Your Regrets Are Late

“You… really…”

“You also said that you’ve never thought of me as your daughter. So, just like that, I also have no father.”

“When did I ever say that!”

There was a moment when Charelize fell into the pit. It was so deep that she had to use all her strength to climb up again. Duke Marsetta, at that time, said he had never considered her as his daughter or as part of his family. No matter how many times she stretched out her hand repeatedly when she heard his words like tinnitus, her arm facing upward dropped as if it was natural.

Charelize couldn’t imagine paying him back like this. But she was terribly unpleasant seeing him being brazen. She had no recollection of receiving affection from him. Still, he acted as if he had given her some great opportunity.

As if it wasn’t enough that she was kicked out from the successor position, Charelize was erased from the family register. Duke Marsetta was the person who denied the life she had lived.

“Then… To Your Grace, was I your daughter?”

“…”

Perhaps because she was so shocked, she had never forgotten how she felt back then. She couldn’t possibly forget. It was strongly embedded in her mind and even dominated her consciousness. Charelize remembered what tone he spoke in and how high and low his voice was. So, it made her suffer even more.

“Please leave now.”

As if in great shock, Duke Marsetta moved with an awkward gait. “If I want… to be your father… even now…  is it… too late?”

“…Didn’t I tell you? The child who tried to be loved by Duke is already dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry… That child, Duke killed her, didn’t you?”

Duke Marsetta left. Charelize looked at the place where he had stood for quite a long time.

“If only… you left me alone as Marsetta…”

Looking away, hot tears ran down her cheeks. She heard what she wanted to hear all her life, but she wasn’t happy at all.

“I would have… survived… without dying.”

On the contrary, she felt more regretful because of the past, where she had worked hard. It was all futile. All the strength in her body was draining away. Charelize wanted to empty her messy mind.

Charelize finished her duties, which she hadn’t been able to handle due to various sudden events. She could have waited a bit longer and revealed the ‘truth,’ but she didn’t regret it. Even if the bitterness of unknown reason coexisted on her lips that smiled, she was extremely relieved.

Before she knew it, it was close to midnight. Charelize, whose work was strangely out of hand, eventually came out of her office. After walking aimlessly down the hallway, she washed herself and came out with the intention of going to bed early. Lying down with her hair properly dried, she couldn’t fall asleep.

Charelize looked at the ceiling with its ornate chandelier. She pulled off the blanket, got up, and went to the storage room. There she picked out several bottles of strong alcohol. It was a night she couldn’t stand without being drunk, so she drank endlessly.

“Your Highness.”

“…Hailey? Haven’t you slept yet?”

Hailey came in with a slight knock, and there was a bowl of small fruits in her hand.

“If Your Highness only drinks alcohol, it won’t be good for your health. You will feel uncomfortable when you wake up in the morning.”

“I feel tired, but I can’t rest. I’m fine, so you can leave now.”

“I can’t sleep… because I’m alone in my room.”

Hailey shared a room with Lari, so Charelize knew the reason why she couldn’t sleep.

“I see. I was bored drinking alone, you too… No. If you drink alcohol, you will fall asleep immediately, so it would be better not to drink it. That day… I was so surprised you closed your eyes when only taking a sip.”

When she was still a princess, there was a moment when Hailey secretly caught her drinking wine, so they ended up drinking it together since she was already caught. Charelize teased her for months because she fell asleep as soon as she had one sip. Charelize had forgotten about it, but at the memory she recalled after a long time, a smile came out of her own.

“Your Highness…”

Hailey’s face turned red when she noticed that Charelize was teasing her.

“How embarrassing it was. Just thinking about that moment…”

Even Hailey couldn’t help it, so she let out a hollow laugh.

“Come to think of it, it’s been a long time. To see Your Highness smile.”

Charelize swallowed the word ‘long time’ after Lari died. Deep inside, her chest grew hot.

“Hailey.”

“…Yes, Your Highness.”

“I’m sorry… to send Lari away like that. Just as Lari is my younger sister, she must have been equally precious to you.”

“… That’s right.”

“I guess it’s because we’ve spent so much time together, so she wrote it down in a letter as if she knew I was going to blame myself and feel sorry. She said I shouldn’t do that.”

“Lari did that?”

“That’s why… You, Martin, and the nanny… I will protect you no matter what happens. I promise.”

Hailey, with her eyes reddened, hugged Charelize.

“Of course, it’s not that I don’t know at all… But there is one thing I really want to ask Your Highness for once.”

“…What is it?”

“Why is Your Highness… so strict with yourself?”

Charelize felt as if she had been hit hard on the head. She had a busy life but hadn’t thought about the reason.

“I don’t regret becoming a little duchess, but… I was actually agonizing between the Faculty of Political Science and the Faculty of Medicine until the last day. Ever since I was little, I strongly desired to be loved. I gave up on what I wanted to do because I thought the only way to gain that was to become a successor and gain recognition.”

“…”

“I cried a lot secretly in the foreign empire where I didn’t know anyone. Nothing can be solved by doing that, but since tears started coming out, I chose to be strict. I guess I’m used to it because it’s more comfortable that way now?”

“…”

“My mother was sick… so I wanted to be loved by… the duke… no, my father. But my father never thought of me as a daughter. In the life I’ve lived… he never acknowledged me as a little duchess until the end.”

“Your Highness…”

“But now, even if I want to give up, I can’t because people are supporting me. I wanted to protect them, but I couldn’t… still, I want to protect even the remaining people.”

After agonizing for a while, Charelize opened her mouth with difficulty.

“Maybe it could be said that my surroundings made me who I’m today. Have I solved your curiosity?”

“…Yes, Your Highness. Thank you for telling me.”

“Do you know why I… chose a bow over a sword?”

“Did it… because Madam suggested Your Highness to learn archery?”

“When I was young, I learned swordsmanship for a whole. It was really hard. I had to wake up earlier and go to bed later to do the same with class. But it was fun. On the other hand, I wanted to spar with my father. I wanted to hear a word of praise saying that my skills have improved. However… rather than to spar… I can’t even meet him face-to-face… In an instant, my wish was gone.”

“Therefore… Your Highness gave up.”

“I think about it thousands of times a day. I want to die, but I don’t have the courage. I’m suffocating. But… I… I can’t express it out loud or show my emotions.”

“…Why?”

“I just don’t want to be hated by my father, just like when I was little… It’s not because I don’t want to disappoint my mother. Some people look up to me. That’s why I endured, determined to take responsibility for the choice I make. I can’t just give up because it’s hard.”

“Have you ever imagined that Your Highness is not being a little duchess?”

“It’s not that I never think about it. Still… I like myself as a little duchess.”

“Why did Your Highness think like that?”

“Because I want the people of the territory to live well? And I want the children to grow up happily under parents who can afford everything for them. I wish they could receive love without any worries. Since I didn’t receive that, I became more obsessed with it.”

As she drank the alcohol, she could easily talk about what she would never have talked about. Strangely, she felt relieved and didn’t stop even when she realized she was drunk.

“I can’t change the world, but… I can make it better than now. It can also help me see the world from a better perspective. So even if I don’t want to be strict, I must do it. I want to rest, but I can’t do it.”

“Your Highness…”

“Actually… it’s really hard. So many people look up to me, so I want to give up this title and leave. But the reason I’m holding out so far…”

Charelize raised the glass and swallowed all the alcohol.

“…It’s nice to see people who finally get their smile back in a better world. I like that someone’s life has changed for the better because of me…”

“…”

“So… I’m not letting go of Marsetta’s hand. Because I am Marsetta, I could do those things.”

“But… Your Highness is having a hard time. Even though Your Highness’s situation is not getting better…”

“…I want to see them smile more, so sacrificing that much… is natural.”

Charelize breathed heavily. Perhaps because she was sleepy, her eyelids were heavy.

“And… I’ve lived like this my whole life… Now I don’t know. If not like this… how should I live…”

“Your Highness? Are you okay…?”

“…I don’t know.”

Eventually, Charelize’s eyes closed. She fell asleep comfortably for the first time in a long time and didn’t want to wake up. Her last memory was Hailey rising up from her seat and covering her with a blanket.

When Charelize opened her eyes, she was on the sofa. The time was already approaching noon. She jumped up in surprise, and her head was pounding from the hangover.

“…Hailey, are you outside?”

Charelize pressed down on her forehead and called Hailey.

“Yes, Your Highness. Did you call for me?”

“Why… am I here? I must have fallen asleep over there.”

Charelize pointed to the table where she had drunk alcohol last night.

“The bed is far, and I can’t wake up Your Highness in the middle. That’s why I pondered and decided to lay Your Highness on a nearby sofa… Are you feeling very uncomfortable?”

“You can just wake me up next time.”

“If I wake up Your Highness, I think you will return to the office.”

It wasn’t exactly wrong, so Charelize silently turned her head away, pretending not to hear that.