only turn his face and press his temples.

“A’Sheng, I sucked it in. It wasn’t dirty. Don’t be angry…”

Shen Kanyu reached out and gently grasped Gu Yansheng’s sleeve, took a deep breath, and carefully pleaded.

“You talk, you talk to me…”

I want to talk to you.

It’s not someone else, it’s just you.

We can talk about family matters, about “The Sea of Cang”, about Tian Tian. If you don’t want to feel sad, it’s okay to talk about Ah’Tong.

Don’t be angry or unhappy.

Gu Yansheng felt the person in his arms suddenly sinking, he turned around and saw that Shen Kanyu had already fainted from exhaustion, and he was holding the bed and trying to fall back, not daring to lean into his arms.

He quickly scooped the man into his arms and held him in. He saw that the person in his arms was confused, and the gray and dry lips were still slightly wriggling talking. Gu Yansheng leaned over and listened carefully.

“Tian Tian wants to eat egg yolk custard… What do you want to eat?”

“I’ll buy it for you…”

“I go to the supermarket… Get off and buy…”

“You go home first… It’s cold outside…”